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Jay Leno Quotes
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Jay Leno Quote: “They said that President Bush’s war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn’t losing American jobs anymore, he’s branching out to other countries.”
Jay Leno Quote: “A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Show business is like Champagne. You’ll appreciate it more if you don’t drink it everyday.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt.”
Jay Leno Quote: “There was also talk of bringing Al Gore to California to help out, but there was concern that Gray Davis and Al Gore in the same state would cause some kind of rolling personality blackout.”
Jay Leno Quote: “It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.’”
Jay Leno Quote: “Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.”
Jay Leno Quote: “According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.”
Jay Leno Quote: “President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way – liquored up in a cheap hotel room.”
Jay Leno Quote: “US officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I’m no a veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds?”
Jay Leno Quote: “There are over 30 doctors running for the US Congress this year. That’s going to be rather strange. Half the time these folks will be playing God and asking women to take their clothes off and the other half the time they will be doctors.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.”
Jay Leno Quote: “More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I don’t know why people are surprised the French don’t want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair.”
Jay Leno Quote: “An intruder broke into Mike Tyson’s hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don’t know what’s scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you’re sleeping or breaking into someone else’s room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.”
Jay Leno Quote: “More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.”
Jay Leno Quote: “According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.”
Jay Leno Quote: “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?”
Jay Leno Quote: “Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.”
Jay Leno Quote: “It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.”
Jay Leno Quote: “There’s a new Osama bin Laden video. He’s the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he’s going to Jenny Craig.”
Jay Leno Quote: “President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we’re learning from our mistakes.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’”
Jay Leno Quote: “You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.”
Jay Leno Quote: “President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.”
Jay Leno Quote: “President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him ‘sir’ instead of ‘Mr. President.’ Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?”
Jay Leno Quote: “When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for ‘Running off to Canada.’”
Jay Leno Quote: “They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went ‘Booo! Booo!’ and was throwing stuff. I had to say ‘Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!’”
Jay Leno Quote: “Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is ‘shrinking the American pie.’ And believe me, if there’s one thing Christie hates, it’s a small pie.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Here’s the latest from the Pentagon – the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Well, it looks like we’ve moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?”
Jay Leno Quote: “Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That’s scary.”
Jay Leno Quote: “As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he’s coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn’t it? When Clinton was president, he couldn’t recall anything.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I think there’s one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I’m glad we have a president that can read.”
Jay Leno Quote: “You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He’s at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.”
Jay Leno Quote: “John Kerry’s wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn’t bother John Kerry, he said, ‘To me, she looks like a million bucks’”
Jay Leno Quote: “In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.”
Jay Leno Quote: “American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we’re friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I’ve done Politically Incorrect several times. There’s no reason to think competition has to be adversarial.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can’t claim his voice wasn’t heard.”
Jay Leno Quote: “In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.”
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