Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “Jesse Jackson’s in trouble. They’re going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize.”

— Jay Leno

252. “Here’s an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.”

— Jay Leno

253. “Show business pays you a lot of money because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.”

— Jay Leno

254. “I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.”

— Jay Leno

255. “A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.”

— Jay Leno

256. “President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.”

— Jay Leno

257. “One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama.”

— Jay Leno

258. “President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.”

— Jay Leno

259. “Enron’s president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as “karma.” The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree’s entire life savings.”

— Jay Leno

260. “Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.”

— Jay Leno

261. “Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What’s next, a health care plan?”

— Jay Leno

262. “The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night.”

— Jay Leno

263. “Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.”

— Jay Leno

264. “California Governor Gray Davis visited an elementary school here in Los Angeles where he taught a class. I don’t want to say he was unpopular but the kids gave him a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker.”

— Jay Leno

265. “At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.”

— Jay Leno

266. “Every year Steve Kaufman supports the charity “Love Ride” by donating a painting to this cause.”

— Jay Leno

267. “I went to see that movie ‘From Hell,’ or as Osama bin Laden calls it – ‘Roots.’”

— Jay Leno

268. “Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center.”

— Jay Leno

269. “They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over.”

— Jay Leno

270. “They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.”

— Jay Leno

271. “John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician.”

— Jay Leno

272. “President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He’s going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he’s back in the National Guard.”

— Jay Leno

273. “There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.”

— Jay Leno

274. “Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.”

— Jay Leno

275. “The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.”

— Jay Leno

276. “Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help.”

— Jay Leno

277. “President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It’s a stationary bike.”

— Jay Leno

278. “Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.”

— Jay Leno

279. “Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.”

— Jay Leno

280. “Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.”

— Jay Leno

281. “You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, ‘Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.’”

— Jay Leno

282. “But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!”

— Jay Leno

283. “Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It’s ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let’s bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They’ll know how to take care of him!”

— Jay Leno

284. “They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, ‘Oh, what a coincidence, that’s how I got picked.’”

— Jay Leno

285. “It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.”

— Jay Leno

286. “The other night, President Bush’s press conference was pre-empted by ‘American Idol.’ You know the difference between President Bush and ‘American Idol?’ See, on ‘American Idol,’ the one with the most votes wins.”

— Jay Leno

287. “If politicians all told the truth, we’d be out of business.”

— Jay Leno

288. “You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez.”

— Jay Leno

289. “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?”

— Jay Leno

290. “American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.”

— Jay Leno

291. “Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.”

— Jay Leno

292. “The first lady said about her husband, ‘I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.’ And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

293. “People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans.”

— Jay Leno

294. “Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That’s scary.”

— Jay Leno

295. “Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the ‘Wizard of Oz’ ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.”

— Jay Leno

296. “There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad.”

— Jay Leno

297. “You know what I’m doing for Easter? I’m gonna be hanging with my Peeps.”

— Jay Leno

298. “The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

299. “So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.”

— Jay Leno

300. “The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.”

— Jay Leno