“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
— Woody Allen
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
“The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”
“The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.”
“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”
“I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”
“The only love that lasts is unrequited love.”
“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”
“The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”
“Life’s hard, then you die.”
“The heart wants what it wants.”
“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
“Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.”
“All i have in my life is my imagination.”
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
“Paranoia is knowing all the facts.”
“I’ve become the person I’ve always hated, but I’m happier.”
“We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”
“Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.”
“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
“Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.”
“Showing up is 80 percent of life.”
“I never start editing a film until it’s completely shot; I don’t edit along the way, ever. When it’s finished I come in here and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we’re finished.”
“Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.”
“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”
“The most important words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign.’”
“The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”
“There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”
“We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let’s hope we make the right choice.”
“I don’t want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.”
“I love the rain – it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.”
“My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn’t exist.”
“I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan – I stroke!”
“Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean they arent out to get you.”
“If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you’re showing up for.”
“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”
“If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying.”
“Why ruin a good story with the truth?”
“Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”
“I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”
“Don’t worry, I know almost exactly what I’m doing.”
“Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?”
“Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.”
“Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.”
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”
“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”
“Subjectivity is objective.”
“Eternity is really long, especially near the end.”
“Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.”
“Those who can’t do, teach!”
“I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.”
“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”
“We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...”
“God is either cruel or incompetent.”
“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”
“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”
“Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.”
“My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.”
“She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.”
“Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.”
“I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.”
“Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”
“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”
“Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
“I am two with nature.”
“Marriage is the death of hope.”
“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”
“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
“None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.”
“Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.”
“And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”
“Money is not everything, but it is better than having one’s health.”
“A stockbroker is someone who invests other people’s money until it is all gone.”
“The best things in life are censored.”
“See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.”
“If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”
“You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”
“To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”
“I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?”
“All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”
“No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.”
“Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.”
“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”
“My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.”
“I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.”
“Jazz is a big thing with me. It’s a very big passion of mine, to play it. I’m an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I’ve loved it so much.”
“You’re still in love’ ‘No I’m not, I’m not She’ll always be a part of me, and she’s an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn’t working.’ ‘What element?’ ‘We never found out.”
“Our love, our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.”
“Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.”
“Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.”
“Isn’t all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?”
“I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.”
“When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch.”
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