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Woody Allen Quotes
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Woody Allen Quote: “I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.”

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?”

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.”

Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one’s age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.”

In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one’s age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life.”

You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I never ever see a film of mine after I release it to the public. I see it when I shoot it in my dailies and while I’m editing it, re-editing it and reshooting it and all that. By the time it’s finished I never want to see it again.”

I never ever see a film of mine after I release it to the public. I see it when I shoot it in my dailies and while I’m editing it, re-editing it and reshooting it and all that. By the time it’s finished I never want to see it again.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.”

Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “When you write the script, you’re home in a room by yourself, and you’re writing, and there’s no connection with the real performing world. So you get a lot of things wrong and make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of bad choices.”

When you write the script, you’re home in a room by yourself, and you’re writing, and there’s no connection with the real performing world. So you get a lot of things wrong and make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of bad choices.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.”

My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Dying is like making love, except you don’t get naseous afterwards.”

Dying is like making love, except you don’t get naseous afterwards.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “One of the wonderful things about making a film of any genre is that you have dialogue. You can take up a position. If you want to say something about your position, you can just say it. You don’t have to spend massive amounts of screen time.”

One of the wonderful things about making a film of any genre is that you have dialogue. You can take up a position. If you want to say something about your position, you can just say it. You don’t have to spend massive amounts of screen time.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Paris is a very exciting city. I learned about Paris the same way that Americans do: from the movies.”

Paris is a very exciting city. I learned about Paris the same way that Americans do: from the movies.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I can’t imagine any director directing a screenplay of mine, because the great directors all have very personal styles, and the ones that don’t are not very interesting directors.”

I can’t imagine any director directing a screenplay of mine, because the great directors all have very personal styles, and the ones that don’t are not very interesting directors.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.”

When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’ve gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.”

I’ve gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “There have been times when I’ve thought about it – but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.”

There have been times when I’ve thought about it – but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner’s mansion.”

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner’s mansion.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.”

I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The artist can’t give you an answer that’s satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half.”

The artist can’t give you an answer that’s satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him.”

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it’s always the content dictating the form.”

As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it’s always the content dictating the form.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.”

I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “That’s one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing’s real, it just lives.”

That’s one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing’s real, it just lives.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’ve been lucky because my films have consistently made a profit, almost all of them have made a profit. Never a huge profit, but nobody gets hurt. And therefore I get a lot of freedom.”

I’ve been lucky because my films have consistently made a profit, almost all of them have made a profit. Never a huge profit, but nobody gets hurt. And therefore I get a lot of freedom.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.”

A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.”

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.”

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.”

Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.”

I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.”

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Sylvia Plath. Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality.”

Sylvia Plath. Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.”

In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.”

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.”

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!”

I’m a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life.”

The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.”

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Until you’ve been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon – you’ve never been kissed.”

Until you’ve been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon – you’ve never been kissed.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.”

I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.”

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.”

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.

— Woody Allen

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