Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2023 Update)
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201. “You’ve got a goal in life. I’ve got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.”

— Groucho Marx

202. “Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don’t mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.”

— Groucho Marx

203. “I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

— Groucho Marx

204. “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

— Groucho Marx

205. “Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.”

— Groucho Marx

206. “I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.”

— Groucho Marx

207. “Was that you or the duck?”

— Groucho Marx

208. “Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: “Remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did.””

— Groucho Marx

209. “Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.”

— Groucho Marx

210. “But what makes wage slaves? Wages!”

— Groucho Marx

211. “I hope they bury me near a strait man.”

— Groucho Marx

212. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.”

— Groucho Marx

213. “I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.”

— Groucho Marx

214. “Madam, you’re making history, in fact, you’re making me, and I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.”

— Groucho Marx

215. “Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”

— Groucho Marx

216. “I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.”

— Groucho Marx

217. “I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.”

— Groucho Marx

218. “I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.”

— Groucho Marx

219. “The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

— Groucho Marx

220. “Room service? Send up a larger room.”

— Groucho Marx

221. “It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

— Groucho Marx

222. “When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, “I was just whispering in her mouth””

— Groucho Marx

223. “Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!”

— Groucho Marx

224. “I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

— Groucho Marx

225. “Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?”

— Groucho Marx

226. “Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!”

— Groucho Marx

227. “A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.”

— Groucho Marx

228. “I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.”

— Groucho Marx

229. “Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.”

— Groucho Marx

230. “A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.”

— Groucho Marx

231. “A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.”

— Groucho Marx

232. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

— Groucho Marx

233. “TV is the rat race of the century.”

— Groucho Marx

234. “Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won’t cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.”

— Groucho Marx

235. “I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down.”

— Groucho Marx

236. “Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.”

— Groucho Marx

237. “If they’d lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I’d settle here until the next earthquake.”

— Groucho Marx

238. “Groucho Marx “This is not a book that should be set aside lightly – it should be flung with great force.”

— Groucho Marx

239. “Women should be obscene, not heard.”

— Groucho Marx

240. “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

— Groucho Marx

241. “He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.”

— Groucho Marx

242. “I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

— Groucho Marx

243. “Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.”

— Groucho Marx

244. “Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

— Groucho Marx

245. “I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.”

— Groucho Marx

246. “Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.”

— Groucho Marx

247. “And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”

— Groucho Marx

248. “How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?”

— Groucho Marx

249. “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

— Groucho Marx

250. “Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”

— Groucho Marx