Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.”

— Dave Barry

302. “You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.”

— Dave Barry

303. “Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.”

— Dave Barry

304. “Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

— Dave Barry

305. “I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn’t know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

— Dave Barry

306. “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”

— Dave Barry

307. “Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.”

— Dave Barry

308. “2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.”

— Dave Barry

309. “He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.”

— Dave Barry

310. “Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!”

— Dave Barry

311. “The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.”

— Dave Barry

312. “Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.”

— Dave Barry

313. “Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.”

— Dave Barry

314. “Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you’re told.”

— Dave Barry

315. “As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.”

— Dave Barry

316. “Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?”

— Dave Barry

317. “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

— Dave Barry

318. “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

— Dave Barry

319. “Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

— Dave Barry

320. “In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.”

— Dave Barry

321. “I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

— Dave Barry

322. “Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.”

— Dave Barry

323. “As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.”

— Dave Barry

324. “My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”

— Dave Barry

325. “Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”

— Dave Barry

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326. “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

— Dave Barry

327. “Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called “Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You.””

— Dave Barry

328. “Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.”

— Dave Barry

329. “Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.”

— Dave Barry

330. “The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.”

— Dave Barry

331. “You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a.”

— Dave Barry

332. “Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

— Dave Barry

333. “Never have a dog. Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.”

— Dave Barry

334. “More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.”

— Dave Barry

335. “Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.”

— Dave Barry

336. “After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.”

— Dave Barry

337. “I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.”

— Dave Barry

338. “Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.”

— Dave Barry

339. “Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.”

— Dave Barry

340. “Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.”

— Dave Barry

341. “I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I’m a journalist, it’s my job. There’s been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn’t caught up yet.”

— Dave Barry

342. “She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.”

— Dave Barry

343. “If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any “spare” change.”

— Dave Barry

344. “I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.”

— Dave Barry

345. “As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.”

— Dave Barry

346. “Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer...”

— Dave Barry

347. “Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.”

— Dave Barry

348. “The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.”

— Dave Barry

349. “What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.”

— Dave Barry

350. “The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people’s lives.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Country Quotes