Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2023 Update)
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151. “There’s a man outside with a big black mustache. – Tell him I’ve got one.”

— Groucho Marx

152. “Go, and never darken my towels again.”

— Groucho Marx

153. “Today’s Father Day and we’re giving you a tie, it’s not much you know, it’s just our way of showing you, you’re a regular guy.”

— Groucho Marx

154. “Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.”

— Groucho Marx

155. “Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

— Groucho Marx

156. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

— Groucho Marx

157. “Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”

— Groucho Marx

158. “Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.”

— Groucho Marx

159. “If he’s been married for 31 years, he’s not the same man.”

— Groucho Marx

160. “You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces.”

— Groucho Marx

161. “You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.”

— Groucho Marx

162. “All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”

— Groucho Marx

163. “I think you’ve got something there, but I’ll wait outside until you clean it up.”

— Groucho Marx

164. “The only game I like to play is “Old Maid”, providing she’s not too old.”

— Groucho Marx

165. “Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much.”

— Groucho Marx

166. “I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.”

— Groucho Marx

167. “Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.”

— Groucho Marx

168. “Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.”

— Groucho Marx

169. “Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.”

— Groucho Marx

170. “I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.”

— Groucho Marx

171. “Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?”

— Groucho Marx

172. “I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

— Groucho Marx

173. “I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.”

— Groucho Marx

174. “I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.”

— Groucho Marx

175. “When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.”

— Groucho Marx

176. “I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”

— Groucho Marx

177. “You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.”

— Groucho Marx

178. “Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.”

— Groucho Marx

179. “Africa is God’s country, and He can have it.”

— Groucho Marx

180. “Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

— Groucho Marx

181. “Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?”

— Groucho Marx

182. “I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

— Groucho Marx

183. “The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.”

— Groucho Marx

184. “I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.”

— Groucho Marx

185. “There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.”

— Groucho Marx

186. “If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.”

— Groucho Marx

187. “She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

— Groucho Marx

188. “How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.”

— Groucho Marx

189. “My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.”

— Groucho Marx

190. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

— Groucho Marx

191. “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

— Groucho Marx

192. “Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.”

— Groucho Marx

193. “That’s three quotes? Add another quote and make it a gallon.”

— Groucho Marx

194. “Do they allow tipping on the boat? – Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? – Oh, yes, sir. Then you won’t need the ten cents I was going to give you.”

— Groucho Marx

195. “How would you like to feel the way she looks.”

— Groucho Marx

196. “The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It’s been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven’t got a camel, but I think it’s a great idea.”

— Groucho Marx

197. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

— Groucho Marx

198. “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”

— Groucho Marx

199. “If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.”

— Groucho Marx

200. “He thinks I look alike!”

— Groucho Marx