Top 100

Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2023 Update)
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Woody Allen Quote: “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”
Woody Allen Quote: “God is either cruel or incompetent.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.”
Woody Allen Quote: “God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Subjectivity is objective.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.”
Woody Allen Quote: “It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o’clock.”
Woody Allen Quote: “There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.”
Woody Allen Quote: “We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”
Woody Allen Quote: “No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.”
Woody Allen Quote: “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
Woody Allen Quote: “The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Money is not everything, but it is better than having one’s health.”
Woody Allen Quote: “My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Marriage is the death of hope.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”
Woody Allen Quote: “To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I am two with nature.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.”
Woody Allen Quote: “She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.”
Woody Allen Quote: “All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.”
Woody Allen Quote: “The best things in life are censored.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
Woody Allen Quote: “A stockbroker is someone who invests other people’s money until it is all gone.”
Woody Allen Quote: “See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest.”
Woody Allen Quote: “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
Woody Allen Quote: “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
Woody Allen Quote: “You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
Woody Allen Quote: “And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”
Woody Allen Quote: “If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”
Woody Allen Quote: “None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.”
Woody Allen Quote: “Jazz is a big thing with me. It’s a very big passion of mine, to play it. I’m an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I’ve loved it so much.”
Woody Allen Quote: “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.”
Woody Allen Quote: “I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?”
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