Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “If I can play a scene in a master shot, I always prefer it. And the actors always prefer it. It’s fun to look at on the screen, the actors get a chance to sink their teeth into something substantial, and it’s economically helpful.”

— Woody Allen

402. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”

— Woody Allen

403. “We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.”

— Woody Allen

404. “Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.”

— Woody Allen

405. “I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”

— Woody Allen

406. “My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.”

— Woody Allen

407. “I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”

— Woody Allen

408. “It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.”

— Woody Allen

409. “And my parents finally realize I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”

— Woody Allen

410. “You make films whether they’re dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn’t interesting.”

— Woody Allen

411. “New York is my home and I have a particular fondness for it. I think it’s a place where you can generate any kind of story wonderfully. But I also would be very happy to make a film in Paris or Rome.”

— Woody Allen

412. “Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It’ll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday.”

— Woody Allen

413. “For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I’d hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.”

— Woody Allen

414. “Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That’s life – and chess.”

— Woody Allen

415. “People always ask me, Do you ever think you’ll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me – it’s an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We’re one.”

— Woody Allen

416. “I don’t own a computer. I’ve never seen anything online at all – nothing. I don’t own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It’s not an act of rebellion. I’m just not a gadget person.”

— Woody Allen

417. “I don’t believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don’t want to win anything or lose anything.”

— Woody Allen

418. “I don’t rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don’t get much input. I don’t know if that’s helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone.”

— Woody Allen

419. “Love may be the answer, but even though you’re watching for the solution, intercourse raises some rather interesting thoughts.”

— Woody Allen

420. “Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.”

— Woody Allen

421. “Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.”

— Woody Allen

422. “One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.”

— Woody Allen

423. “I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.”

— Woody Allen

424. “What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat – especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.”

— Woody Allen

425. “If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It’s not like homework. You don’t have to work at the relationship.”

— Woody Allen

426. “Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.”

— Woody Allen

427. “If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.”

— Woody Allen

428. “Everyone wants to get out of living where they’re living now, because life is a pretty tough proposition and not much fun. But when you think back to earlier times, you only extrapolate the nice things.”

— Woody Allen

429. “You’ll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don’t always win.”

— Woody Allen

430. “If you’re born with a gift, to behave like it’s an achievement is not right.”

— Woody Allen

431. “There’s nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.”

— Woody Allen

432. “As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

— Woody Allen

433. “I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”

— Woody Allen

434. “I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.”

— Woody Allen

435. “We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn’t be any witnesses.”

— Woody Allen

436. “One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.”

— Woody Allen

437. “The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.”

— Woody Allen

438. “Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”

— Woody Allen

439. “Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.”

— Woody Allen

440. “The audience is making the film and not the film-maker.”

— Woody Allen

441. “You’re a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent.”

— Woody Allen

442. “The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?”

— Woody Allen

443. “I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.”

— Woody Allen

444. “When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.”

— Woody Allen

445. “When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?”

— Woody Allen

446. “Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.”

— Woody Allen

447. “I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

— Woody Allen

448. “Death is an acquired trait.”

— Woody Allen

449. “My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign.”

— Woody Allen

450. “Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don’t have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn’t have to be great can still make a living out of it.”

— Woody Allen