“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
— George Carlin
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
“Always do whatever’s next.”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
“It's never just a game when you're winning.”
“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”
“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”
“Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?”
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
“If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”
“Religion is just mind control.”
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
“Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.”
“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
“The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
“I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”
“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
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