Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.”

— Groucho Marx

202. “That’s three quotes? Add another quote and make it a gallon.”

— Groucho Marx

203. “Do they allow tipping on the boat? – Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? – Oh, yes, sir. Then you won’t need the ten cents I was going to give you.”

— Groucho Marx

204. “Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.”

— Groucho Marx

205. “Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don’t mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.”

— Groucho Marx

206. “Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: “Remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did.””

— Groucho Marx

207. “It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

— Groucho Marx

208. “He thinks I look alike!”

— Groucho Marx

209. “How would you like to feel the way she looks.”

— Groucho Marx

210. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

— Groucho Marx

211. “I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.”

— Groucho Marx

212. “Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.”

— Groucho Marx

213. “I hope they bury me near a strait man.”

— Groucho Marx

214. “When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, “I was just whispering in her mouth””

— Groucho Marx

215. “But what makes wage slaves? Wages!”

— Groucho Marx

216. “I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.”

— Groucho Marx

217. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.”

— Groucho Marx

218. “I am a man and you are a woman. I can’t think of a better arrangement.”

— Groucho Marx

219. “I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

— Groucho Marx

220. “Women should be obscene, not heard.”

— Groucho Marx

221. “Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.”

— Groucho Marx

222. “The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

— Groucho Marx

223. “Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!”

— Groucho Marx

224. “A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.”

— Groucho Marx

225. “Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!”

— Groucho Marx

226. “A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.”

— Groucho Marx

227. “Madam, you’re making history, in fact, you’re making me, and I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.”

— Groucho Marx

228. “I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.”

— Groucho Marx

229. “Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”

— Groucho Marx

230. “I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.”

— Groucho Marx

231. “I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.”

— Groucho Marx

232. “Room service? Send up a larger room.”

— Groucho Marx

233. “Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.”

— Groucho Marx

234. “I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down.”

— Groucho Marx

235. “He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.”

— Groucho Marx

236. “Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?”

— Groucho Marx

237. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

— Groucho Marx

238. “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

— Groucho Marx

239. “Groucho Marx “This is not a book that should be set aside lightly – it should be flung with great force.”

— Groucho Marx

240. “A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.”

— Groucho Marx

241. “If they’d lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I’d settle here until the next earthquake.”

— Groucho Marx

242. “Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won’t cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.”

— Groucho Marx

243. “Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.”

— Groucho Marx

244. “TV is the rat race of the century.”

— Groucho Marx

245. “I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

— Groucho Marx

246. “Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

— Groucho Marx

247. “And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”

— Groucho Marx

248. “According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is beautiful and that she has red hair. I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair. Red hair makes a man want to recover his health quickly, so that he can get on his feet and get the nurse off hers.” – Groucho Marx, letter to his son.”

— Groucho Marx

249. “I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.”

— Groucho Marx

250. “The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”

— Groucho Marx