Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2025 Update)
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351. “Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.”

— Woody Allen

352. “We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!”

— Woody Allen

353. “For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.”

— Woody Allen

354. “Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”

— Woody Allen

355. “I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.”

— Woody Allen

356. “I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.”

— Woody Allen

357. “Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

— Woody Allen

358. “Until you’ve been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon – you’ve never been kissed.”

— Woody Allen

359. “I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it’s the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.”

— Woody Allen

360. “Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.”

— Woody Allen

361. “I’m so excited-I think today I’m going to brush all my teeth.”

— Woody Allen

362. “For some reason I’ve always had an irrational love for New York. There’s no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It’s very expensive.”

— Woody Allen

363. “I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

— Woody Allen

364. “Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they’re awake?”

— Woody Allen

365. “People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you’re so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.”

— Woody Allen

366. “How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not “the thing with feathers.” The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.”

— Woody Allen

367. “Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.”

— Woody Allen

368. “I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.”

— Woody Allen

369. “Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.”

— Woody Allen

370. “I don’t why whatever works and whatever doesn’t. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there’s a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You’re surprised pleasantly when they do. It’s just luck.”

— Woody Allen

371. “Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.”

— Woody Allen

372. “Is old age really so terrible? Not if you’ve brushed your teeth faithfully.”

— Woody Allen

373. “I love baseball. You know, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just very beautiful to watch.”

— Woody Allen

374. “I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

— Woody Allen

375. “I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.”

— Woody Allen

376. “Let’s say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare’s plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do?”

— Woody Allen

377. “How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?”

— Woody Allen

378. “The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.”

— Woody Allen

379. “Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.”

— Woody Allen

380. “The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it’s done right.”

— Woody Allen

381. “The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

— Woody Allen

382. “Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.”

— Woody Allen

383. “It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.”

— Woody Allen

384. “I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.”

— Woody Allen

385. “Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.”

— Woody Allen

386. “When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.”

— Woody Allen

387. “The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.”

— Woody Allen

388. “It’s funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it’s a contradiction.”

— Woody Allen

389. “I’m a creature of the New York City streets.”

— Woody Allen

390. “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.”

— Woody Allen

391. “It’s important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don’t, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn’t work either.”

— Woody Allen

392. “I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.”

— Woody Allen

393. “I wouldn’t mind dying so much if it wasn’t that I would be dead at the end of it.”

— Woody Allen

394. “I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t.”

— Woody Allen

395. “What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.”

— Woody Allen

396. “I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?”

— Woody Allen

397. “Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.”

— Woody Allen

398. “My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.”

— Woody Allen

399. “I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”

— Woody Allen

400. “My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.”

— Woody Allen