Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.”

— Dave Barry

302. “Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.”

— Dave Barry

303. “Never have a dog. Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.”

— Dave Barry

304. “The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.”

— Dave Barry

305. “The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.”

— Dave Barry

306. “2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.”

— Dave Barry

307. “My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”

— Dave Barry

308. “The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.”

— Dave Barry

309. “Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

— Dave Barry

310. “I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

— Dave Barry

311. “I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security.”

— Dave Barry

312. “Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called “Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You.””

— Dave Barry

313. “I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn’t know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

— Dave Barry

314. “Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.”

— Dave Barry

315. “What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.”

— Dave Barry

316. “I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.”

— Dave Barry

317. “Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.”

— Dave Barry

318. “She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.”

— Dave Barry

319. “Because of the level of my chess game, I was able – even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog – to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.”

— Dave Barry

320. “It is a good idea to ‘shop around’ before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.”

— Dave Barry

321. “He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.”

— Dave Barry

322. “Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you’re told.”

— Dave Barry

323. “The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people’s lives.”

— Dave Barry

324. “I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.”

— Dave Barry

325. “If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any “spare” change.”

— Dave Barry

326. “The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.”

— Dave Barry

327. “The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.”

— Dave Barry

328. “Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?”

— Dave Barry

329. “Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.”

— Dave Barry

330. “I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.”

— Dave Barry

331. “Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.”

— Dave Barry

332. “The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.”

— Dave Barry

333. “I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.”

— Dave Barry

334. “Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D’Amato.”

— Dave Barry

335. “I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.”

— Dave Barry

336. “Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.”

— Dave Barry

337. “I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.”

— Dave Barry

338. “Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer...”

— Dave Barry

339. “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”

— Dave Barry

340. “After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.”

— Dave Barry

341. “People – just weird people are attracted to Miami. And they come there not for serious reasons, usually.”

— Dave Barry

342. “Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.”

— Dave Barry

343. “I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.”

— Dave Barry

344. “European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.”

— Dave Barry

345. “It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.”

— Dave Barry

346. “The average tax payer is not a big voluntary supporter of the arts. The only art that the average taxpayer buys voluntarily either has a picture of Bart Simpson on it or little suction cups on its feet so you can stick it onto a car window.”

— Dave Barry

347. “I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.”

— Dave Barry

348. “Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.”

— Dave Barry

349. “This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.”

— Dave Barry

350. “Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?”

— Dave Barry