Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2023 Update)

1. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

— George Carlin

2. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

— George Carlin

3. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

— George Carlin

4. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”

— George Carlin

5. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

— George Carlin

6. “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

— George Carlin

7. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

8. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

9. “Always do whatever’s next.”

— George Carlin

10. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

— George Carlin

11. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

12. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

— George Carlin

13. “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

— George Carlin

14. “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

— George Carlin

15. “It's never just a game when you're winning.”

— George Carlin

16. “If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

— George Carlin

17. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

— George Carlin

18. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

— George Carlin

19. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

— George Carlin

20. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

— George Carlin

21. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

— George Carlin

22. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Moon Quotes

23. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes

24. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

— George Carlin

25. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

— George Carlin

26. “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”

— George Carlin

27. “Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?”

— George Carlin

28. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Humor Quotes

29. “If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”

— George Carlin

30. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”

— George Carlin

31. “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.”

— George Carlin

32. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

— George Carlin

33. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

— George Carlin

34. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

— George Carlin

35. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

— George Carlin

36. “Religion is just mind control.”

— George Carlin

37. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

— George Carlin

38. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

— George Carlin

39. “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

40. “Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.”

— George Carlin

41. “I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”

— George Carlin

42. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

— George Carlin

43. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

— George Carlin

44. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

— George Carlin

45. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

— George Carlin

46. “If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Complaining Quotes

47. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

— George Carlin

48. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

— George Carlin

49. “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”

— George Carlin

50. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

— George Carlin