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Woody Allen Quotes
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Woody Allen Quote: “You’re a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent.”

You’re a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.”

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.”

Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.”

I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.”

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.”

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.”

Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You mellow too much you ripen and rot.”

You mellow too much you ripen and rot.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.”

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Well, if I don’t get at least 16 hours, I’m a basket case.”

Well, if I don’t get at least 16 hours, I’m a basket case.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.”

What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.”

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You use sex to express every emotion except love.”

You use sex to express every emotion except love.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Am I my brother’s keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.”

Am I my brother’s keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.”

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You’re so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.”

You’re so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.”

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “There’s nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.”

There’s nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don’t want to win anything or lose anything.”

I don’t believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don’t want to win anything or lose anything.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not “the thing with feathers.” The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.”

How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not “the thing with feathers.” The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.”

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.”

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.”

We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don’t think they know what they’re doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn’t win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.”

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don’t think they know what they’re doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn’t win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.”

Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.”

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.”

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’ve inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father’s hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother’s surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude.”

I’ve inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father’s hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother’s surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.”

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.”

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That’s essentially how I feel about life.”

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That’s essentially how I feel about life.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.”

They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “It’s funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it’s a contradiction.”

It’s funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it’s a contradiction.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Drama, it would be as if you wrote some poetry. You’d run the risk of being embarrassed if people read it, because you’re pouring your heart out and you’re not mitigating it with any humor or anything.”

Drama, it would be as if you wrote some poetry. You’d run the risk of being embarrassed if people read it, because you’re pouring your heart out and you’re not mitigating it with any humor or anything.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.”

The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?”

I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”

I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.”

One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don’t.”

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don’t.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The wicked at heart probably know something.”

The wicked at heart probably know something.

— Woody Allen

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