Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “I’m so excited-I think today I’m going to brush all my teeth.”

— Woody Allen

352. “Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

— Woody Allen

353. “Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.”

— Woody Allen

354. “People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you’re so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.”

— Woody Allen

355. “I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.”

— Woody Allen

356. “We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!”

— Woody Allen

357. “I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

— Woody Allen

358. “Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.”

— Woody Allen

359. “For some reason I’ve always had an irrational love for New York. There’s no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It’s very expensive.”

— Woody Allen

360. “I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.”

— Woody Allen

361. “Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they’re awake?”

— Woody Allen

362. “Is old age really so terrible? Not if you’ve brushed your teeth faithfully.”

— Woody Allen

363. “The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”

— Woody Allen

364. “I don’t why whatever works and whatever doesn’t. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there’s a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You’re surprised pleasantly when they do. It’s just luck.”

— Woody Allen

365. “I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.”

— Woody Allen

366. “I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

— Woody Allen

367. “I love baseball. You know, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just very beautiful to watch.”

— Woody Allen

368. “I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.”

— Woody Allen

369. “How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not “the thing with feathers.” The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.”

— Woody Allen

370. “The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.”

— Woody Allen

371. “Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.”

— Woody Allen

372. “The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it’s done right.”

— Woody Allen

373. “Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.”

— Woody Allen

374. “Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.”

— Woody Allen

375. “The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.”

— Woody Allen

376. “How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?”

— Woody Allen

377. “It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.”

— Woody Allen

378. “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.”

— Woody Allen

379. “I’m a creature of the New York City streets.”

— Woody Allen

380. “It’s important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don’t, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn’t work either.”

— Woody Allen

381. “It’s funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it’s a contradiction.”

— Woody Allen

382. “Let’s say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare’s plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do?”

— Woody Allen

383. “The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

— Woody Allen

384. “When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.”

— Woody Allen

385. “What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.”

— Woody Allen

386. “My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.”

— Woody Allen

387. “I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t.”

— Woody Allen

388. “I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.”

— Woody Allen

389. “I wouldn’t mind dying so much if it wasn’t that I would be dead at the end of it.”

— Woody Allen

390. “Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.”

— Woody Allen

391. “I’ve always been lucky in casting. The trick in casting is to hire great people, and let them do what they do, don’t interfere with them too much. And then when they’re great, take credit for it in the end.”

— Woody Allen

392. “I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?”

— Woody Allen

393. “Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.”

— Woody Allen

394. “Relationships are really what interest me the most. And I think, in the end, they interest most people the most. Even when you read Tolstoy or something, basically they’re about man and woman relationships.”

— Woody Allen

395. “I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.”

— Woody Allen

396. “I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”

— Woody Allen

397. “Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.”

— Woody Allen

398. “I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.”

— Woody Allen

399. “I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you.”

— Woody Allen

400. “Am I my brother’s keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.”

— Woody Allen