Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2023 Update)
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201. “Man was made in God’s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?”

— Woody Allen

202. “Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.”

— Woody Allen

203. “Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.”

— Woody Allen

204. “You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.”

— Woody Allen

205. “Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.”

— Woody Allen

206. “You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life.”

— Woody Allen

207. “In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one’s age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.”

— Woody Allen

208. “I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.”

— Woody Allen

209. “His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

— Woody Allen

210. “I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school.”

— Woody Allen

211. “Life is a concentration camp. You’re stuck here and there’s no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.”

— Woody Allen

212. “Life is full of moments that are good – winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner – but the whole thing is tragic. It’s an oasis that is very pleasant.”

— Woody Allen

213. “When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

— Woody Allen

214. “I said this to my daughter, if you don’t practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn’t be able to play it. It’s that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.”

— Woody Allen

215. “My relationship with death remains the same – I’m strongly against it.”

— Woody Allen

216. “As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.”

— Woody Allen

217. “Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.”

— Woody Allen

218. “There’s no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It’s whatever seems right at the time.”

— Woody Allen

219. “How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

— Woody Allen

220. “The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.”

— Woody Allen

221. “Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

— Woody Allen

222. “Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you’re not nauseous.”

— Woody Allen

223. “Do I believe in God? I did until Mother’s accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.”

— Woody Allen

224. “I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.”

— Woody Allen

225. “What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!”

— Woody Allen

226. “Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.”

— Woody Allen

227. “I’m trying to arrange my life so I don’t have to be present.”

— Woody Allen

228. “When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.”

— Woody Allen

229. “People still have existential anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom.”

— Woody Allen

230. “No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it’s luck.”

— Woody Allen

231. “If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.”

— Woody Allen

232. “Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?”

— Woody Allen

233. “My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.”

— Woody Allen

234. “Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

— Woody Allen

235. “If you aren’t failing every now and then, you’re probably playing it too safe.”

— Woody Allen

236. “Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.”

— Woody Allen

237. “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

— Woody Allen

238. “I’ve gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.”

— Woody Allen

239. “Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

— Woody Allen

240. “Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.”

— Woody Allen

241. “You use sex to express every emotion except love.”

— Woody Allen

242. “And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, ’til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.”

— Woody Allen

243. “I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

— Woody Allen

244. “What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?”

— Woody Allen

245. “I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.”

— Woody Allen

246. “Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

— Woody Allen

247. “I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.”

— Woody Allen

248. “Paris is a very exciting city. I learned about Paris the same way that Americans do: from the movies.”

— Woody Allen

249. “I’m a teleological, existential agnostic.”

— Woody Allen

250. “Music has always helped my films. In ‘The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,’ you can hear ‘Sunrise’ by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action.”

— Woody Allen