Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2023 Update)
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351. “I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

— Woody Allen

352. “I’m a creature of the New York City streets.”

— Woody Allen

353. “Take the money and run.”

— Woody Allen

354. “Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.”

— Woody Allen

355. “Is old age really so terrible? Not if you’ve brushed your teeth faithfully.”

— Woody Allen

356. “The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.”

— Woody Allen

357. “Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they’re awake?”

— Woody Allen

358. “The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”

— Woody Allen

359. “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.”

— Woody Allen

360. “I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.”

— Woody Allen

361. “I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.”

— Woody Allen

362. “It’s important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don’t, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn’t work either.”

— Woody Allen

363. “People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.”

— Woody Allen

364. “Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.”

— Woody Allen

365. “Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.”

— Woody Allen

366. “The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.”

— Woody Allen

367. “What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people.”

— Woody Allen

368. “How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?”

— Woody Allen

369. “The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

— Woody Allen

370. “It’s funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it’s a contradiction.”

— Woody Allen

371. “My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.”

— Woody Allen

372. “I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.”

— Woody Allen

373. “How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not “the thing with feathers.” The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.”

— Woody Allen

374. “I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t.”

— Woody Allen

375. “Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.”

— Woody Allen

376. “For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.”

— Woody Allen

377. “If I can play a scene in a master shot, I always prefer it. And the actors always prefer it. It’s fun to look at on the screen, the actors get a chance to sink their teeth into something substantial, and it’s economically helpful.”

— Woody Allen

378. “I wouldn’t mind dying so much if it wasn’t that I would be dead at the end of it.”

— Woody Allen

379. “I’ve always been lucky in casting. The trick in casting is to hire great people, and let them do what they do, don’t interfere with them too much. And then when they’re great, take credit for it in the end.”

— Woody Allen

380. “We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.”

— Woody Allen

381. “I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you.”

— Woody Allen

382. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”

— Woody Allen

383. “It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.”

— Woody Allen

384. “New York is my home and I have a particular fondness for it. I think it’s a place where you can generate any kind of story wonderfully. But I also would be very happy to make a film in Paris or Rome.”

— Woody Allen

385. “I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”

— Woody Allen

386. “What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.”

— Woody Allen

387. “I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.”

— Woody Allen

388. “I don’t rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don’t get much input. I don’t know if that’s helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone.”

— Woody Allen

389. “I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.”

— Woody Allen

390. “I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”

— Woody Allen

391. “And my parents finally realize I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”

— Woody Allen

392. “Am I my brother’s keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.”

— Woody Allen

393. “Love may be the answer, but even though you’re watching for the solution, intercourse raises some rather interesting thoughts.”

— Woody Allen

394. “I don’t believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don’t want to win anything or lose anything.”

— Woody Allen

395. “Let’s say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare’s plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do?”

— Woody Allen

396. “For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I’d hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.”

— Woody Allen

397. “Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.”

— Woody Allen

398. “One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.”

— Woody Allen

399. “Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That’s life – and chess.”

— Woody Allen

400. “The process of making films is so technically demanding that it’s a distraction. You don’t spend your time thinking about the philosophical content, which is often very depressing.”

— Woody Allen