Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.”

— Dave Barry

152. “Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.”

— Dave Barry

153. “My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don’t have the vaguest idea what you’re doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you’re reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.”

— Dave Barry

154. “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

— Dave Barry

155. “The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.”

— Dave Barry

156. “The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”

— Dave Barry

157. “All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required”.”

— Dave Barry

158. “What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

— Dave Barry

159. “By today’s beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.”

— Dave Barry

160. “And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.”

— Dave Barry

161. “The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.”

— Dave Barry

162. “In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.”

— Dave Barry

163. “UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.”

— Dave Barry

164. “If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?”

— Dave Barry

165. “Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”

— Dave Barry

166. “One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don’t even exist yet.”

— Dave Barry

167. “What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

— Dave Barry

168. “Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.”

— Dave Barry

169. “Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully insightful, superbly crafted song of the soul that had me laughing and crying too.”

— Dave Barry

170. “Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.”

— Dave Barry

171. “The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”

— Dave Barry

172. “The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.”

— Dave Barry

173. “If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.”

— Dave Barry

174. “AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.”

— Dave Barry

175. “The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.”

— Dave Barry

176. “Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.”

— Dave Barry

177. “I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something – which I assumed was the ball – had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.”

— Dave Barry

178. “I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.”

— Dave Barry

179. “Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.”

— Dave Barry

180. “Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven’t had four beers.”

— Dave Barry

181. “Greyhound Bus Lines motto: “We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards.””

— Dave Barry

182. “When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was – prepare to be shocked – we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!”

— Dave Barry

183. “I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.”

— Dave Barry

184. “Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.”

— Dave Barry

185. “Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid.”

— Dave Barry

186. “Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.”

— Dave Barry

187. “The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.”

— Dave Barry

188. “Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.”

— Dave Barry

189. “If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.”

— Dave Barry

190. “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”

— Dave Barry

191. “When I’m writing columns, it’s – all I’m thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don’t care where it goes.”

— Dave Barry

192. “On Valentine’s Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.”

— Dave Barry

193. “I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.”

— Dave Barry

194. “Your friends love you anyway.”

— Dave Barry

195. “Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

— Dave Barry

196. “If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”

— Dave Barry

197. “In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.”

— Dave Barry

198. “Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis.”

— Dave Barry

199. “Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as ‘viruses,’ ‘worms,’ ‘Trojan horses’ and ‘licensed Microsoft software’ that can take over your computer and render it useless.”

— Dave Barry

200. “When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.”

— Dave Barry