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Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2025 Update)
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Dave Barry Quote: “All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required”.”
Dave Barry Quote: “My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don’t have the vaguest idea what you’re doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you’re reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
Dave Barry Quote: “UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.”
Dave Barry Quote: “In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.”
Dave Barry Quote: “AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.”
Dave Barry Quote: “One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don’t even exist yet.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven’t had four beers.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something – which I assumed was the ball – had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully insightful, superbly crafted song of the soul that had me laughing and crying too.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.”
Dave Barry Quote: “If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Greyhound Bus Lines motto: “We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards.””
Dave Barry Quote: “If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Your friends love you anyway.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.”
Dave Barry Quote: “If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as ‘viruses,’ ‘worms,’ ‘Trojan horses’ and ‘licensed Microsoft software’ that can take over your computer and render it useless.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
Dave Barry Quote: “When I’m writing columns, it’s – all I’m thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don’t care where it goes.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
Dave Barry Quote: “If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.”
Dave Barry Quote: “He’s a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
Dave Barry Quote: “There’s only one way kids will wear helmets, and that’s if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing.”
Dave Barry Quote: “You have to be careful on the deck, because of the “hatches,” which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.”
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