Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2023 Update)
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301. “Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.”

— Woody Allen

302. “I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.”

— Woody Allen

303. “In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.”

— Woody Allen

304. “I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.”

— Woody Allen

305. “Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ‘Embraceable You’ in spats.”

— Woody Allen

306. “I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.”

— Woody Allen

307. “There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!”

— Woody Allen

308. “I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

— Woody Allen

309. “All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.”

— Woody Allen

310. “I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.”

— Woody Allen

311. “This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can’t.”

— Woody Allen

312. “Paris is particularly beautiful in the rain. It was just a nice experience for me, a pleasant experience, and I was able to present it to the world through my eyes, very subjectively – not realistically, but subjectively.”

— Woody Allen

313. “Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.”

— Woody Allen

314. “Should I marry W? Not if she won’t tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...”

— Woody Allen

315. “You mellow too much you ripen and rot.”

— Woody Allen

316. “I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.”

— Woody Allen

317. “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”

— Woody Allen

318. “If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.”

— Woody Allen

319. “Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

— Woody Allen

320. “It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”

— Woody Allen

321. “The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.”

— Woody Allen

322. “I’m a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!”

— Woody Allen

323. “When a doctor makes a mistake, it’s best to bury the subject.”

— Woody Allen

324. “In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.”

— Woody Allen

325. “Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”

— Woody Allen

326. “Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.”

— Woody Allen

327. “The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.”

— Woody Allen

328. “I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.”

— Woody Allen

329. “If the world is a progressively realized community of interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates, boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.”

— Woody Allen

330. “My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one.”

— Woody Allen

331. “Well, if I don’t get at least 16 hours, I’m a basket case.”

— Woody Allen

332. “Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

— Woody Allen

333. “Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”

— Woody Allen

334. “Until you’ve been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon – you’ve never been kissed.”

— Woody Allen

335. “I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it’s the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.”

— Woody Allen

336. “I am an only child. I have one sister.”

— Woody Allen

337. “Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.”

— Woody Allen

338. “Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.”

— Woody Allen

339. “People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you’re so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.”

— Woody Allen

340. “Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.”

— Woody Allen

341. “I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

— Woody Allen

342. “Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

— Woody Allen

343. “They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.”

— Woody Allen

344. “I love baseball. You know, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just very beautiful to watch.”

— Woody Allen

345. “I’m so excited-I think today I’m going to brush all my teeth.”

— Woody Allen

346. “We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!”

— Woody Allen

347. “I don’t why whatever works and whatever doesn’t. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there’s a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You’re surprised pleasantly when they do. It’s just luck.”

— Woody Allen

348. “I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

— Woody Allen

349. “The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it’s done right.”

— Woody Allen

350. “I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.”

— Woody Allen