Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.”

— George Carlin

202. “If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?”

— George Carlin

203. “They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.”

— George Carlin

204. “That’s the whole meaning of life, isn’t it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.”

— George Carlin

205. “We created god in our own image and likeness!”

— George Carlin

206. “This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.”

— George Carlin

207. “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”

— George Carlin

208. “Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don’t ask for our money back.”

— George Carlin

209. “Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”

— George Carlin

210. “I’m kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.”

— George Carlin

211. “Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”? Do some people actually cook that stuff?”

— George Carlin

212. “Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.”

— George Carlin

213. “I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”

— George Carlin

214. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”

— George Carlin

215. “Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.”

— George Carlin

216. “One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.”

— George Carlin

217. “Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.”

— George Carlin

218. “If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.”

— George Carlin

219. “We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.”

— George Carlin

220. “Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?”

— George Carlin

221. “The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.”

— George Carlin

222. “I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.”

— George Carlin

223. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

— George Carlin

224. “A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.”

— George Carlin

225. “We are all precancerous.”

— George Carlin

226. “A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.”

— George Carlin

227. “I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.”

— George Carlin

228. “As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.”

— George Carlin

229. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”

— George Carlin

230. “Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.”

— George Carlin

231. “In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.”

— George Carlin

232. “One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.”

— George Carlin

233. “Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!”

— George Carlin

234. “If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?”

— George Carlin

235. “Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.”

— George Carlin

236. “And, of course, the funniest food: “kumquats”. I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

— George Carlin

237. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

— George Carlin

238. “If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!”

— George Carlin

239. “You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.”

— George Carlin

240. “Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.”

— George Carlin

241. “Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.”

— George Carlin

242. “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”

— George Carlin

243. “Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It’s true. Well, they don’t want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don’t want some guy go to hell and be sick.”

— George Carlin

244. “Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.”

— George Carlin

245. “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”

— George Carlin

246. “If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?”

— George Carlin

247. “Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.”

— George Carlin

248. “Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t.”

— George Carlin

249. “Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.”

— George Carlin

250. “Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.”

— George Carlin