“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
— Woody Allen
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
“The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”
“The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.”
“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”
“I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“The only love that lasts is unrequited love.”
“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”
“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”
“Life’s hard, then you die.”
“The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”
“The heart wants what it wants.”
“Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.”
“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
“All i have in my life is my imagination.”
“Paranoia is knowing all the facts.”
“We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
“Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.”
“Showing up is 80 percent of life.”
“Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.”
“I’ve become the person I’ve always hated, but I’m happier.”
“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
“Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean they arent out to get you.”
“Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.”
“I never start editing a film until it’s completely shot; I don’t edit along the way, ever. When it’s finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we’re finished.”
“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”
“If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you’re showing up for.”
“Just showing up is half the battle.”
“The most important words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign.’”
“Why ruin a good story with the truth?”
“The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”
“We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let’s hope we make the right choice.”
“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”
“Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.”
“I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan – I stroke!”
“Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”
“Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?”
“If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying.”
“I don’t want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.”
“My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn’t exist.”
“I love the rain – it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.”
“I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
“There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”
“Eternity is really long, especially near the end.”
“Don’t worry, I know almost exactly what I’m doing.”
“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
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