Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

— George Carlin

52. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

— George Carlin

53. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

— George Carlin

54. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

— George Carlin

55. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

— George Carlin

56. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

— George Carlin

57. “Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”

— George Carlin

58. “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”

— George Carlin

59. “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

— George Carlin

60. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

— George Carlin

61. “War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.”

— George Carlin

62. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”

— George Carlin

63. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

— George Carlin

64. “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.”

— George Carlin

65. “I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.”

— George Carlin

66. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

— George Carlin

67. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

— George Carlin

68. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

— George Carlin

69. “My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.”

— George Carlin

70. “The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

— George Carlin

71. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

— George Carlin

72. “Surround yourself with what you love.”

— George Carlin

73. “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

— George Carlin

74. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

— George Carlin

75. “Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”

— George Carlin

76. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

— George Carlin

77. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

— George Carlin

78. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”

— George Carlin

79. “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”

— George Carlin

80. “If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.”

— George Carlin

81. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

— George Carlin

82. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

— George Carlin

83. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

— George Carlin

84. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

— George Carlin

85. “Electricity is really just organized lighting.”

— George Carlin

86. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

— George Carlin

87. “There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.”

— George Carlin

88. “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”

— George Carlin

89. “The status quo sucks.”

— George Carlin

90. “Life is a series of dogs.”

— George Carlin

91. “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”

— George Carlin

92. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

— George Carlin

93. “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”

— George Carlin

94. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.”

— George Carlin

95. “Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!”

— George Carlin

96. “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

— George Carlin

97. “My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”

— George Carlin

98. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

— George Carlin

99. “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”

— George Carlin

100. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

— George Carlin