Top 500 Dave Barry Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”

— Dave Barry

2. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Humor Quotes

3. “A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Kindness Quotes

4. “It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.”

— Dave Barry

5. “There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.”

— Dave Barry

6. “Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.”

— Dave Barry

7. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.”

— Dave Barry

8. “Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.”

— Dave Barry

9. “Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.”

— Dave Barry

10. “Murphy’s golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.”

— Dave Barry

11. “I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Respect Quotes

12. “It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Coffee Quotes

13. “As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.”

— Dave Barry

14. “People in the computer industry use the term ‘user,’ which to them means ‘idiot.’”

— Dave Barry

15. “What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.”

— Dave Barry

16. “There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.”

— Dave Barry

17. “And that’s the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.”

— Dave Barry

18. “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.”

— Dave Barry

Featured in: Country Quotes

19. “Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.”

— Dave Barry

20. “Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.”

— Dave Barry

21. “You should not confuse your career with your life.”

— Dave Barry

22. “You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”

— Dave Barry

23. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”

— Dave Barry

24. “The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.”

— Dave Barry

25. “It is a well- known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.”

— Dave Barry

26. “Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.”

— Dave Barry

27. “Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.”

— Dave Barry

28. “Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.”

— Dave Barry

29. “For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.”

— Dave Barry

30. “You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.”

— Dave Barry

31. “The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.”

— Dave Barry

32. “Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time.”

— Dave Barry

33. “Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline.”

— Dave Barry

34. “Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages.”

— Dave Barry

35. “The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”

— Dave Barry

36. “Never lick a steak knife.”

— Dave Barry

37. “Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.”

— Dave Barry

38. “It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.”

— Dave Barry

39. “I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let’s All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.”

— Dave Barry

40. “The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”

— Dave Barry

41. “When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.”

— Dave Barry

42. “As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.”

— Dave Barry

43. “Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.”

— Dave Barry

44. “Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”

— Dave Barry

45. “You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.”

— Dave Barry

46. “Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you’re trying to save money for when you split up your property.”

— Dave Barry

47. “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

— Dave Barry

48. “Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.”

— Dave Barry

49. “Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.”

— Dave Barry

50. “I can snap your spine like a toothpick.”

— Dave Barry