Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”

— George Carlin

152. “I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!”

— George Carlin

153. “Tits always look better in a pink sweater.”

— George Carlin

154. “Israeli murderers are called “commandos,” Arab commandos are called “terrorists.””

— George Carlin

155. “Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.”

— George Carlin

156. “Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind – the ironic part is that it’s presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.”

— George Carlin

157. “The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I’m a happy guy!”

— George Carlin

158. “This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Country Quotes

159. “The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it.”

— George Carlin

160. “The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.”

— George Carlin

161. “Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.”

— George Carlin

162. “I’ve set my own rules to live by. The first one is: ‘Never believe ANYthing the government says.’”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

163. “A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn’t that violate some law of physics?”

— George Carlin

164. “One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

— George Carlin

165. “Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.”

— George Carlin

166. “Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.”

— George Carlin

167. “All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.”

— George Carlin

168. “If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.”

— George Carlin

169. “There’s this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.”

— George Carlin

170. “What wine goes with Captain Crunch?”

— George Carlin

171. “The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.”

— George Carlin

172. “Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”

— George Carlin

173. “Voting is a meaningless exercise. I’m not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don’t. Everything is done to you in this country.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Country Quotes

174. “People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process.”

— George Carlin

175. “Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t.”

— George Carlin

176. “Language always gives you away.”

— George Carlin

177. “What was the best thing before sliced bread?”

— George Carlin

178. “Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.”

— George Carlin

179. “If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?”

— George Carlin

180. “There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”

— George Carlin

181. “Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

— George Carlin

182. “What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!”

— George Carlin

183. “If people stand in a circle long enough, they’ll eventually begin to dance.”

— George Carlin

184. “Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.”

— George Carlin

185. “Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.”

— George Carlin

186. “If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?”

— George Carlin

187. “Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.”

— George Carlin

188. “History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.”

— George Carlin

189. “I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American – you know, you grow.”

— George Carlin

190. “They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!”

— George Carlin

191. “When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.”

— George Carlin

192. “If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?”

— George Carlin

193. “I’m kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.”

— George Carlin

194. “The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It’s not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.”

— George Carlin

195. “That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.”

— George Carlin

196. “When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.”

— George Carlin

197. “Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other’s minds, this would be a horror show.”

— George Carlin

198. “I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it.”

— George Carlin

199. “He is dead now, but he meant well.”

— George Carlin

200. “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”

— George Carlin