Top 500 Woody Allen Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.”

— Woody Allen

252. “Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

— Woody Allen

253. “Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

— Woody Allen

254. “I’m a teleological, existential agnostic.”

— Woody Allen

255. “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

— Woody Allen

256. “Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?”

— Woody Allen

257. “Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.”

— Woody Allen

258. “I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

— Woody Allen

259. “I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.”

— Woody Allen

260. “Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”

— Woody Allen

261. “And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, ’til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.”

— Woody Allen

262. “What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?”

— Woody Allen

263. “Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”

— Woody Allen

264. “How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”

— Woody Allen

265. “You use sex to express every emotion except love.”

— Woody Allen

266. “I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.”

— Woody Allen

267. “I’ve gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.”

— Woody Allen

268. “When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”

— Woody Allen

269. “Music has always helped my films. In ‘The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,’ you can hear ‘Sunrise’ by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action.”

— Woody Allen

270. “Paris is a very exciting city. I learned about Paris the same way that Americans do: from the movies.”

— Woody Allen

271. “Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution.”

— Woody Allen

272. “Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.”

— Woody Allen

273. “My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.”

— Woody Allen

274. “I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him.”

— Woody Allen

275. “One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.”

— Woody Allen

276. “While we’re waiting for a cab I’ll give you your lesson for today. Don’t listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don’t pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that’s how you’ll know what life is really gonna be like.”

— Woody Allen

277. “There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught.”

— Woody Allen

278. “My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.”

— Woody Allen

279. “If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.”

— Woody Allen

280. “Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

— Woody Allen

281. “When you write the script, you’re home in a room by yourself, and you’re writing, and there’s no connection with the real performing world. So you get a lot of things wrong and make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of bad choices.”

— Woody Allen

282. “I never ever see a film of mine after I release it to the public. I see it when I shoot it in my dailies and while I’m editing it, re-editing it and reshooting it and all that. By the time it’s finished I never want to see it again.”

— Woody Allen

283. “Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.”

— Woody Allen

284. “The less I speak to the actors, the better. And I always hire great people, and I don’t want to impose my pre-conceived notions on them. They know how to play it.”

— Woody Allen

285. “I have a great admiration for English actors and actresses and have used them at every opportunity over the years, but now I won’t have to import them to New York.”

— Woody Allen

286. “Hey listen – I’ve proved a lot of things. That’s how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let’s not get carried away.”

— Woody Allen

287. “Be alert. The world needs more lerts.”

— Woody Allen

288. “To me, movies are valuable as an art form and as a wonderful means of popular entertainment. But I think movies have gone terribly wrong.”

— Woody Allen

289. “I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It’s therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.”

— Woody Allen

290. “When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.”

— Woody Allen

291. “I’m very old-fashioned. I believe that people should stay married for life, like pigeons and Catholics.”

— Woody Allen

292. “I can’t imagine any director directing a screenplay of mine, because the great directors all have very personal styles, and the ones that don’t are not very interesting directors.”

— Woody Allen

293. “Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner’s mansion.”

— Woody Allen

294. “One of the wonderful things about making a film of any genre is that you have dialogue. You can take up a position. If you want to say something about your position, you can just say it. You don’t have to spend massive amounts of screen time.”

— Woody Allen

295. “This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.”

— Woody Allen

296. “Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?”

— Woody Allen

297. “The artist can’t give you an answer that’s satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half.”

— Woody Allen

298. “Dying is like making love, except you don’t get naseous afterwards.”

— Woody Allen

299. “There have been times when I’ve thought about it – but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.”

— Woody Allen

300. “Yeah, that’s what the present is. It’s a little unsatisfying because life’s a little unsatisfying.”

— Woody Allen