Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

— George Carlin

402. “Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.”

— George Carlin

403. “I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn’t need school for what I wanted.”

— George Carlin

404. “I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.”

— George Carlin

405. “A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn’t the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don’t these people communicate?”

— George Carlin

406. “People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.”

— George Carlin

407. “Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it’s from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it’s shocking for them.”

— George Carlin

408. “Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.”

— George Carlin

409. “Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.”

— George Carlin

410. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

— George Carlin

411. “Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.”

— George Carlin

412. “The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.”

— George Carlin

413. “A person of good intelligence and sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality – and it’s not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing – it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.”

— George Carlin

414. “Sudden total weight loss.”

— George Carlin

415. “My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.”

— George Carlin

416. “Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.”

— George Carlin

417. “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.”

— George Carlin

418. “Does killing time damage eternity?”

— George Carlin

419. “When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.”

— George Carlin

420. “What year did Jesus think it was?”

— George Carlin

421. “With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”

— George Carlin

422. “Is there another word for synonym?”

— George Carlin

423. “Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.”

— George Carlin

424. “I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”

— George Carlin

425. “Cancer research is a growth industry.”

— George Carlin

426. “I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.”

— George Carlin

427. “There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Real Quotes

428. “Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?”

— George Carlin

429. “Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.”

— George Carlin

430. “I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.”

— George Carlin

431. “The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.”

— George Carlin

432. “The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.”

— George Carlin

433. “The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision.”

— George Carlin

434. “Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.”

— George Carlin

435. “There’s some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.”

— George Carlin

436. “I’m sure Hitler was great with his family.”

— George Carlin

437. “I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

— George Carlin

438. “I really haven’t seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.”

— George Carlin

439. “When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Country Quotes

440. “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

— George Carlin

441. “Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.”

— George Carlin

442. “Why do ‘slow down’ and ‘slow up’ mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?”

— George Carlin

443. “To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn’t need guidance from.”

— George Carlin

444. “The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.”

— George Carlin

445. “The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”

— George Carlin

446. “I believe you can joke about anything.”

— George Carlin

447. “They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative... but don’t go outside the lines.”

— George Carlin

448. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

— George Carlin

449. “I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”

— George Carlin

450. “There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I’m certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.”

— George Carlin