Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.”

— Jay Leno

402. “A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.”

— Jay Leno

403. “In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we’ll try it in New Orleans.”

— Jay Leno

404. “Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.”

— Jay Leno

405. “There are over 30 doctors running for the US Congress this year. That’s going to be rather strange. Half the time these folks will be playing God and asking women to take their clothes off and the other half the time they will be doctors.”

— Jay Leno

406. “A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn’t his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies.”

— Jay Leno

407. “According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay.”

— Jay Leno

408. “In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items – like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.”

— Jay Leno

409. “We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn’t that a little backwards?”

— Jay Leno

410. “As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I’ll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.”

— Jay Leno

411. “We should make politicians dress like race car drivers – when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.”

— Jay Leno

412. “To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!”

— Jay Leno

413. “Border agents have now been issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls? Don’t these people eat jalapenos? Isn’t that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy?”

— Jay Leno

414. “Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.”

— Jay Leno

415. “President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.”

— Jay Leno

416. “The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.”

— Jay Leno

417. “The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.”

— Jay Leno

418. “Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.”

— Jay Leno

419. “Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I’m glad we have a president that can read.”

— Jay Leno

420. “President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that’s primarily Spanish.”

— Jay Leno

421. “Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.”

— Jay Leno

422. “Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.”

— Jay Leno

423. “Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn’t planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they’re dead.”

— Jay Leno

424. “Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don’t need the popular vote to win.”

— Jay Leno

425. “I guess we didn’t even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, ‘An apology is not a sign of weakness.’ And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn’t even a sign you’re sorry.”

— Jay Leno

426. “The nation’s largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to ‘screw you.’”

— Jay Leno

427. “Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”

— Jay Leno

428. “John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, ‘What? People are listening to my speeches?’”

— Jay Leno

429. “It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.”

— Jay Leno

430. “Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the ‘Hardball’ show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left.”

— Jay Leno

431. “President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.”

— Jay Leno

432. “In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women.”

— Jay Leno

433. “President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.”

— Jay Leno

434. “At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.”

— Jay Leno

435. “The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.”

— Jay Leno

436. “John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the ‘comeback kid.’ That used to be Bill Clinton’s name – because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.”

— Jay Leno

437. “Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”

— Jay Leno

438. “President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we’re learning from our mistakes.”

— Jay Leno

439. “Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.”

— Jay Leno

440. “Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt.”

— Jay Leno

441. “The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that’s President Bush’s Father’s Day gift to his Dad.”

— Jay Leno

442. “As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he’s coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn’t it? When Clinton was president, he couldn’t recall anything.”

— Jay Leno

443. “Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.”

— Jay Leno

444. “Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.”

— Jay Leno

445. “Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.”

— Jay Leno

446. “Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.”

— Jay Leno

447. “John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.”

— Jay Leno

448. “In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.”

— Jay Leno

449. “According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.”

— Jay Leno

450. “According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t.”

— Jay Leno