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Woody Allen Quotes
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Woody Allen Quote: “I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.”

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch.”

When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!”

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it’s leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it’s leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.”

I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “Your still searching for me in every woman. You’ll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.”

Your still searching for me in every woman. You’ll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.”

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.”

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.”

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You know, it’s one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what’s going on.”

You know, it’s one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what’s going on.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.”

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.”

I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “There’s nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.”

There’s nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest.”

Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You are always a comedian by default. You are this way because you’ve been forced to be this way, but it is better to be the hero. So if you can be a persona, the great one of my lifetime of course was and is Marlon Brando.”

You are always a comedian by default. You are this way because you’ve been forced to be this way, but it is better to be the hero. So if you can be a persona, the great one of my lifetime of course was and is Marlon Brando.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “When you travel around the country, you see what a tough town New York is: rude, competitive, a town where good, logical ideas are ignored in favor of unworkable ones. And yet, all these other towns are so dead and boring compared to New York.”

When you travel around the country, you see what a tough town New York is: rude, competitive, a town where good, logical ideas are ignored in favor of unworkable ones. And yet, all these other towns are so dead and boring compared to New York.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.”

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I foresee death by culture shock.”

I foresee death by culture shock.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?”

Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The best an idea gets is when its in your head.”

The best an idea gets is when its in your head.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I write about what I want to write about, and so the film comes out as a very personal expression even if its subject matter is totally prefabricated.”

I write about what I want to write about, and so the film comes out as a very personal expression even if its subject matter is totally prefabricated.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “No Matter what you do there will be critics.”

No Matter what you do there will be critics.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.”

I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “American films, it’s a money-making industry. And in France, you can find great respect for cinema as art.”

American films, it’s a money-making industry. And in France, you can find great respect for cinema as art.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?”

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life.”

My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.”

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.”

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t get depressed; I grow a tumor instead.”

I don’t get depressed; I grow a tumor instead.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.”

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can’t not hold one.”

I don’t inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can’t not hold one.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.”

I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Regarding love what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.”

Regarding love what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?”

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.”

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Between the Pope and air conditioning, I’d choose air conditioning.”

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I’d choose air conditioning.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “When I am in New York, I want to be in Europe, and when I am in Europe, I want to be in New York.”

When I am in New York, I want to be in Europe, and when I am in Europe, I want to be in New York.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.”

I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.”

I’m going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body.”

Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body.

— Woody Allen

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