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Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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George Carlin Quote: “They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.”
George Carlin Quote: “That’s the whole meaning of life, isn’t it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.”
George Carlin Quote: “We created god in our own image and likeness!”
George Carlin Quote: “This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.”
George Carlin Quote: “Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don’t ask for our money back.”
George Carlin Quote: “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”
George Carlin Quote: “Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”
George Carlin Quote: “I’m kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.”
George Carlin Quote: “That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.”
George Carlin Quote: “Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”? Do some people actually cook that stuff?”
George Carlin Quote: “Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.”
George Carlin Quote: “I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”
George Carlin Quote: “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”
George Carlin Quote: “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
George Carlin Quote: “Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.”
George Carlin Quote: “One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.”
George Carlin Quote: “Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.”
George Carlin Quote: “We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.”
George Carlin Quote: “If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.”
George Carlin Quote: “Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?”
George Carlin Quote: “The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.”
George Carlin Quote: “I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.”
George Carlin Quote: “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
George Carlin Quote: “A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.”
George Carlin Quote: “We are all precancerous.”
George Carlin Quote: “A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.”
George Carlin Quote: “I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.”
George Carlin Quote: “As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.”
George Carlin Quote: “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin Quote: “Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.”
George Carlin Quote: “In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.”
George Carlin Quote: “One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.”
George Carlin Quote: “Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!”
George Carlin Quote: “Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.”
George Carlin Quote: “If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?”
George Carlin Quote: “And, of course, the funniest food: “kumquats”. I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”
George Carlin Quote: “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
George Carlin Quote: “If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!”
George Carlin Quote: “You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.”
George Carlin Quote: “Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.”
George Carlin Quote: “Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.”
George Carlin Quote: “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”
George Carlin Quote: “Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It’s true. Well, they don’t want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don’t want some guy go to hell and be sick.”
George Carlin Quote: “Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.”
George Carlin Quote: “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
George Carlin Quote: “If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?”
George Carlin Quote: “Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.”
George Carlin Quote: “Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.”
George Carlin Quote: “Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.”
George Carlin Quote: “When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.”
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