Top 100

Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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Woody Allen Quote: “To be loved, certainly, is different from being admired, as one can be admired from afar but to really love someone it is essential to be in the same room with the person, crouching behind the drapes.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I’ve inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father’s hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother’s surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.”
Woody Allen Quote: “A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.”
Woody Allen Quote: “In the event of war, I’m a hostage.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.”
Woody Allen Quote: “He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Paris is particularly beautiful in the rain. It was just a nice experience for me, a pleasant experience, and I was able to present it to the world through my eyes, very subjectively – not realistically, but subjectively.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I cannot say for certain that God does not exist; I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he’s a bit of an underachiever.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.”
Woody Allen Quote: “There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn’t all that important.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Rather than live on in the hearts and minds of my fellow man, I would rather live on in my apartment.”
Woody Allen Quote: “You’re so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.”
Woody Allen Quote: “In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.”
Woody Allen Quote: “My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one.”
Woody Allen Quote: “People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Should I marry W? Not if she won’t tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...”
Woody Allen Quote: “This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can’t.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”
Woody Allen Quote: “All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”
Woody Allen Quote: “It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.”
Woody Allen Quote: “The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.”
Woody Allen Quote: “In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.”
Woody Allen Quote: “You mellow too much you ripen and rot.”
Woody Allen Quote: “When a doctor makes a mistake, it’s best to bury the subject.”
Woody Allen Quote: “They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If the world is a progressively realized community of interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates, boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I’m a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!”
Woody Allen Quote: “Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I am an only child. I have one sister.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Well, if I don’t get at least 16 hours, I’m a basket case.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Until you’ve been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon – you’ve never been kissed.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
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