Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

— George Carlin

102. “If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.”

— George Carlin

103. “We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

— George Carlin

104. “Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”

— George Carlin

105. “When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

— George Carlin

106. “Life is a near-death experience.”

— George Carlin

107. “We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.”

— George Carlin

108. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

— George Carlin

109. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

— George Carlin

110. “If you you think there is a solution, you’re part of the problem.”

— George Carlin

111. “If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can’t lift it?”

— George Carlin

112. “The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.”

— George Carlin

113. “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”

— George Carlin

114. “Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”

— George Carlin

115. “I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.”

— George Carlin

116. “Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.”

— George Carlin

117. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.”

— George Carlin

118. “And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

— George Carlin

119. “If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

— George Carlin

120. “Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”

— George Carlin

121. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”

— George Carlin

122. “I love people as I meet them one by one. People are just wonderful as individuals. You see the whole universe in their eyes if you look carefully. But as soon as they begin to group, as soon as they begin to clot, when there are five of them or ten or even groups of smallest two, they begin to change, they sacrifice the beauty of the individual for the sake of the group.”

— George Carlin

123. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?”

— George Carlin

124. “Life is tough, then you die.”

— George Carlin

125. “If this is the best God can do, I’m not impressed.”

— George Carlin

126. “Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”

— George Carlin

127. “There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!”

— George Carlin

128. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

— George Carlin

129. “The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: “Gimme that! It’s mine!””

— George Carlin

130. “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

— George Carlin

131. “Let’s not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.”

— George Carlin

132. “The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.”

— George Carlin

133. “The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.”

— George Carlin

134. “We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.”

— George Carlin

135. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

— George Carlin

136. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”

— George Carlin

137. “Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”

— George Carlin

138. “Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We’re not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.”

— George Carlin

139. “Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.”

— George Carlin

140. “So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.”

— George Carlin

141. “Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.”

— George Carlin

142. “There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”

— George Carlin

143. “Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick.”

— George Carlin

144. “No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”

— George Carlin

145. “We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.”

— George Carlin

146. “I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!”

— George Carlin

147. “Israeli murderers are called “commandos,” Arab commandos are called “terrorists.””

— George Carlin

148. “More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.”

— George Carlin

149. “Hard work is for people short on talent.”

— George Carlin

150. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”

— George Carlin