Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.”

— George Carlin

252. “I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

— George Carlin

253. “I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it.”

— George Carlin

254. “No, there’s no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It’s certainly not a judgmental entity. It’s certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God.”

— George Carlin

255. “Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.”

— George Carlin

256. “I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.”

— George Carlin

257. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

— George Carlin

258. “I have this real moron thing I do? It’s called thinking.”

— George Carlin

259. “If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.”

— George Carlin

260. “We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.”

— George Carlin

261. “He is dead now, but he meant well.”

— George Carlin

262. “If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”

— George Carlin

263. “I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

— George Carlin

264. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

— George Carlin

265. “Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?”

— George Carlin

266. “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”

— George Carlin

267. “I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.”

— George Carlin

268. “People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?”

— George Carlin

269. “And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.”

— George Carlin

270. “Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.”

— George Carlin

271. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

— George Carlin

272. “In Baltimore it’s 6:42!”

— George Carlin

273. “Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”

— George Carlin

274. “If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.”

— George Carlin

275. “Mother’s milk leads to everything.”

— George Carlin

276. “Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.”

— George Carlin

277. “Twat is twat and that is that.”

— George Carlin

278. “Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.”

— George Carlin

279. “As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.”

— George Carlin

280. “When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”

— George Carlin

281. “Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.”

— George Carlin

282. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

— George Carlin

283. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.”

— George Carlin

284. “Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

— George Carlin

285. “Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.”

— George Carlin

286. “At 68 I’m every age I ever was. I always think of that. I’m not just 68. I’m also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.”

— George Carlin

287. “You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.”

— George Carlin

288. “The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!”

— George Carlin

289. “A pear is a failed apple.”

— George Carlin

290. “No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.”

— George Carlin

291. “If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”

— George Carlin

292. “More people write poetry than read it.”

— George Carlin

293. “To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.”

— George Carlin

294. “People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.”

— George Carlin

295. “I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.”

— George Carlin

296. “Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?”

— George Carlin

297. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”

— George Carlin

298. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...”

— George Carlin

299. “I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”

— George Carlin

300. “Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.”

— George Carlin