Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “Regarding love what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.”

— Woody Allen

202. “The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don’t.”

— Woody Allen

203. “A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.”

— Woody Allen

204. “I’m going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.”

— Woody Allen

205. “The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned.”

— Woody Allen

206. “I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.”

— Woody Allen

207. “I don’t get depressed; I grow a tumor instead.”

— Woody Allen

208. “He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”

— Woody Allen

209. “Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.”

— Woody Allen

210. “I don’t inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can’t not hold one.”

— Woody Allen

211. “The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.”

— Woody Allen

212. “There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.”

— Woody Allen

213. “Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God – I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”

— Woody Allen

214. “My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one.”

— Woody Allen

215. “Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.”

— Woody Allen

216. “My mother never had time for me. When you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention.”

— Woody Allen

217. “Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.”

— Woody Allen

218. “Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ‘Embraceable You’ in spats.”

— Woody Allen

219. “In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one’s age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.”

— Woody Allen

220. “I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

— Woody Allen

221. “The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.”

— Woody Allen

222. “You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.”

— Woody Allen

223. “Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.”

— Woody Allen

224. “Man was made in God’s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?”

— Woody Allen

225. “Sex on Twitter can’t hurt you – unless you fall off.”

— Woody Allen

226. “I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school.”

— Woody Allen

227. “You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life.”

— Woody Allen

228. “I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.”

— Woody Allen

229. “I said this to my daughter, if you don’t practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn’t be able to play it. It’s that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.”

— Woody Allen

230. “Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.”

— Woody Allen

231. “My relationship with death remains the same – I’m strongly against it.”

— Woody Allen

232. “His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

— Woody Allen

233. “How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

— Woody Allen

234. “Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you’re not nauseous.”

— Woody Allen

235. “Life is a concentration camp. You’re stuck here and there’s no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.”

— Woody Allen

236. “Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.”

— Woody Allen

237. “As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.”

— Woody Allen

238. “No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it’s luck.”

— Woody Allen

239. “There’s no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It’s whatever seems right at the time.”

— Woody Allen

240. “Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

— Woody Allen

241. “Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.”

— Woody Allen

242. “Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.”

— Woody Allen

243. “The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.”

— Woody Allen

244. “What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!”

— Woody Allen

245. “I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.”

— Woody Allen

246. “Do I believe in God? I did until Mother’s accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.”

— Woody Allen

247. “I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t.”

— Woody Allen

248. “When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.”

— Woody Allen

249. “Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.”

— Woody Allen

250. “Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

— Woody Allen