Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.”

— George Carlin

352. “Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.”

— George Carlin

353. “I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.”

— George Carlin

354. “A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.”

— George Carlin

355. “McDonald’s breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.”

— George Carlin

356. “Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away?”

— George Carlin

357. “You’re all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won’t happen when you’d like; generally, it’s an inconvenience.”

— George Carlin

358. “The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

— George Carlin

359. “Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it’s not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it’s still there?”

— George Carlin

360. “The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

— George Carlin

361. “I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.”

— George Carlin

362. “I’ve never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.”

— George Carlin

363. “As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.”

— George Carlin

364. “In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.”

— George Carlin

365. “I don’t like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that’s their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.”

— George Carlin

366. “I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.”

— George Carlin

367. “You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

— George Carlin

368. “You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

— George Carlin

369. “Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.”

— George Carlin

370. “Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?”

— George Carlin

371. “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard.”

— George Carlin

372. “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

— George Carlin

373. “Think off center.”

— George Carlin

374. “She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”

— George Carlin

375. “Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?”

— George Carlin

376. “The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.”

— George Carlin

377. “Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.”

— George Carlin

378. “I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.”

— George Carlin

379. “The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.”

— George Carlin

380. “Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.”

— George Carlin

381. “Things I wonder about the FBI’s list of the “Ten Most Wanted” criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, “I made it, Bruno. I’m finally on the list”?”

— George Carlin

382. “Most people are not particularly good at anything.”

— George Carlin

383. “Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?”

— George Carlin

384. “Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.”

— George Carlin

385. “All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.”

— George Carlin

386. “Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”

— George Carlin

387. “I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.”

— George Carlin

388. “I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn’t need school for what I wanted.”

— George Carlin

389. “A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn’t the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don’t these people communicate?”

— George Carlin

390. “Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it’s from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it’s shocking for them.”

— George Carlin

391. “Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.”

— George Carlin

392. “People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.”

— George Carlin

393. “Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.”

— George Carlin

394. “Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.”

— George Carlin

395. “The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.”

— George Carlin

396. “Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.”

— George Carlin

397. “My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.”

— George Carlin

398. “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.”

— George Carlin

399. “Sudden total weight loss.”

— George Carlin

400. “Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.”

— George Carlin