Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 10 of 10

451. “According to a British poll, you’ve only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don’t run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.”

— Jay Leno

452. “The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow ‘Operation Re-elect Bush’ doesn’t seem to be popular.”

— Jay Leno

453. “Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.”

— Jay Leno

454. “President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can’t even get this in Florida.”

— Jay Leno

455. “Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show.”

— Jay Leno

456. “Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, ‘What? You count the ballots?’”

— Jay Leno

457. “It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.”

— Jay Leno

458. “There’s a new Osama bin Laden video. He’s the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he’s going to Jenny Craig.”

— Jay Leno

459. “A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he’s had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven’t vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.”

— Jay Leno

460. “The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch.”

— Jay Leno

461. “President Bush said it’s now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.”

— Jay Leno

462. “I think there’s one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.”

— Jay Leno

463. “It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.”

— Jay Leno

464. “John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, ‘What? People are listening to my speeches?’”

— Jay Leno

465. “The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed.”

— Jay Leno

466. “Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?”

— Jay Leno

467. “President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.”

— Jay Leno

468. “The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.”

— Jay Leno

469. “Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance...”

— Jay Leno

470. “John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That’s what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.”

— Jay Leno

471. “President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.”

— Jay Leno

472. “Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.”

— Jay Leno

473. “A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That’s because they are usually dead by age 40.”

— Jay Leno

474. “Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.”

— Jay Leno

475. “President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn’t worked here – so try it somewhere else.”

— Jay Leno

476. “There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.”

— Jay Leno

477. “The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you’ll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during yourflight.”

— Jay Leno

478. “As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he’s coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn’t it? When Clinton was president, he couldn’t recall anything.”

— Jay Leno

479. “Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, ‘No, I’m keeping him on the ticket.’”

— Jay Leno

480. “In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.”

— Jay Leno

481. “President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.”

— Jay Leno

482. “In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.”

— Jay Leno

483. “The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden’s financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn’t sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.”

— Jay Leno

484. “Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us.”

— Jay Leno

485. “Here’s some exciting news – according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it’s too early to tell who would lose bigger!”

— Jay Leno

486. “Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.”

— Jay Leno

487. “A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush’s dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.”

— Jay Leno

488. “A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers.”

— Jay Leno

489. “At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn’t that used to be called a mirror?”

— Jay Leno

490. “Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can’t blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded.”

— Jay Leno

491. “Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.”

— Jay Leno

492. “Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.”

— Jay Leno

493. “President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way – liquored up in a cheap hotel room.”

— Jay Leno

494. “Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were looking at their laptops instead of flying the plane. Think about this – everybody else on the plane has to turn off their laptops except for the people flying the plane.”

— Jay Leno

495. “Is it me or is President Bush’s life starting to sound like a country song. He’s from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down.”

— Jay Leno

496. “John Kerry’s wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn’t bother John Kerry, he said, ‘To me, she looks like a million bucks’”

— Jay Leno

497. “You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.”

— Jay Leno

498. “Well, there’s a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he’ll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison.”

— Jay Leno

499. “A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that “less than no one” thinks they’re doing a good job.”

— Jay Leno

500. “In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?”

— Jay Leno