Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”

— Woody Allen

52. “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”

— Woody Allen

53. “I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.”

— Woody Allen

54. “God is either cruel or incompetent.”

— Woody Allen

55. “I don’t want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.”

— Woody Allen

56. “If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying.”

— Woody Allen

57. “God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

— Woody Allen

58. “Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.”

— Woody Allen

59. “Subjectivity is objective.”

— Woody Allen

60. “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”

— Woody Allen

61. “Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.”

— Woody Allen

62. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

— Woody Allen

63. “It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o’clock.”

— Woody Allen

64. “There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.”

— Woody Allen

65. “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”

— Woody Allen

66. “I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.”

— Woody Allen

67. “Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.”

— Woody Allen

68. “Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”

— Woody Allen

69. “The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”

— Woody Allen

70. “We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...”

— Woody Allen

71. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

— Woody Allen

72. “Even if God exists, he’s done such a terrible job, it’s a wonder people don’t get together and file a class action suit against him.”

— Woody Allen

73. “Money is not everything, but it is better than having one’s health.”

— Woody Allen

74. “No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.”

— Woody Allen

75. “Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”

— Woody Allen

76. “I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.”

— Woody Allen

77. “My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.”

— Woody Allen

78. “Marriage is the death of hope.”

— Woody Allen

79. “I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.”

— Woody Allen

80. “All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.”

— Woody Allen

81. “The best things in life are censored.”

— Woody Allen

82. “To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”

— Woody Allen

83. “I am two with nature.”

— Woody Allen

84. “I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?”

— Woody Allen

85. “I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.”

— Woody Allen

86. “She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.”

— Woody Allen

87. “If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”

— Woody Allen

88. “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

— Woody Allen

89. “A stockbroker is someone who invests other people’s money until it is all gone.”

— Woody Allen

90. “See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.”

— Woody Allen

91. “Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest.”

— Woody Allen

92. “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

— Woody Allen

93. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

— Woody Allen

94. “You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”

— Woody Allen

95. “And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.”

— Woody Allen

96. “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

— Woody Allen

97. “I don’t know what I’m doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.”

— Woody Allen

98. “None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.”

— Woody Allen

99. “Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.”

— Woody Allen

100. “Jazz is a big thing with me. It’s a very big passion of mine, to play it. I’m an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I’ve loved it so much.”

— Woody Allen