Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.”

— Groucho Marx

152. “If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.”

— Groucho Marx

153. “I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.”

— Groucho Marx

154. “Was that you or the duck?”

— Groucho Marx

155. “A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

— Groucho Marx

156. “That’s nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

— Groucho Marx

157. “No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

— Groucho Marx

158. “Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.”

— Groucho Marx

159. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

— Groucho Marx

160. “There’s a man outside with a big black mustache. – Tell him I’ve got one.”

— Groucho Marx

161. “I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

— Groucho Marx

162. “I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.”

— Groucho Marx

163. “I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

— Groucho Marx

164. “I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.”

— Groucho Marx

165. “Go, and never darken my towels again.”

— Groucho Marx

166. “Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.”

— Groucho Marx

167. “In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.”

— Groucho Marx

168. “Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

— Groucho Marx

169. “You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces.”

— Groucho Marx

170. “You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.”

— Groucho Marx

171. “Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.”

— Groucho Marx

172. “If he’s been married for 31 years, he’s not the same man.”

— Groucho Marx

173. “Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”

— Groucho Marx

174. “All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”

— Groucho Marx

175. “I think you’ve got something there, but I’ll wait outside until you clean it up.”

— Groucho Marx

176. “Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much.”

— Groucho Marx

177. “The only game I like to play is “Old Maid”, providing she’s not too old.”

— Groucho Marx

178. “I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.”

— Groucho Marx

179. “Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.”

— Groucho Marx

180. “Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.”

— Groucho Marx

181. “Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?”

— Groucho Marx

182. “When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.”

— Groucho Marx

183. “I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.”

— Groucho Marx

184. “You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.”

— Groucho Marx

185. “I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”

— Groucho Marx

186. “Africa is God’s country, and He can have it.”

— Groucho Marx

187. “Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

— Groucho Marx

188. “If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.”

— Groucho Marx

189. “Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?”

— Groucho Marx

190. “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”

— Groucho Marx

191. “The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.”

— Groucho Marx

192. “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

— Groucho Marx

193. “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

— Groucho Marx

194. “I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

— Groucho Marx

195. “There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.”

— Groucho Marx

196. “She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

— Groucho Marx

197. “How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.”

— Groucho Marx

198. “You’ve got a goal in life. I’ve got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.”

— Groucho Marx

199. “My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.”

— Groucho Marx

200. “Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.”

— Groucho Marx