Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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451. “It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.”

— Jay Leno

452. “John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, ‘What? People are listening to my speeches?’”

— Jay Leno

453. “The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed.”

— Jay Leno

454. “Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?”

— Jay Leno

455. “President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.”

— Jay Leno

456. “I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?”

— Jay Leno

457. “In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women.”

— Jay Leno

458. “Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.”

— Jay Leno

459. “Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”

— Jay Leno

460. “President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we’re learning from our mistakes.”

— Jay Leno

461. “Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.”

— Jay Leno

462. “Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt.”

— Jay Leno

463. “The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that’s President Bush’s Father’s Day gift to his Dad.”

— Jay Leno

464. “Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.”

— Jay Leno

465. “Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.”

— Jay Leno

466. “Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.”

— Jay Leno

467. “Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.”

— Jay Leno

468. “In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.”

— Jay Leno

469. “President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.”

— Jay Leno

470. “In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.”

— Jay Leno

471. “The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden’s financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn’t sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.”

— Jay Leno

472. “Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us.”

— Jay Leno

473. “Here’s some exciting news – according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it’s too early to tell who would lose bigger!”

— Jay Leno

474. “Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.”

— Jay Leno

475. “A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush’s dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.”

— Jay Leno

476. “A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers.”

— Jay Leno

477. “At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn’t that used to be called a mirror?”

— Jay Leno

478. “Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can’t blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded.”

— Jay Leno

479. “Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.”

— Jay Leno

480. “The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.”

— Jay Leno

481. “Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance...”

— Jay Leno

482. “John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That’s what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.”

— Jay Leno

483. “President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.”

— Jay Leno

484. “Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.”

— Jay Leno

485. “Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.”

— Jay Leno

486. “President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn’t worked here – so try it somewhere else.”

— Jay Leno

487. “There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.”

— Jay Leno

488. “The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you’ll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during yourflight.”

— Jay Leno

489. “As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he’s coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn’t it? When Clinton was president, he couldn’t recall anything.”

— Jay Leno

490. “Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, ‘No, I’m keeping him on the ticket.’”

— Jay Leno

491. “Well, there’s a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he’ll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison.”

— Jay Leno

492. “A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that “less than no one” thinks they’re doing a good job.”

— Jay Leno

493. “In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?”

— Jay Leno

494. “Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.”

— Jay Leno

495. “50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!”

— Jay Leno

Featured in: Romance Quotes

496. “You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He’s at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.”

— Jay Leno

497. “Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.”

— Jay Leno

498. “President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way – liquored up in a cheap hotel room.”

— Jay Leno

499. “A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That’s because they are usually dead by age 40.”

— Jay Leno

500. “Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were looking at their laptops instead of flying the plane. Think about this – everybody else on the plane has to turn off their laptops except for the people flying the plane.”

— Jay Leno