Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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451. “I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.”

— George Carlin

452. “Jesus was a cross-dresser.”

— George Carlin

453. “I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she’s laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.”

— George Carlin

454. “I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or “Jesus, can you Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.”

— George Carlin

455. “I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.”

— George Carlin

456. “In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.”

— George Carlin

457. “Running isn’t a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?”

— George Carlin

458. “You can’t be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you’re not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.”

— George Carlin

459. “So I live in Los Angeles, and it’s kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.”

— George Carlin

460. “In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.”

— George Carlin

461. “So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.”

— George Carlin

462. “I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.”

— George Carlin

463. “When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

— George Carlin

464. “E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.”

— George Carlin

465. “Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.”

— George Carlin

466. “All music is the blues. All of it.”

— George Carlin

467. “I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I’m free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.”

— George Carlin

468. “And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.”

— George Carlin

469. “One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

— George Carlin

470. “I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.”

— George Carlin

471. “Personally, emotionally, I’d rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.”

— George Carlin

472. “I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.”

— George Carlin

473. “Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, ‘A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.’ The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

— George Carlin

474. “Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It’s surprise that makes the joke.”

— George Carlin

475. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

— George Carlin

476. “Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.”

— George Carlin

477. “Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.”

— George Carlin

478. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”

— George Carlin

479. “You never see a smiling runner.”

— George Carlin

480. “If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?”

— George Carlin

481. “In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.”

— George Carlin

482. “I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don’t know that I like that either.”

— George Carlin

483. “Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.”

— George Carlin

484. “Christian Deodorant: “Thou Shalt Not Smell””

— George Carlin

485. “In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.”

— George Carlin

486. “I’m not collegial, I don’t hang out. I’m soloist, I like my solitude, I don’t really hang around with comedians.”

— George Carlin

487. “Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it’s not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You’re collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.”

— George Carlin

488. “But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?”

— George Carlin

489. “I don’t vote. We’re led to believe we’re free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms.”

— George Carlin

490. “There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.”

— George Carlin

491. “The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.”

— George Carlin

492. “And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.”

— George Carlin

493. “When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”

— George Carlin

494. “Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

— George Carlin

495. “There’s some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.”

— George Carlin

496. “Where do we get our values from?”

— George Carlin

497. “Does killing time damage eternity?”

— George Carlin

498. “An art thief is a man who takes pictures.”

— George Carlin

499. “If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn’t that weird?”

— George Carlin

500. “God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.”

— George Carlin