Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.”

— Woody Allen

102. “Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it’s leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

— Woody Allen

103. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.”

— Woody Allen

104. “Between the Pope and air conditioning, I’d choose air conditioning.”

— Woody Allen

105. “Our love, our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.”

— Woody Allen

106. “Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

— Woody Allen

107. “All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”

— Woody Allen

108. “Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.”

— Woody Allen

109. “If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”

— Woody Allen

110. “My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”

— Woody Allen

111. “I don’t know enough to be incompetent.”

— Woody Allen

112. “My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.”

— Woody Allen

113. “I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.”

— Woody Allen

114. “Show business is dog eat dog. It’s worse than dog eat dog. It’s dog doesn’t return dog’s phone calls.”

— Woody Allen

115. “Your still searching for me in every woman. You’ll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.”

— Woody Allen

116. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”

— Woody Allen

117. “I read in self-defense.”

— Woody Allen

118. “You’re still in love’ ‘No I’m not, I’m not She’ll always be a part of me, and she’s an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn’t working.’ ‘What element?’ ‘We never found out.”

— Woody Allen

119. “You know, it’s one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what’s going on.”

— Woody Allen

120. “I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.”

— Woody Allen

121. “Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it’s still the only place where you can get a decent steak.”

— Woody Allen

122. “He’s a politician. That’s a notch below child molester.”

— Woody Allen

123. “Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.”

— Woody Allen

124. “Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body.”

— Woody Allen

125. “Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.”

— Woody Allen

126. “Isn’t all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?”

— Woody Allen

127. “In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”

— Woody Allen

128. “I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.”

— Woody Allen

129. “Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?”

— Woody Allen

130. “When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch.”

— Woody Allen

131. “I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.”

— Woody Allen

132. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

— Woody Allen

133. “If you aren’t failing every now and then, you’re probably playing it too safe.”

— Woody Allen

134. “I know what I think but I don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you.”

— Woody Allen

135. “Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!”

— Woody Allen

136. “I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

— Woody Allen

137. “Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”

— Woody Allen

138. “Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.”

— Woody Allen

139. “I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.”

— Woody Allen

140. “Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”

— Woody Allen

141. “My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.”

— Woody Allen

142. “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

— Woody Allen

143. “I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.”

— Woody Allen

144. “Well, trouble’s my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don’t want you spreading that around.”

— Woody Allen

145. “I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

— Woody Allen

146. “The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”

— Woody Allen

147. “When you travel around the country, you see what a tough town New York is: rude, competitive, a town where good, logical ideas are ignored in favor of unworkable ones. And yet, all these other towns are so dead and boring compared to New York.”

— Woody Allen

148. “What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?”

— Woody Allen

149. “When I am in New York, I want to be in Europe, and when I am in Europe, I want to be in New York.”

— Woody Allen

150. “The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That’s essentially how I feel about life.”

— Woody Allen