Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2023 Update)
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251. “If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”

— George Carlin

252. “I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

— George Carlin

253. “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”

— George Carlin

254. “Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?”

— George Carlin

255. “People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?”

— George Carlin

256. “Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.”

— George Carlin

257. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

— George Carlin

258. “And, of course, the funniest food: “kumquats”. I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

— George Carlin

259. “In Baltimore it’s 6:42!”

— George Carlin

260. “Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”

— George Carlin

261. “Mother’s milk leads to everything.”

— George Carlin

262. “Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.”

— George Carlin

263. “Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.”

— George Carlin

264. “You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.”

— George Carlin

265. “Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.”

— George Carlin

266. “Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.”

— George Carlin

267. “When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”

— George Carlin

268. “As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.”

— George Carlin

269. “Twat is twat and that is that.”

— George Carlin

270. “I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

— George Carlin

271. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.”

— George Carlin

272. “When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.”

— George Carlin

273. “Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.”

— George Carlin

274. “Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.”

— George Carlin

275. “If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”

— George Carlin

276. “More people write poetry than read it.”

— George Carlin

277. “Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

— George Carlin

278. “If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.”

— George Carlin

279. “To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.”

— George Carlin

280. “The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!”

— George Carlin

281. “We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.”

— George Carlin

282. “People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.”

— George Carlin

283. “A pear is a failed apple.”

— George Carlin

284. “Language always gives you away.”

— George Carlin

285. “No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.”

— George Carlin

286. “I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.”

— George Carlin

287. “I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”

— George Carlin

288. “Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.”

— George Carlin

289. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

— George Carlin

290. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”

— George Carlin

291. “Everything beeps now.”

— George Carlin

292. “Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.”

— George Carlin

293. “In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can’t say it the other way around.”

— George Carlin

294. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...”

— George Carlin

295. “Hooray for most things!”

— George Carlin

296. “Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that’s our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.”

— George Carlin

297. “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

— George Carlin

298. “What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I’m going to call the matrix of the mind. There’s just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.”

— George Carlin

299. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

— George Carlin

300. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

— George Carlin