Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”

— George Carlin

302. “Everything beeps now.”

— George Carlin

303. “Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.”

— George Carlin

304. “Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that’s our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.”

— George Carlin

305. “In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can’t say it the other way around.”

— George Carlin

306. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

— George Carlin

307. “Hooray for most things!”

— George Carlin

308. “What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I’m going to call the matrix of the mind. There’s just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.”

— George Carlin

309. “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

— George Carlin

310. “I don’t consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.”

— George Carlin

311. “If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.”

— George Carlin

312. “What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

— George Carlin

313. “The things they don’t tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.”

— George Carlin

314. “Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you’re not dead yet.”

— George Carlin

315. “The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.”

— George Carlin

316. “It’s a “keep your fingers crossed” business, the entertainment business.”

— George Carlin

317. “If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.”

— George Carlin

318. “You know what I like about the American form of government? They’ve worked things out so that you’re never far from a 7-Eleven.”

— George Carlin

319. “Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol.”

— George Carlin

320. “The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.”

— George Carlin

321. “I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.”

— George Carlin

322. “President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.”

— George Carlin

323. “There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.”

— George Carlin

324. “I think it’s important to break taboos for the same reason it’s important to break laws and rules – because either you’re a slave to them, or you’re taking matters into your hands.”

— George Carlin

325. “The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real – directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.”

— George Carlin

326. “The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things – bad language and whatever – it’s all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.”

— George Carlin

327. “Sometimes when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back.”

— George Carlin

328. “Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.”

— George Carlin

329. “Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: ‘I’m saving my life!’”

— George Carlin

330. “Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

— George Carlin

331. “The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.”

— George Carlin

332. “My tombstone? I’m thinking something along the lines of, ‘Geez, he was just here a minute ago.’”

— George Carlin

333. “When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?”

— George Carlin

334. “The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.”

— George Carlin

335. “How do you write zero in Roman numerals?”

— George Carlin

336. “Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.”

— George Carlin

337. “Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don’t mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn’t lead anywhere.”

— George Carlin

338. “Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.”

— George Carlin

339. “Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.””

— George Carlin

340. “If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is ‘phonics’ not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

— George Carlin

341. “Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.”

— George Carlin

342. “If a lobster didn’t look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.”

— George Carlin

343. “No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.”

— George Carlin

344. “For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It’s a shame everything has to have a label.”

— George Carlin

345. “Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”

— George Carlin

346. “We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”

— George Carlin

347. “If someone loves you and they leave and don’t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.”

— George Carlin

348. “One of the first things they teach you in Driver’s Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put ‘em at ten o’clock and two o’ clock. Never mind that. I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I’m goin’.”

— George Carlin

349. “Don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything’s gonna be all right.”

— George Carlin

350. “Movies and television don’t make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.”

— George Carlin