Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.”

— Woody Allen

302. “I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.”

— Woody Allen

303. “A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.”

— Woody Allen

304. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.”

— Woody Allen

305. “In the event of war, I’m a hostage.”

— Woody Allen

306. “The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don’t.”

— Woody Allen

307. “He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”

— Woody Allen

308. “Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.”

— Woody Allen

309. “I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.”

— Woody Allen

310. “I cannot say for certain that God does not exist; I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he’s a bit of an underachiever.”

— Woody Allen

311. “Paris is particularly beautiful in the rain. It was just a nice experience for me, a pleasant experience, and I was able to present it to the world through my eyes, very subjectively – not realistically, but subjectively.”

— Woody Allen

312. “I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.”

— Woody Allen

313. “There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn’t all that important.”

— Woody Allen

314. “I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.”

— Woody Allen

315. “Rather than live on in the hearts and minds of my fellow man, I would rather live on in my apartment.”

— Woody Allen

316. “Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.”

— Woody Allen

317. “You’re so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.”

— Woody Allen

318. “Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.”

— Woody Allen

319. “In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.”

— Woody Allen

320. “I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.”

— Woody Allen

321. “My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one.”

— Woody Allen

322. “Should I marry W? Not if she won’t tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...”

— Woody Allen

323. “This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can’t.”

— Woody Allen

324. “I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.”

— Woody Allen

325. “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”

— Woody Allen

326. “All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.”

— Woody Allen

327. “Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

— Woody Allen

328. “People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.”

— Woody Allen

329. “It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”

— Woody Allen

330. “I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.”

— Woody Allen

331. “If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.”

— Woody Allen

332. “The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.”

— Woody Allen

333. “You mellow too much you ripen and rot.”

— Woody Allen

334. “In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.”

— Woody Allen

335. “When a doctor makes a mistake, it’s best to bury the subject.”

— Woody Allen

336. “I’m a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!”

— Woody Allen

337. “If the world is a progressively realized community of interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates, boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.”

— Woody Allen

338. “Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”

— Woody Allen

339. “I am an only child. I have one sister.”

— Woody Allen

340. “Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.”

— Woody Allen

341. “They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.”

— Woody Allen

342. “Well, if I don’t get at least 16 hours, I’m a basket case.”

— Woody Allen

343. “I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.”

— Woody Allen

344. “Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.”

— Woody Allen

345. “Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”

— Woody Allen

346. “Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

— Woody Allen

347. “I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

— Woody Allen

348. “I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it’s the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.”

— Woody Allen

349. “Until you’ve been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon – you’ve never been kissed.”

— Woody Allen

350. “For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.”

— Woody Allen