Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”

— Dave Barry

52. “To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”

— Dave Barry

53. “We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.”

— Dave Barry

54. “It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it.”

— Dave Barry

55. “The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move.”

— Dave Barry

56. “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

— Dave Barry

57. “The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”

— Dave Barry

58. “Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.”

— Dave Barry

59. “Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.”

— Dave Barry

60. “Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.”

— Dave Barry

61. “Print neatly. That’s the kind of advice that the IRS considers a “dynamite” tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they’re useless.”

— Dave Barry

62. “Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.”

— Dave Barry

63. “Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.”

— Dave Barry

64. “Washington is nicknamed “The Evergreen State” because it sounds better than “The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State.””

— Dave Barry

65. “I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.”

— Dave Barry

66. “Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge – the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England – is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.”

— Dave Barry

67. “Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!”

— Dave Barry

68. “Today’s scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?”

— Dave Barry

69. “A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.”

— Dave Barry

70. “A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.”

— Dave Barry

71. “Florida’s number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.”

— Dave Barry

72. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”

— Dave Barry

73. “I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.”

— Dave Barry

74. “There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.”

— Dave Barry

75. “I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and – regardless of their political or cultural differences – accuse each other of cheating.”

— Dave Barry

76. “Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.”

— Dave Barry

77. “Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.”

— Dave Barry

78. “As the saying goes: “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re a newspaper columnist.””

— Dave Barry

79. “No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.”

— Dave Barry

80. “DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.”

— Dave Barry

81. “Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.”

— Dave Barry

82. “The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called “LinkedIn.””

— Dave Barry

83. “Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the ‘most reliable Windows ever.’ To me, this is like saying that asparagus is ‘the most articulate vegetable ever.’”

— Dave Barry

84. “I have never had a point in my life to make. I’m just trying to entertain the reader.”

— Dave Barry

85. “I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.”

— Dave Barry

86. “We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.”

— Dave Barry

87. “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

— Dave Barry

88. “Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.”

— Dave Barry

89. “Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.”

— Dave Barry

90. “Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”

— Dave Barry

91. “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.”

— Dave Barry

92. “Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.”

— Dave Barry

93. “People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”

— Dave Barry

94. “What’s happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession – it has to be your perfect day.”

— Dave Barry

95. “Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, “Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby.” So I got a hobby. I make beer.”

— Dave Barry

96. “The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, “people without lives.” We don’t care. We have each other...”

— Dave Barry

97. “Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.”

— Dave Barry

98. “If Mozart had power tools, there’s no telling how great his music might have been.”

— Dave Barry

99. “The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.”

— Dave Barry

100. “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”

— Dave Barry