Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “I don’t inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can’t not hold one.”

— Woody Allen

202. “Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God – I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”

— Woody Allen

203. “There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.”

— Woody Allen

204. “There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!”

— Woody Allen

205. “Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.”

— Woody Allen

206. “My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.”

— Woody Allen

207. “Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ‘Embraceable You’ in spats.”

— Woody Allen

208. “My mother never had time for me. When you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention.”

— Woody Allen

209. “I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

— Woody Allen

210. “Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.”

— Woody Allen

211. “You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.”

— Woody Allen

212. “In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one’s age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.”

— Woody Allen

213. “The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.”

— Woody Allen

214. “Man was made in God’s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?”

— Woody Allen

215. “Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.”

— Woody Allen

216. “Take the money and run.”

— Woody Allen

217. “You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life.”

— Woody Allen

218. “I said this to my daughter, if you don’t practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn’t be able to play it. It’s that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.”

— Woody Allen

219. “I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.”

— Woody Allen

220. “I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school.”

— Woody Allen

221. “His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

— Woody Allen

222. “Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.”

— Woody Allen

223. “My relationship with death remains the same – I’m strongly against it.”

— Woody Allen

224. “How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

— Woody Allen

225. “What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people.”

— Woody Allen

226. “Life is a concentration camp. You’re stuck here and there’s no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.”

— Woody Allen

227. “Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.”

— Woody Allen

228. “Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you’re not nauseous.”

— Woody Allen

229. “As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.”

— Woody Allen

230. “No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it’s luck.”

— Woody Allen

231. “There’s no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It’s whatever seems right at the time.”

— Woody Allen

232. “Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.”

— Woody Allen

233. “The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.”

— Woody Allen

234. “Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

— Woody Allen

235. “I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.”

— Woody Allen

236. “What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!”

— Woody Allen

237. “Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

— Woody Allen

238. “Do I believe in God? I did until Mother’s accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.”

— Woody Allen

239. “When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.”

— Woody Allen

240. “Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.”

— Woody Allen

241. “People still have existential anxiety. It just may not be expressed in Hebraic idiom.”

— Woody Allen

242. “I’m trying to arrange my life so I don’t have to be present.”

— Woody Allen

243. “If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.”

— Woody Allen

244. “The process of making films is so technically demanding that it’s a distraction. You don’t spend your time thinking about the philosophical content, which is often very depressing.”

— Woody Allen

245. “Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?”

— Woody Allen

246. “Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

— Woody Allen

247. “My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.”

— Woody Allen

248. “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

— Woody Allen

249. “Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.”

— Woody Allen

250. “Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

— Woody Allen