Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Ignorance Quotes

2. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Famous Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Quotes About People

3. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Intelligence Quotes

4. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”

— George Carlin

5. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

— George Carlin

6. “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

7. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Office Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

8. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

9. “Always do whatever’s next.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Short Quotes, Taking Action Quotes, Moving Forward Quotes

10. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Quotes About People

11. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Monday Quotes

12. “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Hard Hitting Quotes, Individuality Quotes

13. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Witty Quotes

14. “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

15. “It's never just a game when you're winning.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes

16. “If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Wednesday Quotes

17. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

18. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes

19. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes

20. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Quotes About Reality, Funny Quotes About Life

21. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

22. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Moon Quotes

23. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Depressing Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes

24. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

25. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hard Hitting Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

26. “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Humor Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

27. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Silly Quotes, Humor Quotes

28. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”

— George Carlin

29. “Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hard Hitting Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Office Quotes

30. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

31. “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Environment Quotes

32. “If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”

— George Carlin

33. “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

34. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

35. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

36. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes

37. “Religion is just mind control.”

— George Carlin

38. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

— George Carlin

39. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

40. “If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Accountability Quotes, Common Sense Quotes, Democracy Quotes, Corruption Quotes

41. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

— George Carlin

42. “I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

43. “Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.”

— George Carlin

44. “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”

— George Carlin

45. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

— George Carlin

46. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

47. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Demotivational Quotes

48. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Demotivational Quotes, Funny Movie Quotes

49. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Hard Hitting Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

50. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

— George Carlin