Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.”

— Groucho Marx

152. “A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

— Groucho Marx

153. “Was that you or the duck?”

— Groucho Marx

154. “No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

— Groucho Marx

155. “There’s a man outside with a big black mustache. – Tell him I’ve got one.”

— Groucho Marx

156. “That’s nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

— Groucho Marx

157. “I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.”

— Groucho Marx

158. “Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.”

— Groucho Marx

159. “I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

— Groucho Marx

160. “I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

— Groucho Marx

161. “I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.”

— Groucho Marx

162. “Go, and never darken my towels again.”

— Groucho Marx

163. “Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

— Groucho Marx

164. “Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.”

— Groucho Marx

165. “You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.”

— Groucho Marx

166. “Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.”

— Groucho Marx

167. “Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”

— Groucho Marx

168. “You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces.”

— Groucho Marx

169. “If he’s been married for 31 years, he’s not the same man.”

— Groucho Marx

170. “All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”

— Groucho Marx

171. “I think you’ve got something there, but I’ll wait outside until you clean it up.”

— Groucho Marx

172. “Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.”

— Groucho Marx

173. “Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much.”

— Groucho Marx

174. “The only game I like to play is “Old Maid”, providing she’s not too old.”

— Groucho Marx

175. “I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.”

— Groucho Marx

176. “Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.”

— Groucho Marx

177. “Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.”

— Groucho Marx

178. “Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?”

— Groucho Marx

179. “When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.”

— Groucho Marx

180. “I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.”

— Groucho Marx

181. “You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.”

— Groucho Marx

182. “I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”

— Groucho Marx

183. “Africa is God’s country, and He can have it.”

— Groucho Marx

184. “Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

— Groucho Marx

185. “If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.”

— Groucho Marx

186. “The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It’s been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven’t got a camel, but I think it’s a great idea.”

— Groucho Marx

187. “Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?”

— Groucho Marx

188. “The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.”

— Groucho Marx

189. “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”

— Groucho Marx

190. “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

— Groucho Marx

191. “I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

— Groucho Marx

192. “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

— Groucho Marx

193. “There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.”

— Groucho Marx

194. “She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

— Groucho Marx

195. “How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.”

— Groucho Marx

196. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

— Groucho Marx

197. “My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.”

— Groucho Marx

198. “Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.”

— Groucho Marx

199. “You’ve got a goal in life. I’ve got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.”

— Groucho Marx

200. “Do they allow tipping on the boat? – Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? – Oh, yes, sir. Then you won’t need the ten cents I was going to give you.”

— Groucho Marx