“Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That’s life – and chess.”
— Woody Allen
“Death is an acquired trait.”
“Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.”
“If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.”
“My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one.”
“A “Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires.”
“When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.”
“I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.”
“And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, ’til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.”
“I wouldn’t mind dying so much if it wasn’t that I would be dead at the end of it.”
“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?”
“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”
“For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I’d hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.”
“Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.”
“Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?”
“Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.”
“Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.”
“How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don’t know how the can-opener works.”
“One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.”
“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
“Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.”
“I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.”
“Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.”
“The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?”
“The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.”
“Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?”
“Humorists always sit at the children’s table.”
“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
“See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they’re self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.”
“There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you.”
“You’ll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don’t always win.”
“I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.”
“In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.”
“If I can play a scene in a master shot, I always prefer it. And the actors always prefer it. It’s fun to look at on the screen, the actors get a chance to sink their teeth into something substantial, and it’s economically helpful.”
“I’ve often felt that life is a hard deal and it’s unrelentingly tragic and an uphill fight.”
“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5? 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”
“Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don’t have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn’t have to be great can still make a living out of it.”
“Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.”
“When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.”
“I’m a teleological, existential agnostic.”
“If you’re born with a gift, to behave like it’s an achievement is not right.”
“People still have existential anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom.”
“I’m a big believer in supporting the action on film with the appropriate music. It covers a multitude of sins. It’s gotten me out of a lot of jams, over the years. So, music for me is a very big thing in films and I use it unashamedly.”
“If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.”
“People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.”
“I didn’t go to Paris until I was a grown-up in 1965. And when I went to Paris, it was the Paris I knew only from American movies.”
“It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.”
“I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them.”
“The process of making films is so technically demanding that it’s a distraction. You don’t spend your time thinking about the philosophical content, which is often very depressing.”
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