Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.”

— Dave Barry

252. “The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison Edison’s first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.”

— Dave Barry

253. “I’m not saying that women don’t think about sex also. I’m saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not.”

— Dave Barry

254. “Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.”

— Dave Barry

255. “Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.”

— Dave Barry

256. “A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.”

— Dave Barry

257. “Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.”

— Dave Barry

258. “Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.”

— Dave Barry

259. “We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.”

— Dave Barry

260. “RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That’s important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.”

— Dave Barry

261. “Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music.”

— Dave Barry

262. “My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.”

— Dave Barry

263. “All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.”

— Dave Barry

264. “In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.”

— Dave Barry

265. “To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.”

— Dave Barry

266. “I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”

— Dave Barry

267. “First, a few words about this title. It isn’t easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.”

— Dave Barry

268. “Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.”

— Dave Barry

269. “If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.”

— Dave Barry

270. “Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”

— Dave Barry

271. “The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.”

— Dave Barry

272. “The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.”

— Dave Barry

273. “It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”

— Dave Barry

274. “Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as “Here, boy!””

— Dave Barry

275. “When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, “There you go IRS bashing again.” They’re always saying that they’re just doing their job. Someone I know once said, “You could get another job.””

— Dave Barry

276. “I’ve never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.”

— Dave Barry

277. “Reporters aren’t stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody’s going to accept is that day’s hot news. They know how silly that is. But that’s what they do.”

— Dave Barry

278. “In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.”

— Dave Barry

279. “Happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations...”

— Dave Barry

280. “The letters in ‘Brace Beemer’ can be arranged to spell ‘Embrace Beer.’”

— Dave Barry

281. “Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.”

— Dave Barry

282. “The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”

— Dave Barry

283. “And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.”

— Dave Barry

284. “The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying “Roman Ruins” and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar...”

— Dave Barry

285. “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”

— Dave Barry

286. “He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.”

— Dave Barry

287. “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

— Dave Barry

288. “My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.”

— Dave Barry

289. “A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.”

— Dave Barry

290. “It’s a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can’t go on your property?”

— Dave Barry

291. “Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

— Dave Barry

292. “Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

— Dave Barry

293. “Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.”

— Dave Barry

294. “In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.”

— Dave Barry

295. “Technically, Windows is an “operating system,” which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.”

— Dave Barry

296. “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

— Dave Barry

297. “As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.”

— Dave Barry

298. “Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?”

— Dave Barry

299. “When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.”

— Dave Barry

300. “He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.”

— Dave Barry