Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2023 Update)
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401. “When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.”

— Woody Allen

402. “Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”

— Woody Allen

403. “If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It’s not like homework. You don’t have to work at the relationship.”

— Woody Allen

404. “I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?”

— Woody Allen

405. “It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.”

— Woody Allen

406. “Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.”

— Woody Allen

407. “People always ask me, Do you ever think you’ll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me – it’s an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We’re one.”

— Woody Allen

408. “Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?”

— Woody Allen

409. “Relationships are really what interest me the most. And I think, in the end, they interest most people the most. Even when you read Tolstoy or something, basically they’re about man and woman relationships.”

— Woody Allen

410. “You make films whether they’re dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn’t interesting.”

— Woody Allen

411. “I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”

— Woody Allen

412. “Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.”

— Woody Allen

413. “I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.”

— Woody Allen

414. “I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.”

— Woody Allen

415. “We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn’t be any witnesses.”

— Woody Allen

416. “I don’t own a computer. I’ve never seen anything online at all – nothing. I don’t own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It’s not an act of rebellion. I’m just not a gadget person.”

— Woody Allen

417. “My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.”

— Woody Allen

418. “If you’re born with a gift, to behave like it’s an achievement is not right.”

— Woody Allen

419. “Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.”

— Woody Allen

420. “There’s nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.”

— Woody Allen

421. “What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat – especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.”

— Woody Allen

422. “If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.”

— Woody Allen

423. “As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

— Woody Allen

424. “You’ll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don’t always win.”

— Woody Allen

425. “Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It’ll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday.”

— Woody Allen

426. “Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.”

— Woody Allen

427. “You’re a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent.”

— Woody Allen

428. “My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign.”

— Woody Allen

429. “Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.”

— Woody Allen

430. “The audience is making the film and not the film-maker.”

— Woody Allen

431. “I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.”

— Woody Allen

432. “Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don’t have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn’t have to be great can still make a living out of it.”

— Woody Allen

433. “Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.”

— Woody Allen

434. “When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?”

— Woody Allen

435. “Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.”

— Woody Allen

436. “Life is hard for insects. And don’t think mice are having any fun either.”

— Woody Allen

437. “Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I’m a pervert because I drank our water bed.”

— Woody Allen

438. “For some reason I’ve always had an irrational love for New York. There’s no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It’s very expensive.”

— Woody Allen

439. “One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.”

— Woody Allen

440. “A “Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires.”

— Woody Allen

441. “The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?”

— Woody Allen

442. “If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something.”

— Woody Allen

443. “Everyone wants to get out of living where they’re living now, because life is a pretty tough proposition and not much fun. But when you think back to earlier times, you only extrapolate the nice things.”

— Woody Allen

444. “I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”

— Woody Allen

445. “I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife.”

— Woody Allen

446. “When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.”

— Woody Allen

447. “People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I’ve had the opposite feeling – that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer.”

— Woody Allen

448. “I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

— Woody Allen

449. “My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.”

— Woody Allen

450. “See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they’re self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.”

— Woody Allen