Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “What year did Jesus think it was?”

— George Carlin

402. “When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.”

— George Carlin

403. “People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.”

— George Carlin

404. “Cancer research is a growth industry.”

— George Carlin

405. “To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.”

— George Carlin

406. “Is there another word for synonym?”

— George Carlin

407. “With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”

— George Carlin

408. “I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”

— George Carlin

409. “Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?”

— George Carlin

410. “Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.”

— George Carlin

411. “I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.”

— George Carlin

412. “I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.”

— George Carlin

413. “The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.”

— George Carlin

414. “The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.”

— George Carlin

415. “The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision.”

— George Carlin

416. “Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.”

— George Carlin

417. “I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.”

— George Carlin

418. “Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.”

— George Carlin

419. “I’m sure Hitler was great with his family.”

— George Carlin

420. “There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

— George Carlin

421. “I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

— George Carlin

422. “When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.”

— George Carlin

423. “Why do ‘slow down’ and ‘slow up’ mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?”

— George Carlin

424. “Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.”

— George Carlin

425. “The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.”

— George Carlin

426. “Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.”

— George Carlin

427. “The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”

— George Carlin

428. “I believe you can joke about anything.”

— George Carlin

429. “They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative... but don’t go outside the lines.”

— George Carlin

430. “If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.””

— George Carlin

431. “I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”

— George Carlin

432. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

— George Carlin

433. “Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I’m not saying I’m better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.”

— George Carlin

434. “There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I’m certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.”

— George Carlin

435. “O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.”

— George Carlin

436. “Life is not that complicated.”

— George Carlin

437. “Leadership camp? Isn’t that where Hitler went?”

— George Carlin

438. “I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.”

— George Carlin

439. “What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?”

— George Carlin

440. “Marry an orphan: you’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.”

— George Carlin

441. “When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.”

— George Carlin

442. “Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.”

— George Carlin

443. “I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only political office he’s ever held legally in this country. I don’t care where they hang his portrait, I don’t care how big his library is. To me, he’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”

— George Carlin

444. “Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts – it’s a vulgar art, it’s one of the people’s arts, it’s the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form – it’s certainly artistry.”

— George Carlin

445. “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”

— George Carlin

446. “On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.”

— George Carlin

447. “Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.”

— George Carlin

448. “Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!”

— George Carlin

449. “At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

— George Carlin

450. “I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.”

— George Carlin