Woody Allen Quotes

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Woody Allen Quote: “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

Woody Allen Quote: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.”

Woody Allen Quote: “If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”

Woody Allen Quote: “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The only love that lasts is unrequited love.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The heart wants what it wants.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Life’s hard, then you die.”

Woody Allen Quote: “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

Woody Allen Quote: “All i have in my life is my imagination.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I’ve become the person I’ve always hated, but I’m happier.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Paranoia is knowing all the facts.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

Woody Allen Quote: “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I never start editing a film until it’s completely shot; I don’t edit along the way, ever. When it’s finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we’re finished.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Showing up is 80 percent of life.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The most important words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign.’”

Woody Allen Quote: “I love the rain – it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.”

Woody Allen Quote: “In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan – I stroke!”

Woody Allen Quote: “The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”

Woody Allen Quote: “We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let’s hope we make the right choice.”

Woody Allen Quote: “There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?”

Woody Allen Quote: “If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Don’t worry, I know almost exactly what I’m doing.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.”

Woody Allen Quote: “My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn’t exist.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.”

Woody Allen Quote: “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”

Woody Allen Quote: “If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you’re showing up for.”

Woody Allen Quote: “God is either cruel or incompetent.”

Woody Allen Quote: “What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”

Woody Allen Quote: “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Subjectivity is objective.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Eternity is really long, especially near the end.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Those who can’t do, teach!”

Woody Allen Quote: “I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Why ruin a good story with the truth?”

Woody Allen Quote: “Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”

Woody Allen Quote: “We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...”

Woody Allen Quote: “She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.”

Woody Allen Quote: “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

Woody Allen Quote: “My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.”

Woody Allen Quote: “There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I am two with nature.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean they arent out to get you.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Marriage is the death of hope.”

Woody Allen Quote: “The best things in life are censored.”

Woody Allen Quote: “God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

Woody Allen Quote: “You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”

Woody Allen Quote: “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

Woody Allen Quote: “To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”

Woody Allen Quote: “None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?”

Woody Allen Quote: “And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”

Woody Allen Quote: “I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Jazz is a big thing with me. It’s a very big passion of mine, to play it. I’m an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I’ve loved it so much.”

Woody Allen Quote: “You’re still in love’ ‘No I’m not, I’m not She’ll always be a part of me, and she’s an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn’t working.’ ‘What element?’ ‘We never found out.”

Woody Allen Quote: “See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.”

Woody Allen Quote: “If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Our love, our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Isn’t all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?”

Woody Allen Quote: “No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.”

Woody Allen Quote: “When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.”

Woody Allen Quote: “If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!”

Woody Allen Quote: “My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”

Woody Allen Quote: “Money is not everything, but it is better than having one’s health.”

Woody Allen Quote: “Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”

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