Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2025 Update)
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451. “Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”

— Woody Allen

452. “Death is an acquired trait.”

— Woody Allen

453. “You’re a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent.”

— Woody Allen

454. “See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they’re self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.”

— Woody Allen

455. “I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife.”

— Woody Allen

456. “Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don’t have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn’t have to be great can still make a living out of it.”

— Woody Allen

457. “I prefer the magic to reality, and have since I was 5 years old. Hopefully, I can continue to make films and constantly escape into them.”

— Woody Allen

458. “Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I’m a pervert because I drank our water bed.”

— Woody Allen

459. “I told him to be fruitful and multiply, but not in those words.”

— Woody Allen

460. “You make a film and always hope you’re going make “Citizen Kane” or “The Bicycle Thief.” You make the film, and for one reason or another, one clicks and one doesn’t, but it’s out of your control completely.”

— Woody Allen

461. “I have a limitless amount of great music at my disposal and it’s very, very pleasurable because when the music goes on the film it’s amazing how much it livens up the film and gives it an emotional kick in the pants, sort of.”

— Woody Allen

462. “My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign.”

— Woody Allen

463. “When you work from city to city or country to country, you work the same way; the working method is the same.”

— Woody Allen

464. “Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.”

— Woody Allen

465. “Life is hard for insects. And don’t think mice are having any fun either.”

— Woody Allen

466. “I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don’t think they know what they’re doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn’t win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.”

— Woody Allen

467. “I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

— Woody Allen

468. “Humorists always sit at the children’s table.”

— Woody Allen

469. “Fantasy is only a state of mind that you can employ when existing in a real context.”

— Woody Allen

470. “I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.”

— Woody Allen

471. “People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I’ve had the opposite feeling – that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer.”

— Woody Allen

472. “A “Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires.”

— Woody Allen

473. “If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something.”

— Woody Allen

474. “For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.”

— Woody Allen

475. “I see no advantages in aging whatsoever. You become shriveled. You become decrepit. You lose your faculties. Your peer group passes away. You sit in a room gumming your porridge. I don’t see any advantage in this whatsoever.”

— Woody Allen

476. “My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.”

— Woody Allen

477. “There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you.”

— Woody Allen

478. “In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.”

— Woody Allen

479. “Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.”

— Woody Allen

480. “Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.”

— Woody Allen

481. “Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.”

— Woody Allen

482. “Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”

— Woody Allen

483. “I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them.”

— Woody Allen

484. “I consider myself a completely lucky filmmaker. I’ve had nothing but good luck. Everything I’ve needed has come my way.”

— Woody Allen

485. “The wicked at heart probably know something.”

— Woody Allen

486. “My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over the years, that’s what I’ve done.”

— Woody Allen

487. “I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”

— Woody Allen

488. “This stuff tastes awful; I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.”

— Woody Allen

489. “I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I’m profoundly grateful to her.”

— Woody Allen

490. “If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.”

— Woody Allen

491. “I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

— Woody Allen

492. “I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.”

— Woody Allen

493. “The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5? 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”

— Woody Allen

494. “Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”

— Woody Allen

495. “I like filming in New York a lot myself, but London is accommodating to me; the weather’s very good there and the conditions for shooting and the financial conditions, the artistic conditions are good, so it’s a pleasant place to shoot.”

— Woody Allen

496. “The comedies are not a million laughs on the set. Its business and the dramas are business as well, really. When I’m writing it I struggle more with drama because I started out in comedy.”

— Woody Allen

497. “Drama, it would be as if you wrote some poetry. You’d run the risk of being embarrassed if people read it, because you’re pouring your heart out and you’re not mitigating it with any humor or anything.”

— Woody Allen

498. “I’ve often felt that life is a hard deal and it’s unrelentingly tragic and an uphill fight.”

— Woody Allen

499. “I always write the same way. I always write with a yellow pad and a ballpoint pen on my bed. And then I go and type it up afterwards. I’ve always done that. Those things become habitual.”

— Woody Allen

500. “The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.”

— Woody Allen