Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 8 of 10

351. “Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it’s not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it’s still there?”

— George Carlin

352. “I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.”

— George Carlin

353. “You’re all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won’t happen when you’d like; generally, it’s an inconvenience.”

— George Carlin

354. “The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

— George Carlin

355. “I’ve never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.”

— George Carlin

356. “You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.”

— George Carlin

357. “As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.”

— George Carlin

358. “I don’t like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that’s their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.”

— George Carlin

359. “In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.”

— George Carlin

360. “Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.”

— George Carlin

361. “I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.”

— George Carlin

362. “You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

— George Carlin

363. “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

— George Carlin

364. “Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?”

— George Carlin

365. “You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

— George Carlin

366. “Think off center.”

— George Carlin

367. “Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?”

— George Carlin

368. “I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.”

— George Carlin

369. “The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.”

— George Carlin

370. “The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.”

— George Carlin

371. “Things I wonder about the FBI’s list of the “Ten Most Wanted” criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, “I made it, Bruno. I’m finally on the list”?”

— George Carlin

372. “Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.”

— George Carlin

373. “Most people are not particularly good at anything.”

— George Carlin

374. “Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.”

— George Carlin

375. “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard.”

— George Carlin

376. “Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?”

— George Carlin

377. “She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”

— George Carlin

378. “Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.”

— George Carlin

379. “I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn’t need school for what I wanted.”

— George Carlin

380. “All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.”

— George Carlin

381. “I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.”

— George Carlin

382. “Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it’s from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it’s shocking for them.”

— George Carlin

383. “A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn’t the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don’t these people communicate?”

— George Carlin

384. “People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.”

— George Carlin

385. “Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”

— George Carlin

386. “Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.”

— George Carlin

387. “Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.”

— George Carlin

388. “Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.”

— George Carlin

389. “My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.”

— George Carlin

390. “Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.”

— George Carlin

391. “The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.”

— George Carlin

392. “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.”

— George Carlin

393. “Sudden total weight loss.”

— George Carlin

394. “What year did Jesus think it was?”

— George Carlin

395. “Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.”

— George Carlin

396. “People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.”

— George Carlin

397. “Cancer research is a growth industry.”

— George Carlin

398. “To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.”

— George Carlin

399. “When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.”

— George Carlin

400. “Is there another word for synonym?”

— George Carlin