“Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.”
— Woody Allen
“Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.”
“I’ve been escaping my whole life. Since I was a little child, I escaped into the movies on the other side as an audience member. I escaped by going into the movies and sitting in the movies all day long.”
“I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I’m profoundly grateful to her.”
“I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It’s therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.”
“Is old age really so terrible? Not if you’ve brushed your teeth faithfully.”
“I’m so excited-I think today I’m going to brush all my teeth.”
“I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.”
“People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.”
“Me and nature are two.”
“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
“I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.”
“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
“And my parents finally realize I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”
“A “Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires.”
“The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?”
“Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?”
“When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.”
“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”
“And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, ’til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.”
“There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you.”
“I wouldn’t mind dying so much if it wasn’t that I would be dead at the end of it.”
“I’ve often felt that life is a hard deal and it’s unrelentingly tragic and an uphill fight.”
“I’m a teleological, existential agnostic.”
“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”
“For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I’d hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.”
“Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?”
“Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.”
“Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.”
“How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don’t know how the can-opener works.”
“One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.”
“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
“Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.”
“I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.”
“I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them.”
“The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.”
“Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.”
“Humorists always sit at the children’s table.”
“I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
“See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they’re self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.”
“I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.”
“I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.”
“If I can play a scene in a master shot, I always prefer it. And the actors always prefer it. It’s fun to look at on the screen, the actors get a chance to sink their teeth into something substantial, and it’s economically helpful.”
“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5? 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”
“I like filming in New York a lot myself, but London is accommodating to me; the weather’s very good there and the conditions for shooting and the financial conditions, the artistic conditions are good, so it’s a pleasant place to shoot.”
“Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don’t have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn’t have to be great can still make a living out of it.”
“My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.”
“When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.”
“Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.”
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