Top 100

Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2023 Update)
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George Carlin Quote: “If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”
George Carlin Quote: “I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”
George Carlin Quote: “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”
George Carlin Quote: “Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?”
George Carlin Quote: “People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?”
George Carlin Quote: “Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.”
George Carlin Quote: “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”
George Carlin Quote: “And, of course, the funniest food: “kumquats”. I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”
George Carlin Quote: “In Baltimore it’s 6:42!”
George Carlin Quote: “Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”
George Carlin Quote: “Mother’s milk leads to everything.”
George Carlin Quote: “Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.”
George Carlin Quote: “Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.”
George Carlin Quote: “You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.”
George Carlin Quote: “Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.”
George Carlin Quote: “Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.”
George Carlin Quote: “When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”
George Carlin Quote: “As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.”
George Carlin Quote: “Twat is twat and that is that.”
George Carlin Quote: “I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”
George Carlin Quote: “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.”
George Carlin Quote: “When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.”
George Carlin Quote: “Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.”
George Carlin Quote: “Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.”
George Carlin Quote: “If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”
George Carlin Quote: “More people write poetry than read it.”
George Carlin Quote: “Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”
George Carlin Quote: “If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.”
George Carlin Quote: “To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.”
George Carlin Quote: “The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!”
George Carlin Quote: “We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.”
George Carlin Quote: “People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.”
George Carlin Quote: “A pear is a failed apple.”
George Carlin Quote: “Language always gives you away.”
George Carlin Quote: “No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.”
George Carlin Quote: “I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.”
George Carlin Quote: “I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”
George Carlin Quote: “Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.”
George Carlin Quote: “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
George Carlin Quote: “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”
George Carlin Quote: “Everything beeps now.”
George Carlin Quote: “Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.”
George Carlin Quote: “In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can’t say it the other way around.”
George Carlin Quote: “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...”
George Carlin Quote: “Hooray for most things!”
George Carlin Quote: “Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that’s our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.”
George Carlin Quote: “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”
George Carlin Quote: “What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I’m going to call the matrix of the mind. There’s just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.”
George Carlin Quote: “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
George Carlin Quote: “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
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