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Woody Allen Quotes
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Woody Allen Quote: “Those who can’t do, teach!”

Those who can’t do, teach!

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Subjectivity is objective.”

Subjectivity is objective.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.”

Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.”

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...”

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “God is either cruel or incompetent.”

God is either cruel or incompetent.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I am two with nature.”

I am two with nature.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.”

Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.”

My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.”

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.”

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.”

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.”

There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Money is not everything, but it is better than having one’s health.”

Money is not everything, but it is better than having one’s health.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “A stockbroker is someone who invests other people’s money until it is all gone.”

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people’s money until it is all gone.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Marriage is the death of hope.”

Marriage is the death of hope.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.”

None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.”

Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”

And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.”

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.”

See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The best things in life are censored.”

The best things in life are censored.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?”

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.”

No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.”

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.”

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Jazz is a big thing with me. It’s a very big passion of mine, to play it. I’m an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I’ve loved it so much.”

Jazz is a big thing with me. It’s a very big passion of mine, to play it. I’m an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I’ve loved it so much.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.”

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You’re still in love’ ‘No I’m not, I’m not She’ll always be a part of me, and she’s an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn’t working.’ ‘What element?’ ‘We never found out.”

You’re still in love’ ‘No I’m not, I’m not She’ll always be a part of me, and she’s an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn’t working.’ ‘What element?’ ‘We never found out.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o’clock.”

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o’clock.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.”

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.”

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Our love, our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.”

Our love, our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Isn’t all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?”

Isn’t all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?

— Woody Allen

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