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George Carlin Quotes

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George Carlin Quote: “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

George Carlin Quote: “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

George Carlin Quote: “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

George Carlin Quote: “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

George Carlin Quote: “Everyone smiles in the same language.”

George Carlin Quote: “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

George Carlin Quote: “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

George Carlin Quote: “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

George Carlin Quote: “Always do whatever’s next.”

George Carlin Quote: “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

George Carlin Quote: “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

George Carlin Quote: “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

George Carlin Quote: “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George Carlin Quote: “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

George Carlin Quote: “If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

George Carlin Quote: “It's never just a game when you're winning.”

George Carlin Quote: “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

George Carlin Quote: “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

George Carlin Quote: “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

George Carlin Quote: “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

George Carlin Quote: “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”

George Carlin Quote: “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

George Carlin Quote: “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

George Carlin Quote: “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

George Carlin Quote: “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”

George Carlin Quote: “Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?”

George Carlin Quote: “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

George Carlin Quote: “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

George Carlin Quote: “If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”

George Carlin Quote: “Religion is just mind control.”

George Carlin Quote: “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

George Carlin Quote: “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

George Carlin Quote: “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

George Carlin Quote: “Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.”

George Carlin Quote: “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

George Carlin Quote: “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

George Carlin Quote: “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

George Carlin Quote: “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

George Carlin Quote: “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

George Carlin Quote: “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.”

George Carlin Quote: “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

George Carlin Quote: “I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”

George Carlin Quote: “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

George Carlin Quote: “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

George Carlin Quote: “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

George Carlin Quote: “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”

George Carlin Quote: “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

George Carlin Quote: “Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”

George Carlin Quote: “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

George Carlin Quote: “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

George Carlin Quote: “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”

George Carlin Quote: “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

George Carlin Quote: “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

George Carlin Quote: “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

George Carlin Quote: “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

George Carlin Quote: “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”

George Carlin Quote: “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

George Carlin Quote: “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

George Carlin Quote: “If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.”

George Carlin Quote: “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

George Carlin Quote: “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.”

George Carlin Quote: “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

George Carlin Quote: “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

George Carlin Quote: “I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.”

George Carlin Quote: “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

George Carlin Quote: “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”

George Carlin Quote: “Surround yourself with what you love.”

George Carlin Quote: “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

George Carlin Quote: “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”

George Carlin Quote: “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

George Carlin Quote: “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”

George Carlin Quote: “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

George Carlin Quote: “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

George Carlin Quote: “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”

George Carlin Quote: “Life is a series of dogs.”

George Carlin Quote: “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

George Carlin Quote: “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

George Carlin Quote: “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

George Carlin Quote: “My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”

George Carlin Quote: “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”

George Carlin Quote: “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

George Carlin Quote: “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”

George Carlin Quote: “The status quo sucks.”

George Carlin Quote: “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”

George Carlin Quote: “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

George Carlin Quote: “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

George Carlin Quote: “Electricity is really just organized lighting.”

George Carlin Quote: “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

George Carlin Quote: “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”

George Carlin Quote: “Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!”

George Carlin Quote: “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

George Carlin Quote: “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”

George Carlin Quote: “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

George Carlin Quote: “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

George Carlin Quote: “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”

George Carlin Quote: “And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

George Carlin Quote: “When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

George Carlin Quote: “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”

George Carlin Quote: “Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.”

George Carlin Quote: “There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!”

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