Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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451. “A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O’Hare, you can’t get there at all.”

— Dave Barry

452. “Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.”

— Dave Barry

453. “Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.”

— Dave Barry

454. “Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally.”

— Dave Barry

455. “I also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to develop World Wide Web sites in a frantic scramble to reach the vast new consumer market of Web use.”

— Dave Barry

456. “The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.”

— Dave Barry

457. “American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.”

— Dave Barry

458. “Smee! Raise the Ladies!”

— Dave Barry

459. “England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.”

— Dave Barry

460. “One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.”

— Dave Barry

461. “I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition.”

— Dave Barry

462. “The fact that Gene Weingarten and I and Bathroom Inventory are now part of some kind of Matrix of Poop strongly suggests that the Pulitzer is not what it once was.”

— Dave Barry

463. “I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor – I’m talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt...”

— Dave Barry

464. “The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.”

— Dave Barry

465. “Editorials are written by people who have agreed to have several strong opinions a day and to write them down, provided they do not have to sign their names.”

— Dave Barry

466. “This ball was so crowded that it took me – a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area – forty five minutes to get a beer.”

— Dave Barry

467. “To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.”

— Dave Barry

468. “I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.”

— Dave Barry

469. “Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics – and a big piece if luck.”

— Dave Barry

470. “Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O’Hare.”

— Dave Barry

471. “Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores.”

— Dave Barry

472. “I want to gag sometimes when I see who “we” are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.”

— Dave Barry

473. “They looked plainly scared, except for one, a wiry boy with bright orange hair – not the largest of the lot, but the one who seemed to be in charge. He had an air about him, Alf thought, the look of a boy who doesn’t miss much.”

— Dave Barry

474. “I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.”

— Dave Barry

475. “Molly happy see Ammm,” she said. The Porpoise language has 237 words that mean “happy,” and Molly had actually chosen the one denoting the happiness derived from having one’s belly tickled by seaweed.”

— Dave Barry

476. “When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product.”

— Dave Barry

477. “If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”

— Dave Barry

478. “I’ve never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.”

— Dave Barry

479. “Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.”

— Dave Barry

480. “What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.”

— Dave Barry

481. “Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.”

— Dave Barry

482. “There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.”

— Dave Barry

483. “For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.”

— Dave Barry

484. “I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you’re in the closet if you don’t go around talking about it.”

— Dave Barry

485. “When I say ‘serve you better,’ I mean ‘increase our profits.’ We newspapers are very big on profits these days.”

— Dave Barry

486. “You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing.”

— Dave Barry

487. “I can’t recall a story that played out exactly as I’d expected it to. That’s one of the thrills of journalism – being surprised, and learning new stuff, but it also poses the biggest challenge to a writer’s character.”

— Dave Barry

488. “People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.”

— Dave Barry

489. “Don’t emphasise money if you don’t have much; be happy.”

— Dave Barry

490. “Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane. If I spent all my hours writing things like “Fatal Distraction,” I’d become a brooding, erratic melancholic. I’d be Raskolnikov.”

— Dave Barry

491. “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”

— Dave Barry

492. “Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.”

— Dave Barry

493. “If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can’t seem to locate the deodorant, huh?”

— Dave Barry

494. “I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”

— Dave Barry

495. “I don’t know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.”

— Dave Barry

496. “Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: ‘Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?’”

— Dave Barry

497. “The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.”

— Dave Barry

498. “What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be “colonial”.”

— Dave Barry

499. “As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.”

— Dave Barry

500. “In our language,” he said, “Alf means squid poop.”

— Dave Barry