Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.”

— Dave Barry

302. “The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they’re being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.”

— Dave Barry

303. “Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

— Dave Barry

304. “The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.”

— Dave Barry

305. “2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.”

— Dave Barry

306. “The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.”

— Dave Barry

307. “The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.”

— Dave Barry

308. “You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings – even the truth.”

— Dave Barry

309. “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

— Dave Barry

310. “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

— Dave Barry

311. “The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.”

— Dave Barry

312. “Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!”

— Dave Barry

313. “I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn’t know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

— Dave Barry

314. “More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.”

— Dave Barry

315. “Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”

— Dave Barry

316. “As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.”

— Dave Barry

317. “Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.”

— Dave Barry

318. “Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.”

— Dave Barry

319. “Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.”

— Dave Barry

320. “You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.”

— Dave Barry

321. “Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you’re told.”

— Dave Barry

322. “Never have a dog. Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.”

— Dave Barry

323. “My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”

— Dave Barry

324. “Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

— Dave Barry

325. “Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.”

— Dave Barry

326. “Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.”

— Dave Barry

327. “Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.”

— Dave Barry

328. “Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.”

— Dave Barry

329. “Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.”

— Dave Barry

330. “England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.”

— Dave Barry

331. “I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.”

— Dave Barry

332. “What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.”

— Dave Barry

333. “Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer...”

— Dave Barry

334. “Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.”

— Dave Barry

335. “She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.”

— Dave Barry

336. “Because of the level of my chess game, I was able – even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog – to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.”

— Dave Barry

337. “Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.”

— Dave Barry

338. “Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.”

— Dave Barry

339. “The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people’s lives.”

— Dave Barry

340. “I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.”

— Dave Barry

341. “If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any “spare” change.”

— Dave Barry

342. “I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

— Dave Barry

343. “Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called “Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You.””

— Dave Barry

344. “I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.”

— Dave Barry

345. “Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.”

— Dave Barry

346. “Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.”

— Dave Barry

347. “Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D’Amato.”

— Dave Barry

348. “The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.”

— Dave Barry

349. “I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.”

— Dave Barry

350. “Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?”

— Dave Barry