Top 100

Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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George Carlin Quote: “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
George Carlin Quote: “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin Quote: “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
George Carlin Quote: “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
George Carlin Quote: “Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”
George Carlin Quote: “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”
George Carlin Quote: “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
George Carlin Quote: “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
George Carlin Quote: “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
George Carlin Quote: “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
George Carlin Quote: “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”
George Carlin Quote: “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
George Carlin Quote: “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.”
George Carlin Quote: “I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.”
George Carlin Quote: “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”
George Carlin Quote: “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
George Carlin Quote: “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
George Carlin Quote: “War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.”
George Carlin Quote: “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
George Carlin Quote: “My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.”
George Carlin Quote: “Surround yourself with what you love.”
George Carlin Quote: “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
George Carlin Quote: “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
George Carlin Quote: “The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
George Carlin Quote: “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
George Carlin Quote: “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”
George Carlin Quote: “Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”
George Carlin Quote: “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
George Carlin Quote: “If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.”
George Carlin Quote: “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”
George Carlin Quote: “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
George Carlin Quote: “Life is a series of dogs.”
George Carlin Quote: “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
George Carlin Quote: “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
George Carlin Quote: “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
George Carlin Quote: “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”
George Carlin Quote: “The status quo sucks.”
George Carlin Quote: “Electricity is really just organized lighting.”
George Carlin Quote: “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
George Carlin Quote: “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”
George Carlin Quote: “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”
George Carlin Quote: “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
George Carlin Quote: “Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!”
George Carlin Quote: “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
George Carlin Quote: “My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”
George Carlin Quote: “There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.”
George Carlin Quote: “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.”
George Carlin Quote: “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
George Carlin Quote: “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
George Carlin Quote: “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”
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