“Is old age really so terrible? Not if you’ve brushed your teeth faithfully.”
— Woody Allen
“Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.”
“Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?”
“Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.”
“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
“I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.”
“We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn’t be any witnesses.”
“The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?”
“If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.”
“The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.”
“When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.”
“Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?”
“Humorists always sit at the children’s table.”
“My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.”
“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
“See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they’re self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.”
“And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, ’til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.”
“You’ll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don’t always win.”
“I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.”
“If I can play a scene in a master shot, I always prefer it. And the actors always prefer it. It’s fun to look at on the screen, the actors get a chance to sink their teeth into something substantial, and it’s economically helpful.”
“When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.”
“I’m a teleological, existential agnostic.”
“If you’re born with a gift, to behave like it’s an achievement is not right.”
“People still have existential anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom.”
“I’m a big believer in supporting the action on film with the appropriate music. It covers a multitude of sins. It’s gotten me out of a lot of jams, over the years. So, music for me is a very big thing in films and I use it unashamedly.”
“If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.”
“People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.”
“Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.”
“How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don’t know how the can-opener works.”
“I didn’t go to Paris until I was a grown-up in 1965. And when I went to Paris, it was the Paris I knew only from American movies.”
“It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.”
“Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That’s life – and chess.”
“One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.”
“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
“Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.”
“I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.”
“Death is an acquired trait.”
“Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.”
“Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.”
“I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them.”
“The process of making films is so technically demanding that it’s a distraction. You don’t spend your time thinking about the philosophical content, which is often very depressing.”
“Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.”
“There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you.”
“I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.”
“In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.”
“I’ve always been lucky in casting. The trick in casting is to hire great people, and let them do what they do, don’t interfere with them too much. And then when they’re great, take credit for it in the end.”
“I’ve often felt that life is a hard deal and it’s unrelentingly tragic and an uphill fight.”
“Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don’t have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn’t have to be great can still make a living out of it.”
“Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.”
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