Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

— Dave Barry

302. “Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

— Dave Barry

303. “The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.”

— Dave Barry

304. “Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.”

— Dave Barry

305. “You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings – even the truth.”

— Dave Barry

306. “He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.”

— Dave Barry

307. “You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.”

— Dave Barry

308. “As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.”

— Dave Barry

309. “Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

— Dave Barry

310. “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

— Dave Barry

311. “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

— Dave Barry

312. “Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

— Dave Barry

313. “In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.”

— Dave Barry

314. “Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.”

— Dave Barry

315. “Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.”

— Dave Barry

316. “2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.”

— Dave Barry

317. “He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.”

— Dave Barry

318. “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

— Dave Barry

319. “Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called “Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You.””

— Dave Barry

320. “I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.”

— Dave Barry

321. “Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!”

— Dave Barry

322. “Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.”

— Dave Barry

323. “Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you’re told.”

— Dave Barry

324. “The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.”

— Dave Barry

325. “You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a.”

— Dave Barry

326. “Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?”

— Dave Barry

327. “Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

— Dave Barry

328. “The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.”

— Dave Barry

329. “The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people’s lives.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Country Quotes

330. “Never have a dog. Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.”

— Dave Barry

331. “More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.”

— Dave Barry

332. “Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.”

— Dave Barry

333. “I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

— Dave Barry

334. “As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.”

— Dave Barry

335. “It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.”

— Dave Barry

336. “My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”

— Dave Barry

337. “My current computer, in addition to ‘DOS,’ has ‘Windows,’ which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS.”

— Dave Barry

338. “Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.”

— Dave Barry

339. “Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Reading Quotes

340. “Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.”

— Dave Barry

341. “Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.”

— Dave Barry

342. “I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I’m a journalist, it’s my job. There’s been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn’t caught up yet.”

— Dave Barry

343. “Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.”

— Dave Barry

344. “As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.”

— Dave Barry

345. “Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer...”

— Dave Barry

346. “What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.”

— Dave Barry

347. “The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.”

— Dave Barry

348. “Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations – if you get my drift.”

— Dave Barry

349. “After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.”

— Dave Barry

350. “I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.”

— Dave Barry