Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.”

— Dave Barry

252. “There’s only one way kids will wear helmets, and that’s if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.”

— Dave Barry

253. “Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.”

— Dave Barry

254. “Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal.”

— Dave Barry

255. “The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison Edison’s first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.”

— Dave Barry

256. “You have to be careful on the deck, because of the “hatches,” which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.”

— Dave Barry

257. “All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.”

— Dave Barry

258. “Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.”

— Dave Barry

259. “My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.”

— Dave Barry

260. “Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music.”

— Dave Barry

261. “Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.”

— Dave Barry

262. “In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Country Quotes

263. “Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.”

— Dave Barry

264. “Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.”

— Dave Barry

265. “First, a few words about this title. It isn’t easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Reading Quotes

266. “RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That’s important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.”

— Dave Barry

267. “To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.”

— Dave Barry

268. “I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”

— Dave Barry

269. “Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.”

— Dave Barry

270. “We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.”

— Dave Barry

271. “The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”

— Dave Barry

272. “England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Country Quotes

273. “If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.”

— Dave Barry

274. “Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.”

— Dave Barry

275. “Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”

— Dave Barry

276. “It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”

— Dave Barry

277. “The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.”

— Dave Barry

278. “Technically, Windows is an “operating system,” which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.”

— Dave Barry

279. “Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.”

— Dave Barry

280. “The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying “Roman Ruins” and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar...”

— Dave Barry

281. “When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.”

— Dave Barry

282. “The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.”

— Dave Barry

283. “The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.”

— Dave Barry

284. “And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.”

— Dave Barry

285. “Reporters aren’t stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody’s going to accept is that day’s hot news. They know how silly that is. But that’s what they do.”

— Dave Barry

286. “Happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations...”

— Dave Barry

287. “I’ve never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.”

— Dave Barry

288. “A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.”

— Dave Barry

289. “Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as “Here, boy!””

— Dave Barry

290. “It’s a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can’t go on your property?”

— Dave Barry

291. “My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.”

— Dave Barry

292. “In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.”

— Dave Barry

293. “The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they’re being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.”

— Dave Barry

294. “When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, “There you go IRS bashing again.” They’re always saying that they’re just doing their job. Someone I know once said, “You could get another job.””

— Dave Barry

295. “Because of the level of my chess game, I was able – even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog – to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.”

— Dave Barry

296. “Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.”

— Dave Barry

297. “The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.”

— Dave Barry

298. “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

— Dave Barry

299. “Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

— Dave Barry

300. “You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings – even the truth.”

— Dave Barry