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Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
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George Carlin Quote: “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”
George Carlin Quote: “Everything beeps now.”
George Carlin Quote: “Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.”
George Carlin Quote: “In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can’t say it the other way around.”
George Carlin Quote: “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
George Carlin Quote: “Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that’s our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.”
George Carlin Quote: “Hooray for most things!”
George Carlin Quote: “What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I’m going to call the matrix of the mind. There’s just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.”
George Carlin Quote: “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”
George Carlin Quote: “I don’t consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.”
George Carlin Quote: “If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.”
George Carlin Quote: “What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”
George Carlin Quote: “The things they don’t tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.”
George Carlin Quote: “Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you’re not dead yet.”
George Carlin Quote: “The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.”
George Carlin Quote: “It’s a “keep your fingers crossed” business, the entertainment business.”
George Carlin Quote: “If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.”
George Carlin Quote: “You know what I like about the American form of government? They’ve worked things out so that you’re never far from a 7-Eleven.”
George Carlin Quote: “Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol.”
George Carlin Quote: “The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.”
George Carlin Quote: “I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.”
George Carlin Quote: “President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.”
George Carlin Quote: “There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.”
George Carlin Quote: “I think it’s important to break taboos for the same reason it’s important to break laws and rules – because either you’re a slave to them, or you’re taking matters into your hands.”
George Carlin Quote: “The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real – directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.”
George Carlin Quote: “The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things – bad language and whatever – it’s all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.”
George Carlin Quote: “Sometimes when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back.”
George Carlin Quote: “Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.”
George Carlin Quote: “Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: ‘I’m saving my life!’”
George Carlin Quote: “Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”
George Carlin Quote: “The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.”
George Carlin Quote: “My tombstone? I’m thinking something along the lines of, ‘Geez, he was just here a minute ago.’”
George Carlin Quote: “When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?”
George Carlin Quote: “The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.”
George Carlin Quote: “How do you write zero in Roman numerals?”
George Carlin Quote: “Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.”
George Carlin Quote: “Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don’t mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn’t lead anywhere.”
George Carlin Quote: “Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.”
George Carlin Quote: “Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.””
George Carlin Quote: “If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is ‘phonics’ not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?”
George Carlin Quote: “If a lobster didn’t look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.”
George Carlin Quote: “Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.”
George Carlin Quote: “No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.”
George Carlin Quote: “For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It’s a shame everything has to have a label.”
George Carlin Quote: “Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”
George Carlin Quote: “We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”
George Carlin Quote: “One of the first things they teach you in Driver’s Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put ‘em at ten o’clock and two o’ clock. Never mind that. I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I’m goin’.”
George Carlin Quote: “Don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything’s gonna be all right.”
George Carlin Quote: “If someone loves you and they leave and don’t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.”
George Carlin Quote: “Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.”
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