Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Reporters aren’t stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody’s going to accept is that day’s hot news. They know how silly that is. But that’s what they do.”

— Dave Barry

252. “The letters in ‘Brace Beemer’ can be arranged to spell ‘Embrace Beer.’”

— Dave Barry

253. “Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.”

— Dave Barry

254. “Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.”

— Dave Barry

255. “It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”

— Dave Barry

256. “Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”

— Dave Barry

257. “He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.”

— Dave Barry

258. “In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.”

— Dave Barry

259. “My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.”

— Dave Barry

260. “A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.”

— Dave Barry

261. “Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

— Dave Barry

262. “If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.”

— Dave Barry

263. “It’s a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can’t go on your property?”

— Dave Barry

264. “There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.”

— Dave Barry

265. “Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.”

— Dave Barry

266. “Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.”

— Dave Barry

267. “And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.”

— Dave Barry

268. “There’s an old saying among scientific guys: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane.””

— Dave Barry

269. “You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings – even the truth.”

— Dave Barry

270. “The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying “Roman Ruins” and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar...”

— Dave Barry

271. “Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.”

— Dave Barry

272. “In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.”

— Dave Barry

273. “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”

— Dave Barry

274. “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

— Dave Barry

275. “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

— Dave Barry

276. “Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?”

— Dave Barry

277. “As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.”

— Dave Barry

278. “The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.”

— Dave Barry

279. “Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

— Dave Barry

280. “The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”

— Dave Barry

281. “The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they’re being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.”

— Dave Barry

282. “Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

— Dave Barry

283. “The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.”

— Dave Barry

284. “Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.”

— Dave Barry

285. “Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.”

— Dave Barry

286. “Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.”

— Dave Barry

287. “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

— Dave Barry

288. “A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.”

— Dave Barry

289. “The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.”

— Dave Barry

290. “Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.”

— Dave Barry

291. “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

— Dave Barry

292. “Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!”

— Dave Barry

293. “More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.”

— Dave Barry

294. “Technically, Windows is an “operating system,” which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.”

— Dave Barry

295. “Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”

— Dave Barry

296. “As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.”

— Dave Barry

297. “Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.”

— Dave Barry

298. “Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.”

— Dave Barry

299. “Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.”

— Dave Barry

300. “When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.”

— Dave Barry