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Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2025 Update)
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George Carlin Quote: “What year did Jesus think it was?”
George Carlin Quote: “When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.”
George Carlin Quote: “People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.”
George Carlin Quote: “Cancer research is a growth industry.”
George Carlin Quote: “To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.”
George Carlin Quote: “Is there another word for synonym?”
George Carlin Quote: “With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”
George Carlin Quote: “I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”
George Carlin Quote: “Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?”
George Carlin Quote: “Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.”
George Carlin Quote: “I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.”
George Carlin Quote: “I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.”
George Carlin Quote: “The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.”
George Carlin Quote: “The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.”
George Carlin Quote: “The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision.”
George Carlin Quote: “Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.”
George Carlin Quote: “I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.”
George Carlin Quote: “Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.”
George Carlin Quote: “I’m sure Hitler was great with his family.”
George Carlin Quote: “There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”
George Carlin Quote: “I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”
George Carlin Quote: “When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.”
George Carlin Quote: “When I first heard the song Don’t worry – be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.”
George Carlin Quote: “I really haven’t seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.”
George Carlin Quote: “Why do ‘slow down’ and ‘slow up’ mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?”
George Carlin Quote: “Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.”
George Carlin Quote: “The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.”
George Carlin Quote: “Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.”
George Carlin Quote: “The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”
George Carlin Quote: “I believe you can joke about anything.”
George Carlin Quote: “They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative... but don’t go outside the lines.”
George Carlin Quote: “If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.””
George Carlin Quote: “I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”
George Carlin Quote: “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
George Carlin Quote: “Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I’m not saying I’m better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.”
George Carlin Quote: “There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I’m certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.”
George Carlin Quote: “O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.”
George Carlin Quote: “Life is not that complicated.”
George Carlin Quote: “I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.”
George Carlin Quote: “Leadership camp? Isn’t that where Hitler went?”
George Carlin Quote: “What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?”
George Carlin Quote: “Marry an orphan: you’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.”
George Carlin Quote: “When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.”
George Carlin Quote: “Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.”
George Carlin Quote: “I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only political office he’s ever held legally in this country. I don’t care where they hang his portrait, I don’t care how big his library is. To me, he’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”
George Carlin Quote: “Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts – it’s a vulgar art, it’s one of the people’s arts, it’s the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form – it’s certainly artistry.”
George Carlin Quote: “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”
George Carlin Quote: “I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or “Jesus, can you Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.”
George Carlin Quote: “On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.”
George Carlin Quote: “Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.”
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