Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2025 Update)
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301. “To be loved, certainly, is different from being admired, as one can be admired from afar but to really love someone it is essential to be in the same room with the person, crouching behind the drapes.”

— Woody Allen

302. “That’s one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing’s real, it just lives.”

— Woody Allen

303. “As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it’s always the content dictating the form.”

— Woody Allen

304. “I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.”

— Woody Allen

305. “A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.”

— Woody Allen

306. “I’ve been lucky because my films have consistently made a profit, almost all of them have made a profit. Never a huge profit, but nobody gets hurt. And therefore I get a lot of freedom.”

— Woody Allen

307. “I’ve inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father’s hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother’s surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude.”

— Woody Allen

308. “I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.”

— Woody Allen

309. “I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.”

— Woody Allen

310. “A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.”

— Woody Allen

311. “Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.”

— Woody Allen

312. “In the event of war, I’m a hostage.”

— Woody Allen

313. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.”

— Woody Allen

314. “Paris is particularly beautiful in the rain. It was just a nice experience for me, a pleasant experience, and I was able to present it to the world through my eyes, very subjectively – not realistically, but subjectively.”

— Woody Allen

315. “I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.”

— Woody Allen

316. “I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.”

— Woody Allen

317. “I cannot say for certain that God does not exist; I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he’s a bit of an underachiever.”

— Woody Allen

318. “There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn’t all that important.”

— Woody Allen

319. “I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.”

— Woody Allen

320. “Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.”

— Woody Allen

321. “Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.”

— Woody Allen

322. “Rather than live on in the hearts and minds of my fellow man, I would rather live on in my apartment.”

— Woody Allen

323. “You’re so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.”

— Woody Allen

324. “I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.”

— Woody Allen

325. “In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.”

— Woody Allen

326. “My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one.”

— Woody Allen

327. “People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.”

— Woody Allen

328. “I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.”

— Woody Allen

329. “I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.”

— Woody Allen

330. “Should I marry W? Not if she won’t tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...”

— Woody Allen

331. “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”

— Woody Allen

332. “This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can’t.”

— Woody Allen

333. “Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

— Woody Allen

334. “In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.”

— Woody Allen

335. “All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.”

— Woody Allen

336. “It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”

— Woody Allen

337. “The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.”

— Woody Allen

338. “If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.”

— Woody Allen

339. “You mellow too much you ripen and rot.”

— Woody Allen

340. “When a doctor makes a mistake, it’s best to bury the subject.”

— Woody Allen

341. “They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.”

— Woody Allen

342. “Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”

— Woody Allen

343. “If the world is a progressively realized community of interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates, boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.”

— Woody Allen

344. “Well, if I don’t get at least 16 hours, I’m a basket case.”

— Woody Allen

345. “Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.”

— Woody Allen

346. “I’m a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!”

— Woody Allen

347. “I am an only child. I have one sister.”

— Woody Allen

348. “Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

— Woody Allen

349. “I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

— Woody Allen

350. “For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.”

— Woody Allen