Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.”

— Dave Barry

352. “I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I’m a journalist, it’s my job. There’s been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn’t caught up yet.”

— Dave Barry

353. “Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.”

— Dave Barry

354. “When you say you don’t think we should have public schools, they can’t believe you mean that. You must mean that they should be smaller. But you can’t really mean no public schools.”

— Dave Barry

355. “You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a.”

— Dave Barry

356. “Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations – if you get my drift.”

— Dave Barry

357. “Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.”

— Dave Barry

358. “Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.”

— Dave Barry

359. “Rembrandt’s first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.”

— Dave Barry

360. “The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.”

— Dave Barry

361. “Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.”

— Dave Barry

362. “I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.”

— Dave Barry

363. “Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk.”

— Dave Barry

364. “A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.”

— Dave Barry

365. “Here’s a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.”

— Dave Barry

366. “There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.”

— Dave Barry

367. “Today’s toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say “your child.” MY child just wants to eat the toys.”

— Dave Barry

368. “England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.”

— Dave Barry

369. “No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.”

— Dave Barry

370. “To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.”

— Dave Barry

371. “We don’t shoot somebody soon, I’m gonna forget how.”

— Dave Barry

372. “Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron – cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.”

— Dave Barry

373. “The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.”

— Dave Barry

374. “Please try not to be such a wiener-head.”

— Dave Barry

375. “As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.”

— Dave Barry

376. “You should never pick up a newspaper when you’re feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.”

— Dave Barry

377. “My current computer, in addition to ‘DOS,’ has ‘Windows,’ which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS.”

— Dave Barry

378. “The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?”

— Dave Barry

379. “In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.”

— Dave Barry

380. “The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.”

— Dave Barry

381. “I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.”

— Dave Barry

382. “In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.”

— Dave Barry

383. “He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things.”

— Dave Barry

384. “Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.”

— Dave Barry

385. “The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.”

— Dave Barry

386. “The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.”

— Dave Barry

387. “Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.”

— Dave Barry

388. “Too many rocks in the mountains.”

— Dave Barry

389. “My son wouldn’t go get heroin. If he did or didn’t, it wouldn’t have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.”

— Dave Barry

390. “Someone was tapping on the window.”

— Dave Barry

391. “I’m afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys.”

— Dave Barry

392. “We’re deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.”

— Dave Barry

393. “I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.”

— Dave Barry

394. “The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.”

— Dave Barry

395. “Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.”

— Dave Barry

396. “I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I’ve ever known.”

— Dave Barry

397. “She goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.”

— Dave Barry

398. “The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.”

— Dave Barry

399. “The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.”

— Dave Barry

400. “In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.”

— Dave Barry