Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”

— George Carlin

252. “If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?”

— George Carlin

253. “Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.”

— George Carlin

254. “Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.”

— George Carlin

255. “Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.”

— George Carlin

256. “No, there’s no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It’s certainly not a judgmental entity. It’s certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God.”

— George Carlin

257. “I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

— George Carlin

258. “Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.”

— George Carlin

259. “I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.”

— George Carlin

260. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Fun Quotes

261. “I have this real moron thing I do? It’s called thinking.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Real Quotes

262. “No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.”

— George Carlin

263. “We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.”

— George Carlin

264. “If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.”

— George Carlin

265. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...”

— George Carlin

266. “If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”

— George Carlin

267. “If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.”

— George Carlin

268. “I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

— George Carlin

269. “Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?”

— George Carlin

270. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

— George Carlin

271. “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”

— George Carlin

272. “People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?”

— George Carlin

273. “And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.”

— George Carlin

274. “President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.”

— George Carlin

275. “I think it’s important to break taboos for the same reason it’s important to break laws and rules – because either you’re a slave to them, or you’re taking matters into your hands.”

— George Carlin

276. “Rights aren’t really rights if someone can take them away.”

— George Carlin

277. “Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.”

— George Carlin

278. “Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.”

— George Carlin

279. “In Baltimore it’s 6:42!”

— George Carlin

280. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

— George Carlin

281. “When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?”

— George Carlin

282. “Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”

— George Carlin

283. “Mother’s milk leads to everything.”

— George Carlin

284. “If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.”

— George Carlin

285. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

— George Carlin

286. “Twat is twat and that is that.”

— George Carlin

287. “If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is ‘phonics’ not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

— George Carlin

288. “Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.”

— George Carlin

289. “As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.”

— George Carlin

290. “Life is not that complicated.”

— George Carlin

291. “When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”

— George Carlin

292. “Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.”

— George Carlin

293. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.”

— George Carlin

294. “You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.”

— George Carlin

Featured in: Country Quotes

295. “At 68 I’m every age I ever was. I always think of that. I’m not just 68. I’m also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.”

— George Carlin

296. “Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

— George Carlin

297. “Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.”

— George Carlin

298. “A pear is a failed apple.”

— George Carlin

299. “The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!”

— George Carlin

300. “If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”

— George Carlin