Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Quotes About Books And Reading

2. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Time Quotes, Humor Quotes

3. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

4. “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Being Happy Quotes

5. “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

— Groucho Marx

6. “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Good Morning Quotes

7. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Crazy Quotes, Witty Quotes

8. “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

— Groucho Marx

9. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

— Groucho Marx

10. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”

— Groucho Marx

11. “The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.”

— Groucho Marx

12. “If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Fun Quotes

13. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

14. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

— Groucho Marx

15. “The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You’ve Got It Made.”

— Groucho Marx

16. “There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.”

— Groucho Marx

17. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes

18. “No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Quotes About Work, Boss Quotes

19. “I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”

— Groucho Marx

20. “Whatever it is, I’m against it.”

— Groucho Marx

21. “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

— Groucho Marx

22. “What have future generations ever done for us?”

— Groucho Marx

23. “Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

24. “Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

— Groucho Marx

25. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

— Groucho Marx

26. “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Marriage Quotes, Romance Quotes

27. “Time wounds all heels.”

— Groucho Marx

28. “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”

— Groucho Marx

29. “While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

— Groucho Marx

30. “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

— Groucho Marx

31. “Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!”

— Groucho Marx

32. “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

— Groucho Marx

33. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.”

— Groucho Marx

34. “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.”

— Groucho Marx

35. “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

— Groucho Marx

36. “Blood’s not thicker than money.”

— Groucho Marx

37. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

— Groucho Marx

38. “Celebrate the cracks, because that’s how the light comes in.”

— Groucho Marx

39. “This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Book Quotes, Reading Quotes

40. “Patience is the art of finding something else to do.”

— Groucho Marx

41. “If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.”

— Groucho Marx

42. “I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

43. “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

— Groucho Marx

44. “A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”

— Groucho Marx

45. “Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”

— Groucho Marx

Featured in: Witty Quotes

46. “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

— Groucho Marx

47. “Humor is reason gone mad.”

— Groucho Marx

48. “Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.”

— Groucho Marx

49. “Do you mind if I don’t smoke?”

— Groucho Marx

50. “If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”

— Groucho Marx