Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “If someone loves you and they leave and don’t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.”

— George Carlin

352. “Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.”

— George Carlin

353. “If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.””

— George Carlin

354. “We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”

— George Carlin

355. “If a lobster didn’t look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.”

— George Carlin

356. “For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It’s a shame everything has to have a label.”

— George Carlin

357. “Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”

— George Carlin

358. “Movies and television don’t make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.”

— George Carlin

359. “Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.”

— George Carlin

360. “A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.”

— George Carlin

361. “Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.”

— George Carlin

362. “One of the first things they teach you in Driver’s Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put ‘em at ten o’clock and two o’ clock. Never mind that. I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I’m goin’.”

— George Carlin

363. “Leadership camp? Isn’t that where Hitler went?”

— George Carlin

364. “Don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything’s gonna be all right.”

— George Carlin

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365. “I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or “Jesus, can you Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.”

— George Carlin

366. “I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.”

— George Carlin

367. “You’re all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won’t happen when you’d like; generally, it’s an inconvenience.”

— George Carlin

369. “McDonald’s breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.”

— George Carlin

370. “Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away?”

— George Carlin

371. “Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it’s not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it’s still there?”

— George Carlin

372. “In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.”

— George Carlin

373. “The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

— George Carlin

374. “I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.”

— George Carlin

375. “The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

— George Carlin

376. “As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.”

— George Carlin

377. “I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.”

— George Carlin

378. “I’ve never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.”

— George Carlin

379. “You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

— George Carlin

380. “I don’t like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that’s their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.”

— George Carlin

381. “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard.”

— George Carlin

382. “She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”

— George Carlin

383. “Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.”

— George Carlin

384. “Think off center.”

— George Carlin

385. “Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?”

— George Carlin

386. “You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

— George Carlin

387. “I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.”

— George Carlin

388. “Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?”

— George Carlin

389. “Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.”

— George Carlin

390. “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

— George Carlin

391. “Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.”

— George Carlin

392. “Things I wonder about the FBI’s list of the “Ten Most Wanted” criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, “I made it, Bruno. I’m finally on the list”?”

— George Carlin

393. “The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.”

— George Carlin

394. “Most people are not particularly good at anything.”

— George Carlin

395. “The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.”

— George Carlin

396. “I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.”

— George Carlin

397. “All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.”

— George Carlin

398. “Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”

— George Carlin

399. “And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.”

— George Carlin

400. “I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.”

— George Carlin