Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.”

— Jay Leno

402. “According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.”

— Jay Leno

403. “Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.”

— Jay Leno

404. “Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.”

— Jay Leno

405. “To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!”

— Jay Leno

406. “President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, ‘Joe Biden.’”

— Jay Leno

407. “The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?”

— Jay Leno

408. “John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the ‘comeback kid.’ That used to be Bill Clinton’s name – because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.”

— Jay Leno

409. “At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.”

— Jay Leno

410. “The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.”

— Jay Leno

411. “As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I’ll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.”

— Jay Leno

412. “Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn’t planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they’re dead.”

— Jay Leno

413. “Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don’t need the popular vote to win.”

— Jay Leno

414. “What’s going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don’t want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won’t be recognized.”

— Jay Leno

415. “I guess we didn’t even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, ‘An apology is not a sign of weakness.’ And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn’t even a sign you’re sorry.”

— Jay Leno

416. “President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.”

— Jay Leno

417. “The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.”

— Jay Leno

418. “They said that President Bush’s war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn’t losing American jobs anymore, he’s branching out to other countries.”

— Jay Leno

419. “A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.”

— Jay Leno

420. “Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.”

— Jay Leno

421. “John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.”

— Jay Leno

422. “In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.”

— Jay Leno

423. “According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t.”

— Jay Leno

424. “Border agents have now been issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls? Don’t these people eat jalapenos? Isn’t that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy?”

— Jay Leno

425. “It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.”

— Jay Leno

426. “President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we’re learning from our mistakes.”

— Jay Leno

427. “Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.”

— Jay Leno

428. “President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.”

— Jay Leno

429. “Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.”

— Jay Leno

430. “Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, ‘What? You count the ballots?’”

— Jay Leno

431. “Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.”

— Jay Leno

432. “Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”

— Jay Leno

433. “President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.”

— Jay Leno

434. “Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.”

— Jay Leno

435. “I think there’s one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.”

— Jay Leno

436. “Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I’m glad we have a president that can read.”

— Jay Leno

437. “The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that’s President Bush’s Father’s Day gift to his Dad.”

— Jay Leno

438. “It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.”

— Jay Leno

439. “A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn’t his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies.”

— Jay Leno

440. “In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren’t allowed to associate with known felons.”

— Jay Leno

441. “A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he’s had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven’t vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.”

— Jay Leno

442. “Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.”

— Jay Leno

443. “Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”

— Jay Leno

444. “John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, ‘What? People are listening to my speeches?’”

— Jay Leno

445. “Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.”

— Jay Leno

446. “The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed.”

— Jay Leno

447. “Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?”

— Jay Leno

448. “President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can’t even get this in Florida.”

— Jay Leno

449. “Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show.”

— Jay Leno

450. “Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean’s crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won’t campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: ‘Aaghhhh.’”

— Jay Leno