Top 500 George Carlin Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 6 of 10

251. “When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.”

— George Carlin

252. “Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.”

— George Carlin

253. “I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.”

— George Carlin

254. “I have this real moron thing I do? It’s called thinking.”

— George Carlin

255. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

— George Carlin

256. “If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.”

— George Carlin

257. “We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.”

— George Carlin

258. “He is dead now, but he meant well.”

— George Carlin

259. “If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”

— George Carlin

260. “I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

— George Carlin

261. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

— George Carlin

262. “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”

— George Carlin

263. “I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.”

— George Carlin

264. “Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?”

— George Carlin

265. “People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?”

— George Carlin

266. “Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.”

— George Carlin

267. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

— George Carlin

268. “In Baltimore it’s 6:42!”

— George Carlin

269. “Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”

— George Carlin

270. “Mother’s milk leads to everything.”

— George Carlin

271. “Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.”

— George Carlin

272. “Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.”

— George Carlin

273. “Twat is twat and that is that.”

— George Carlin

274. “When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”

— George Carlin

275. “As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.”

— George Carlin

276. “Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.”

— George Carlin

277. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.”

— George Carlin

278. “Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.”

— George Carlin

279. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

— George Carlin

280. “Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

— George Carlin

281. “The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!”

— George Carlin

282. “More people write poetry than read it.”

— George Carlin

283. “If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”

— George Carlin

284. “No, there’s no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It’s certainly not a judgmental entity. It’s certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God.”

— George Carlin

285. “To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.”

— George Carlin

286. “No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.”

— George Carlin

287. “People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.”

— George Carlin

288. “Language always gives you away.”

— George Carlin

289. “I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.”

— George Carlin

290. “A pear is a failed apple.”

— George Carlin

291. “Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?”

— George Carlin

292. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”

— George Carlin

293. “I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”

— George Carlin

294. “Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.”

— George Carlin

295. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”

— George Carlin

296. “Everything beeps now.”

— George Carlin

297. “Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.”

— George Carlin

298. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

— George Carlin

299. “Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that’s our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.”

— George Carlin

300. “In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can’t say it the other way around.”

— George Carlin