Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.”

— George Carlin

402. “What year did Jesus think it was?”

— George Carlin

403. “People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.”

— George Carlin

404. “Cancer research is a growth industry.”

— George Carlin

405. “To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.”

— George Carlin

406. “Is there another word for synonym?”

— George Carlin

407. “With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”

— George Carlin

408. “I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”

— George Carlin

409. “Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.”

— George Carlin

410. “I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.”

— George Carlin

411. “Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?”

— George Carlin

412. “I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.”

— George Carlin

413. “The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.”

— George Carlin

414. “The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.”

— George Carlin

415. “The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision.”

— George Carlin

416. “Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.”

— George Carlin

417. “I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.”

— George Carlin

418. “Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.”

— George Carlin

419. “I’m sure Hitler was great with his family.”

— George Carlin

420. “There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

— George Carlin

421. “I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

— George Carlin

422. “When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.”

— George Carlin

423. “Why do ‘slow down’ and ‘slow up’ mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?”

— George Carlin

424. “Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.”

— George Carlin

425. “The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.”

— George Carlin

426. “Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.”

— George Carlin

427. “The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”

— George Carlin

428. “I believe you can joke about anything.”

— George Carlin

429. “They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative... but don’t go outside the lines.”

— George Carlin

430. “If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.””

— George Carlin

431. “I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”

— George Carlin

432. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

— George Carlin

433. “Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I’m not saying I’m better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.”

— George Carlin

434. “There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I’m certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.”

— George Carlin

435. “O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.”

— George Carlin

436. “Life is not that complicated.”

— George Carlin

437. “Leadership camp? Isn’t that where Hitler went?”

— George Carlin

438. “I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.”

— George Carlin

439. “What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?”

— George Carlin

440. “Marry an orphan: you’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.”

— George Carlin

441. “When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.”

— George Carlin

442. “Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.”

— George Carlin

443. “I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only political office he’s ever held legally in this country. I don’t care where they hang his portrait, I don’t care how big his library is. To me, he’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”

— George Carlin

444. “Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts – it’s a vulgar art, it’s one of the people’s arts, it’s the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form – it’s certainly artistry.”

— George Carlin

445. “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”

— George Carlin

446. “On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.”

— George Carlin

447. “Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.”

— George Carlin

448. “Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!”

— George Carlin

449. “At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

— George Carlin

450. “A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn’t only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you’re burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it’s only a symbol. It’s only a piece of cloth.”

— George Carlin