Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.”

— Groucho Marx

252. “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

— Groucho Marx

253. “This is a GALA day for you. Answer: Well, a GAL a day is enough for me!”

— Groucho Marx

254. “Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he’s unknown throughout the world.”

— Groucho Marx

255. “I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”

— Groucho Marx

256. “Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.”

— Groucho Marx

257. “I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.”

— Groucho Marx

258. “Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”

— Groucho Marx

259. “How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?”

— Groucho Marx

260. “You’re a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn’t even have the decency to have!”

— Groucho Marx

261. “I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.”

— Groucho Marx

262. “As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.”

— Groucho Marx

263. “Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.”

— Groucho Marx

264. “Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”

— Groucho Marx

265. “You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?”

— Groucho Marx

266. “Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.”

— Groucho Marx

267. “If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.”

— Groucho Marx

268. “Budget: a way of going broke methodically.”

— Groucho Marx

269. “My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.”

— Groucho Marx

270. “My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.”

— Groucho Marx

271. “I’m not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.”

— Groucho Marx

272. “Any place I hang my head is home.”

— Groucho Marx

273. “To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.”

— Groucho Marx

274. “I don’t have change I’d have to give you nine more books.”

— Groucho Marx

275. “In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat, and if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it’s because your partner is cheating, or your wife.”

— Groucho Marx

276. “I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.”

— Groucho Marx

277. “I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge.”

— Groucho Marx

278. “I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I’d make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.”

— Groucho Marx

279. “I can’t understand why you don’t get any mail from me. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been writing.”

— Groucho Marx

280. “Hey, when I said work fast, I didn’t mean your friend, I meant the maid.”

— Groucho Marx

281. “I only write first editions.”

— Groucho Marx

282. “She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.”

— Groucho Marx

283. “Anybody who doesn’t like this book is healthy.”

— Groucho Marx

284. “Por el mero hecho de existir la gente se cree con derecho a ser feliz.”

— Groucho Marx

285. “You know, I would buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn’t open.”

— Groucho Marx