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Woody Allen Quotes
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Woody Allen Quote: “I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.”

I never have an alter ego in the movies. That’s a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it’s fun to write that. It gives them something to write.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.”

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.”

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I said this to my daughter, if you don’t practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn’t be able to play it. It’s that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.”

I said this to my daughter, if you don’t practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn’t be able to play it. It’s that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Rather than live on in the hearts and minds of my fellow man, I would rather live on in my apartment.”

Rather than live on in the hearts and minds of my fellow man, I would rather live on in my apartment.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m a creature of the New York City streets.”

I’m a creature of the New York City streets.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.”

Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.”

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn’t all that important.”

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn’t all that important.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.”

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.”

I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.”

They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.”

My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.”

Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can’t.”

This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can’t.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.”

My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it’s the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.”

I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it’s the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.

— Woody Allen



Woody Allen Quote: “I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.”

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.”

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I’m trying to arrange my life so I don’t have to be present.”

I’m trying to arrange my life so I don’t have to be present.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.”

The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you’re so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.”

People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you’re so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.”

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “People always ask me, Do you ever think you’ll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me – it’s an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We’re one.”

People always ask me, Do you ever think you’ll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me – it’s an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We’re one.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Should I marry W? Not if she won’t tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...”

Should I marry W? Not if she won’t tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.”

Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.”

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!”

We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “You can’t ride two horses with one behind.”

You can’t ride two horses with one behind.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I am an only child. I have one sister.”

I am an only child. I have one sister.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “It’s important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don’t, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn’t work either.”

It’s important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don’t, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn’t work either.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I don’t rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don’t get much input. I don’t know if that’s helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone.”

I don’t rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don’t get much input. I don’t know if that’s helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.”

In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it’s done right.”

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it’s done right.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.”

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Paris is particularly beautiful in the rain. It was just a nice experience for me, a pleasant experience, and I was able to present it to the world through my eyes, very subjectively – not realistically, but subjectively.”

Paris is particularly beautiful in the rain. It was just a nice experience for me, a pleasant experience, and I was able to present it to the world through my eyes, very subjectively – not realistically, but subjectively.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!”

There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.”

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.”

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?”

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It’s not like homework. You don’t have to work at the relationship.”

If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It’s not like homework. You don’t have to work at the relationship.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “In the event of war, I’m a hostage.”

In the event of war, I’m a hostage.

— Woody Allen


Woody Allen Quote: “Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.”

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

— Woody Allen

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