Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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451. “The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow ‘Operation Re-elect Bush’ doesn’t seem to be popular.”

— Jay Leno

452. “I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?”

— Jay Leno

453. “According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay.”

— Jay Leno

454. “President Bush said it’s now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.”

— Jay Leno

455. “Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt.”

— Jay Leno

456. “John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.”

— Jay Leno

457. “In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.”

— Jay Leno

458. “According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.”

— Jay Leno

459. “According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t.”

— Jay Leno

460. “Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.”

— Jay Leno

461. “It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.”

— Jay Leno

462. “President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we’re learning from our mistakes.”

— Jay Leno

463. “Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.”

— Jay Leno

464. “We should make politicians dress like race car drivers – when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.”

— Jay Leno

465. “In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.”

— Jay Leno

466. “The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden’s financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn’t sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.”

— Jay Leno

467. “There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.”

— Jay Leno

468. “Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us.”

— Jay Leno

469. “President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.”

— Jay Leno

470. “Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.”

— Jay Leno

471. “In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women.”

— Jay Leno

472. “Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.”

— Jay Leno

473. “As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he’s coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn’t it? When Clinton was president, he couldn’t recall anything.”

— Jay Leno

474. “A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers.”

— Jay Leno

475. “Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance...”

— Jay Leno

476. “Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.”

— Jay Leno

477. “Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.”

— Jay Leno

478. “Here’s some exciting news – according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it’s too early to tell who would lose bigger!”

— Jay Leno

479. “The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you’ll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during yourflight.”

— Jay Leno

480. “At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn’t that used to be called a mirror?”

— Jay Leno

481. “Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can’t blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded.”

— Jay Leno

482. “President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn’t worked here – so try it somewhere else.”

— Jay Leno

483. “John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That’s what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.”

— Jay Leno

484. “President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.”

— Jay Leno

485. “In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.”

— Jay Leno

486. “The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch.”

— Jay Leno

487. “A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush’s dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.”

— Jay Leno

488. “The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.”

— Jay Leno

489. “There’s a new Osama bin Laden video. He’s the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he’s going to Jenny Craig.”

— Jay Leno

490. “You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.”

— Jay Leno

491. “A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That’s because they are usually dead by age 40.”

— Jay Leno

492. “John Kerry’s wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn’t bother John Kerry, he said, ‘To me, she looks like a million bucks’”

— Jay Leno

493. “A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that “less than no one” thinks they’re doing a good job.”

— Jay Leno

494. “Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were looking at their laptops instead of flying the plane. Think about this – everybody else on the plane has to turn off their laptops except for the people flying the plane.”

— Jay Leno

495. “Is it me or is President Bush’s life starting to sound like a country song. He’s from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down.”

— Jay Leno

496. “Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.”

— Jay Leno

497. “Well, there’s a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he’ll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison.”

— Jay Leno

498. “Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.”

— Jay Leno

499. “Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, ‘No, I’m keeping him on the ticket.’”

— Jay Leno

500. “In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?”

— Jay Leno