Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”

— Dave Barry

152. “We’re wild horses. We’re going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We’re protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.”

— Dave Barry

153. “The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.”

— Dave Barry

154. “I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.”

— Dave Barry

155. “The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.”

— Dave Barry

156. “Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.”

— Dave Barry

157. “The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”

— Dave Barry

158. “It is a good idea to ‘shop around’ before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.”

— Dave Barry

159. “I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.”

— Dave Barry

160. “We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.”

— Dave Barry

161. “Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?”

— Dave Barry

162. “It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That’s why those old ships carried such large crews.”

— Dave Barry

163. “Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.”

— Dave Barry

164. “I really try to think cinematically, because that’s how people read. They create a theater in their minds.”

— Dave Barry

165. “There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.”

— Dave Barry

166. “A secret society within a secret society.”

— Dave Barry

167. “See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”

— Dave Barry

168. “I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.”

— Dave Barry

169. “As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.”

— Dave Barry

170. “Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.”

— Dave Barry

171. “There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.”

— Dave Barry

172. “The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”

— Dave Barry

173. “Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.”

— Dave Barry

174. “I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power ’60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.”

— Dave Barry

175. “Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish.”

— Dave Barry

176. “Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tenative agreements...”

— Dave Barry

177. “It may be meaningless, but at least it’s a gesture.”

— Dave Barry

178. “Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.”

— Dave Barry

179. “The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”

— Dave Barry

180. “If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.”

— Dave Barry

181. “Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.”

— Dave Barry

182. “For Dad, the perfect Father’s Day would be one in which he didn’t even realize that it was Father’s Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn’t want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father’s Day poetry.”

— Dave Barry

183. “The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.”

— Dave Barry

184. “You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.”

— Dave Barry

185. “Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time.”

— Dave Barry

186. “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.”

— Dave Barry

187. “I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.”

— Dave Barry

188. “I don’t have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it’s stupid – which is the one perspective that’s almost completely lacking in Washington.”

— Dave Barry

189. “Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.”

— Dave Barry

190. “Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat “what if?” questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.”

— Dave Barry

191. “Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.”

— Dave Barry

192. “The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.”

— Dave Barry

193. “Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, “being a humorist” gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.”

— Dave Barry

194. “The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.”

— Dave Barry

195. “Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.”

— Dave Barry

196. “The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.”

— Dave Barry

197. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.”

— Dave Barry

198. “Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.”

— Dave Barry

199. “What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

— Dave Barry

200. “By today’s beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.”

— Dave Barry