Top 100

Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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Woody Allen Quote: “I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.”
Woody Allen Quote: “My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It’ll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”
Woody Allen Quote: “We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”
Woody Allen Quote: “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don’t want to win anything or lose anything.”
Woody Allen Quote: “New York is my home and I have a particular fondness for it. I think it’s a place where you can generate any kind of story wonderfully. But I also would be very happy to make a film in Paris or Rome.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”
Woody Allen Quote: “It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That’s life – and chess.”
Woody Allen Quote: “And my parents finally realize I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”
Woody Allen Quote: “People always ask me, Do you ever think you’ll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me – it’s an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We’re one.”
Woody Allen Quote: “You make films whether they’re dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn’t interesting.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don’t get much input. I don’t know if that’s helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone.”
Woody Allen Quote: “For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I’d hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.”
Woody Allen Quote: “One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t own a computer. I’ve never seen anything online at all – nothing. I don’t own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It’s not an act of rebellion. I’m just not a gadget person.”
Woody Allen Quote: “You’ll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don’t always win.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Love may be the answer, but even though you’re watching for the solution, intercourse raises some rather interesting thoughts.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Everyone wants to get out of living where they’re living now, because life is a pretty tough proposition and not much fun. But when you think back to earlier times, you only extrapolate the nice things.”
Woody Allen Quote: “What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat – especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It’s not like homework. You don’t have to work at the relationship.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If you’re born with a gift, to behave like it’s an achievement is not right.”
Woody Allen Quote: “As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.”
Woody Allen Quote: “The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.”
Woody Allen Quote: “When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.”
Woody Allen Quote: “We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn’t be any witnesses.”
Woody Allen Quote: “One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.”
Woody Allen Quote: “There’s nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.”
Woody Allen Quote: “The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?”
Woody Allen Quote: “I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.”
Woody Allen Quote: “When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?”
Woody Allen Quote: “Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”
Woody Allen Quote: “The audience is making the film and not the film-maker.”
Woody Allen Quote: “You’re a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent.”
Woody Allen Quote: “My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don’t have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn’t have to be great can still make a living out of it.”
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