Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.”

— Dave Barry

302. “You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings – even the truth.”

— Dave Barry

303. “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

— Dave Barry

304. “In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.”

— Dave Barry

305. “Technically, Windows is an “operating system,” which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.”

— Dave Barry

306. “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

— Dave Barry

307. “Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?”

— Dave Barry

308. “As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.”

— Dave Barry

309. “When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.”

— Dave Barry

310. “You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.”

— Dave Barry

311. “Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you’re told.”

— Dave Barry

312. “Never have a dog. Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.”

— Dave Barry

313. “My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”

— Dave Barry

314. “Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

— Dave Barry

315. “Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.”

— Dave Barry

316. “Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.”

— Dave Barry

317. “Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.”

— Dave Barry

318. “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

— Dave Barry

319. “The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.”

— Dave Barry

320. “Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!”

— Dave Barry

321. “I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn’t know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

— Dave Barry

322. “More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.”

— Dave Barry

323. “Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”

— Dave Barry

324. “As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.”

— Dave Barry

325. “Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.”

— Dave Barry

326. “Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.”

— Dave Barry

327. “Because of the level of my chess game, I was able – even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog – to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.”

— Dave Barry

328. “Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.”

— Dave Barry

329. “The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people’s lives.”

— Dave Barry

330. “I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.”

— Dave Barry

331. “If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any “spare” change.”

— Dave Barry

332. “I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

— Dave Barry

333. “Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called “Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You.””

— Dave Barry

334. “Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.”

— Dave Barry

335. “England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.”

— Dave Barry

336. “Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.”

— Dave Barry

337. “What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.”

— Dave Barry

338. “I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.”

— Dave Barry

339. “Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer...”

— Dave Barry

340. “Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.”

— Dave Barry

341. “I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I’m a journalist, it’s my job. There’s been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn’t caught up yet.”

— Dave Barry

342. “She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.”

— Dave Barry

343. “Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.”

— Dave Barry

344. “Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.”

— Dave Barry

345. “It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.”

— Dave Barry

346. “The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.”

— Dave Barry

347. “Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?”

— Dave Barry

348. “Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.”

— Dave Barry

349. “Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.”

— Dave Barry

350. “I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.”

— Dave Barry