Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.”

— Jay Leno

402. “The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.”

— Jay Leno

403. “The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.”

— Jay Leno

404. “They said that President Bush’s war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn’t losing American jobs anymore, he’s branching out to other countries.”

— Jay Leno

405. “Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.”

— Jay Leno

406. “Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I’m glad we have a president that can read.”

— Jay Leno

407. “President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that’s primarily Spanish.”

— Jay Leno

408. “Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.”

— Jay Leno

409. “Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.”

— Jay Leno

410. “Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn’t planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they’re dead.”

— Jay Leno

411. “Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don’t need the popular vote to win.”

— Jay Leno

412. “I guess we didn’t even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, ‘An apology is not a sign of weakness.’ And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn’t even a sign you’re sorry.”

— Jay Leno

413. “The nation’s largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to ‘screw you.’”

— Jay Leno

414. “Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”

— Jay Leno

415. “I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went ‘Booo! Booo!’ and was throwing stuff. I had to say ‘Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!’”

— Jay Leno

416. “It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.”

— Jay Leno

417. “Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the ‘Hardball’ show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left.”

— Jay Leno

418. “President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.”

— Jay Leno

419. “President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.”

— Jay Leno

420. “John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the ‘comeback kid.’ That used to be Bill Clinton’s name – because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.”

— Jay Leno

421. “At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.”

— Jay Leno

422. “The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.”

— Jay Leno

423. “Here’s the latest from the Pentagon – the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

424. “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”

— Jay Leno

425. “Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.”

— Jay Leno

426. “President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, ‘Joe Biden.’”

— Jay Leno

427. “The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?”

— Jay Leno

428. “Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.”

— Jay Leno

429. “In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren’t allowed to associate with known felons.”

— Jay Leno

430. “The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.”

— Jay Leno

431. “You’ve got Bush and Gore headed to the Supreme Court. You’ve got George W. Bush’s intelligence will be pitted against Al Gore’s honesty. This is more like a case for small claims court.”

— Jay Leno

432. “A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.”

— Jay Leno

433. “A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.”

— Jay Leno

434. “In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we’ll try it in New Orleans.”

— Jay Leno

435. “John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.”

— Jay Leno

436. “In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.”

— Jay Leno

437. “According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.”

— Jay Leno

438. “According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t.”

— Jay Leno

439. “According to a British poll, you’ve only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don’t run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.”

— Jay Leno

440. “The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow ‘Operation Re-elect Bush’ doesn’t seem to be popular.”

— Jay Leno

441. “Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.”

— Jay Leno

442. “President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can’t even get this in Florida.”

— Jay Leno

443. “Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show.”

— Jay Leno

444. “Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, ‘What? You count the ballots?’”

— Jay Leno

445. “It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.”

— Jay Leno

446. “There’s a new Osama bin Laden video. He’s the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he’s going to Jenny Craig.”

— Jay Leno

447. “A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he’s had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven’t vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.”

— Jay Leno

448. “The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch.”

— Jay Leno

449. “President Bush said it’s now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.”

— Jay Leno

450. “I think there’s one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.”

— Jay Leno