Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2025 Update)
Page 5 of 10

201. “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

— Dave Barry

202. “All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required”.”

— Dave Barry

203. “My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don’t have the vaguest idea what you’re doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you’re reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.”

— Dave Barry

204. “The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”

— Dave Barry

205. “And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.”

— Dave Barry

206. “If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?”

— Dave Barry

207. “In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.”

— Dave Barry

208. “UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.”

— Dave Barry

209. “The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.”

— Dave Barry

210. “Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.”

— Dave Barry

211. “One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don’t even exist yet.”

— Dave Barry

212. “The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”

— Dave Barry

213. “Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”

— Dave Barry

214. “AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.”

— Dave Barry

215. “What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

— Dave Barry

216. “Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven’t had four beers.”

— Dave Barry

217. “I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something – which I assumed was the ball – had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.”

— Dave Barry

218. “Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.”

— Dave Barry

219. “Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully insightful, superbly crafted song of the soul that had me laughing and crying too.”

— Dave Barry

220. “The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.”

— Dave Barry

221. “The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.”

— Dave Barry

222. “If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.”

— Dave Barry

223. “If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”

— Dave Barry

224. “I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.”

— Dave Barry

225. “Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.”

— Dave Barry

226. “Greyhound Bus Lines motto: “We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards.””

— Dave Barry

227. “I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.”

— Dave Barry

228. “Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid.”

— Dave Barry

229. “Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.”

— Dave Barry

230. “Your friends love you anyway.”

— Dave Barry

231. “Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.”

— Dave Barry

232. “If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.”

— Dave Barry

233. “Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as ‘viruses,’ ‘worms,’ ‘Trojan horses’ and ‘licensed Microsoft software’ that can take over your computer and render it useless.”

— Dave Barry

234. “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”

— Dave Barry

235. “When I’m writing columns, it’s – all I’m thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don’t care where it goes.”

— Dave Barry

236. “On Valentine’s Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.”

— Dave Barry

237. “In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.”

— Dave Barry

238. “I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.”

— Dave Barry

239. “Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis.”

— Dave Barry

240. “I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care.”

— Dave Barry

241. “I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”

— Dave Barry

242. “If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.”

— Dave Barry

243. “Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.”

— Dave Barry

244. “He’s a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.”

— Dave Barry

245. “Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

— Dave Barry

246. “Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.”

— Dave Barry

247. “There’s only one way kids will wear helmets, and that’s if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.”

— Dave Barry

248. “The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing.”

— Dave Barry

249. “You have to be careful on the deck, because of the “hatches,” which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.”

— Dave Barry

250. “The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison Edison’s first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.”

— Dave Barry