Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.”

— George Carlin

152. “The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I’m a happy guy!”

— George Carlin

153. “If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.”

— George Carlin

154. “The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it.”

— George Carlin

155. “Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”

— George Carlin

156. “Israeli murderers are called “commandos,” Arab commandos are called “terrorists.””

— George Carlin

157. “Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.”

— George Carlin

158. “All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another.”

— George Carlin

159. “A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn’t that violate some law of physics?”

— George Carlin

160. “Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind – the ironic part is that it’s presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.”

— George Carlin

161. “Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.”

— George Carlin

162. “People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process.”

— George Carlin

163. “What wine goes with Captain Crunch?”

— George Carlin

164. “All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.”

— George Carlin

165. “The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.”

— George Carlin

166. “What was the best thing before sliced bread?”

— George Carlin

167. “Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.”

— George Carlin

168. “If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?”

— George Carlin

169. “There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”

— George Carlin

170. “The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.”

— George Carlin

171. “Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.”

— George Carlin

172. “I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s.”

— George Carlin

173. “Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.”

— George Carlin

174. “I’ve set my own rules to live by. The first one is: ‘Never believe ANYthing the government says.’”

— George Carlin

175. “What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!”

— George Carlin

176. “If people stand in a circle long enough, they’ll eventually begin to dance.”

— George Carlin

177. “One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

— George Carlin

178. “I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American – you know, you grow.”

— George Carlin

179. “They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!”

— George Carlin

180. “Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.”

— George Carlin

181. “When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.”

— George Carlin

182. “The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It’s not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.”

— George Carlin

183. “Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other’s minds, this would be a horror show.”

— George Carlin

184. “There’s this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.”

— George Carlin

185. “There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.”

— George Carlin

186. “I make fun of people who are religious, because they’re fundamentally weak.”

— George Carlin

187. “Sometimes a little brain damage can help.”

— George Carlin

188. “If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. – The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. – Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.”

— George Carlin

189. “Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.”

— George Carlin

190. “Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

— George Carlin

191. “Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can’t be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won’t be children anymore, so blow me!”

— George Carlin

192. “Voting is a meaningless exercise. I’m not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don’t. Everything is done to you in this country.”

— George Carlin

193. “I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.”

— George Carlin

194. “Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.”

— George Carlin

195. “If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?”

— George Carlin

196. “If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?”

— George Carlin

197. “History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.”

— George Carlin

198. “They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.”

— George Carlin

199. “It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.”

— George Carlin

200. “That’s the whole meaning of life, isn’t it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.”

— George Carlin