Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.”

— Jay Leno

402. “The New York Times has had fake stories. CBS has had fake stories. And now Newsweek had a fake story. You realize the only one that hasn’t had to print a retraction is the National Inquirer.”

— Jay Leno

403. “It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.”

— Jay Leno

404. “Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.”

— Jay Leno

405. “Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.”

— Jay Leno

406. “To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!”

— Jay Leno

407. “President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, ‘Joe Biden.’”

— Jay Leno

408. “The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?”

— Jay Leno

409. “John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the ‘comeback kid.’ That used to be Bill Clinton’s name – because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.”

— Jay Leno

410. “At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.”

— Jay Leno

411. “The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.”

— Jay Leno

412. “As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I’ll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.”

— Jay Leno

413. “Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn’t planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they’re dead.”

— Jay Leno

414. “Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don’t need the popular vote to win.”

— Jay Leno

415. “I guess we didn’t even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, ‘An apology is not a sign of weakness.’ And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn’t even a sign you’re sorry.”

— Jay Leno

416. “President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.”

— Jay Leno

417. “The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.”

— Jay Leno

418. “The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.”

— Jay Leno

419. “They said that President Bush’s war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn’t losing American jobs anymore, he’s branching out to other countries.”

— Jay Leno

420. “A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.”

— Jay Leno

421. “Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.”

— Jay Leno

422. “There are over 30 doctors running for the US Congress this year. That’s going to be rather strange. Half the time these folks will be playing God and asking women to take their clothes off and the other half the time they will be doctors.”

— Jay Leno

423. “It’s always bad news when you kill your date.”

— Jay Leno

424. “Border agents have now been issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls? Don’t these people eat jalapenos? Isn’t that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy?”

— Jay Leno

425. “Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.”

— Jay Leno

426. “President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.”

— Jay Leno

427. “Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.”

— Jay Leno

428. “I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went ‘Booo! Booo!’ and was throwing stuff. I had to say ‘Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!’”

— Jay Leno

429. “Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, ‘What? You count the ballots?’”

— Jay Leno

430. “Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”

— Jay Leno

431. “Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.”

— Jay Leno

432. “Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.”

— Jay Leno

433. “President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.”

— Jay Leno

434. “Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.”

— Jay Leno

435. “I think there’s one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.”

— Jay Leno

436. “Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I’m glad we have a president that can read.”

— Jay Leno

437. “The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that’s President Bush’s Father’s Day gift to his Dad.”

— Jay Leno

438. “It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.”

— Jay Leno

439. “Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.”

— Jay Leno

440. “In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren’t allowed to associate with known felons.”

— Jay Leno

441. “A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he’s had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven’t vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.”

— Jay Leno

442. “Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”

— Jay Leno

443. “John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, ‘What? People are listening to my speeches?’”

— Jay Leno

444. “Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.”

— Jay Leno

445. “The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed.”

— Jay Leno

446. “Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?”

— Jay Leno

447. “President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can’t even get this in Florida.”

— Jay Leno

448. “Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show.”

— Jay Leno

449. “Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean’s crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won’t campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: ‘Aaghhhh.’”

— Jay Leno

450. “According to a British poll, you’ve only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don’t run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.”

— Jay Leno