Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes, Positive Quotes, Success Quotes, Inspirational Quotes, Motivational Quotes for Success

2. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

3. “The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”

— Woody Allen

4. “The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Passion Quotes, Desire Quotes, Love You Quotes, Valentine's Day Quotes, Soulmate Quotes

5. “If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Failure Quotes

6. “I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes, Solitude Quotes

7. “Just showing up is half the battle.”

— Woody Allen

8. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

9. “If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you’re showing up for.”

— Woody Allen

10. “The only love that lasts is unrequited love.”

— Woody Allen

11. “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Confidence Quotes, Witty Quotes

12. “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

13. “Life’s hard, then you die.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Life is Hard Quotes, Sad Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Suffering Quotes

14. “Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Luck Quotes

15. “The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”

— Woody Allen

16. “Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.”

— Woody Allen

17. “The heart wants what it wants.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Romantic Quotes, Broken Heart Quotes, Famous Movie Quotes, Short Love Quotes for Her

18. “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

— Woody Allen

19. “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Trust No One Quotes

20. “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Witty Quotes

21. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Boss Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Marriage Quotes

22. “I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Humor Quotes

23. “All I have in my life is my imagination.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Imagination Quotes

24. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

— Woody Allen

25. “Showing up is 80 percent of life.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Funny Work Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

26. “Paranoia is knowing all the facts.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Quotes About Facts

27. “Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.”

— Woody Allen

28. “I’ve become the person I’ve always hated, but I’m happier.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Quotes About Feelings

29. “We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let’s hope we make the right choice.”

— Woody Allen

30. “I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”

— Woody Allen

31. “Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.”

— Woody Allen

32. “Ninety percent of success in life is just showing up.”

— Woody Allen

33. “There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”

— Woody Allen

34. “Those who can’t do, teach!”

— Woody Allen

35. “I never start editing a film until it’s completely shot; I don’t edit along the way, ever. When it’s finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we’re finished.”

— Woody Allen

36. “The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Study Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

37. “Don’t worry, I know almost exactly what I’m doing.”

— Woody Allen

38. “The most important words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign.’”

— Woody Allen

39. “What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”

— Woody Allen

40. “In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

— Woody Allen

41. “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”

— Woody Allen

42. “Why ruin a good story with the truth?”

— Woody Allen

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

43. “Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?”

— Woody Allen

44. “I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan – I stroke!”

— Woody Allen

45. “Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.”

— Woody Allen

46. “My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn’t exist.”

— Woody Allen

47. “I love the rain – it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.”

— Woody Allen

48. “Eternity is really long, especially near the end.”

— Woody Allen

49. “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

— Woody Allen

50. “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”

— Woody Allen