Top 100

Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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Dave Barry Quote: “Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn’t his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I’m a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.”
Dave Barry Quote: “San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question...”
Dave Barry Quote: “Winter’s here, and you feel lousy: You’re coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms – so familiar at this time of year – can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.”
Dave Barry Quote: “In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”
Dave Barry Quote: “We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”
Dave Barry Quote: “We’re wild horses. We’re going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We’re protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!””
Dave Barry Quote: “The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.”
Dave Barry Quote: “As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?”
Dave Barry Quote: “The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
Dave Barry Quote: “We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I really try to think cinematically, because that’s how people read. They create a theater in their minds.”
Dave Barry Quote: “It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That’s why those old ships carried such large crews.”
Dave Barry Quote: “A secret society within a secret society.”
Dave Barry Quote: “See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.”
Dave Barry Quote: “As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power ’60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tenative agreements...”
Dave Barry Quote: “It may be meaningless, but at least it’s a gesture.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”
Dave Barry Quote: “If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.”
Dave Barry Quote: “For Dad, the perfect Father’s Day would be one in which he didn’t even realize that it was Father’s Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn’t want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father’s Day poetry.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.”
Dave Barry Quote: “You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.”
Dave Barry Quote: “There comes a time in a man’s life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.”
Dave Barry Quote: “I don’t have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it’s stupid – which is the one perspective that’s almost completely lacking in Washington.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat “what if?” questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, “being a humorist” gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.”
Dave Barry Quote: “Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”
Dave Barry Quote: “The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.”
Dave Barry Quote: “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.”
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