Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “More people write poetry than read it.”

— George Carlin

302. “To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.”

— George Carlin

303. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”

— George Carlin

304. “People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.”

— George Carlin

305. “I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.”

— George Carlin

306. “Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?”

— George Carlin

307. “I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”

— George Carlin

308. “Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.”

— George Carlin

309. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”

— George Carlin

310. “Everything beeps now.”

— George Carlin

311. “Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?”

— George Carlin

312. “Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that’s our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.”

— George Carlin

313. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

— George Carlin

314. “Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.”

— George Carlin

315. “Hooray for most things!”

— George Carlin

316. “In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can’t say it the other way around.”

— George Carlin

317. “Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.”

— George Carlin

318. “What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I’m going to call the matrix of the mind. There’s just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.”

— George Carlin

319. “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

— George Carlin

320. “I don’t consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.”

— George Carlin

321. “What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

— George Carlin

322. “If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.”

— George Carlin

323. “To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.”

— George Carlin

324. “The things they don’t tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.”

— George Carlin

325. “People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.”

— George Carlin

326. “It’s a “keep your fingers crossed” business, the entertainment business.”

— George Carlin

327. “Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you’re not dead yet.”

— George Carlin

328. “I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.”

— George Carlin

329. “There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.”

— George Carlin

330. “The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.”

— George Carlin

331. “Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol.”

— George Carlin

332. “You know what I like about the American form of government? They’ve worked things out so that you’re never far from a 7-Eleven.”

— George Carlin

333. “I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.”

— George Carlin

334. “The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.”

— George Carlin

335. “When I first heard the song Don’t worry – be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.”

— George Carlin

336. “The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things – bad language and whatever – it’s all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.”

— George Carlin

337. “The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real – directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.”

— George Carlin

338. “Sometimes when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back.”

— George Carlin

339. “Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.”

— George Carlin

340. “Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: ‘I’m saving my life!’”

— George Carlin

341. “Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

— George Carlin

342. “The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.”

— George Carlin

343. “My tombstone? I’m thinking something along the lines of, ‘Geez, he was just here a minute ago.’”

— George Carlin

344. “The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.”

— George Carlin

345. “How do you write zero in Roman numerals?”

— George Carlin

346. “Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.””

— George Carlin

347. “Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.”

— George Carlin

348. “Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don’t mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn’t lead anywhere.”

— George Carlin

349. “Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.”

— George Carlin

350. “No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.”

— George Carlin