Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “What’s happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession – it has to be your perfect day.”

— Dave Barry

102. “When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was – prepare to be shocked – we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!”

— Dave Barry

103. “The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.”

— Dave Barry

104. “Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, “Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby.” So I got a hobby. I make beer.”

— Dave Barry

105. “The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, “people without lives.” We don’t care. We have each other...”

— Dave Barry

106. “Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.”

— Dave Barry

107. “When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.”

— Dave Barry

108. “The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.”

— Dave Barry

109. “If Mozart had power tools, there’s no telling how great his music might have been.”

— Dave Barry

110. “Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

— Dave Barry

111. “Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn’t his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.”

— Dave Barry

112. “Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.”

— Dave Barry

113. “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”

— Dave Barry

114. “The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.”

— Dave Barry

115. “A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.”

— Dave Barry

116. “Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.””

— Dave Barry

117. “Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.”

— Dave Barry

118. “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

— Dave Barry

119. “I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security.”

— Dave Barry

120. “I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.”

— Dave Barry

121. “Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

— Dave Barry

122. “I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.”

— Dave Barry

123. “European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.”

— Dave Barry

124. “I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.”

— Dave Barry

125. “The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.”

— Dave Barry

126. “Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.”

— Dave Barry

127. “I’m a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.”

— Dave Barry

128. “Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.”

— Dave Barry

129. “You can put suspenders on a salamander, but it still won’t make waffles. See what I mean? That sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I got paid to write it. It’s printed right here in a published book!”

— Dave Barry

130. “This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.”

— Dave Barry

131. “San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.”

— Dave Barry

132. “The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”

— Dave Barry

133. “Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the “patty” group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.”

— Dave Barry

134. “Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.”

— Dave Barry

135. “In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess.”

— Dave Barry

136. “I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question...”

— Dave Barry

137. “The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.”

— Dave Barry

138. “In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.”

— Dave Barry

139. “The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.”

— Dave Barry

140. “Winter’s here, and you feel lousy: You’re coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms – so familiar at this time of year – can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.”

— Dave Barry

141. “Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.”

— Dave Barry

142. “Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.”

— Dave Barry

143. “Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”

— Dave Barry

144. “Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.”

— Dave Barry

145. “The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.”

— Dave Barry

146. “If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.”

— Dave Barry

147. “There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.”

— Dave Barry

148. “There’s an old saying among scientific guys: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane.””

— Dave Barry

149. “Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”

— Dave Barry

150. “We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”

— Dave Barry