Top 100

Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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Jay Leno Quote: “I don’t know why people are surprised the French don’t want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France.”
Jay Leno Quote: “A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it’s not actually Martha. It’s a doctored photo. They put Martha’s head on a slimmer woman’s body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, ‘Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman’s body, I’d stay in prison.’”
Jay Leno Quote: “Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help.”
Jay Leno Quote: “It’s not called cocaine any more. It’s now referred to as Crack Classic.”
Jay Leno Quote: “According to today’s Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he’s a uniter!”
Jay Leno Quote: “President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He’s going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he’s back in the National Guard.”
Jay Leno Quote: “At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.”
Jay Leno Quote: “One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.”
Jay Leno Quote: “People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The first lady said about her husband, ‘I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.’ And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.”
Jay Leno Quote: “It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.”
Jay Leno Quote: “So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I went to see that movie ‘From Hell,’ or as Osama bin Laden calls it – ‘Roots.’”
Jay Leno Quote: “Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.”
Jay Leno Quote: “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?”
Jay Leno Quote: “President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?”
Jay Leno Quote: “Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn’t a car guy.”
Jay Leno Quote: “If politicians all told the truth, we’d be out of business.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.”
Jay Leno Quote: “There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That’s scary.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The other night, President Bush’s press conference was pre-empted by ‘American Idol.’ You know the difference between President Bush and ‘American Idol?’ See, on ‘American Idol,’ the one with the most votes wins.”
Jay Leno Quote: “American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.”
Jay Leno Quote: “They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, ‘Oh, what a coincidence, that’s how I got picked.’”
Jay Leno Quote: “Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!”
Jay Leno Quote: “Every year Steve Kaufman supports the charity “Love Ride” by donating a painting to this cause.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News.”
Jay Leno Quote: “You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.”
Jay Leno Quote: “A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.”
Jay Leno Quote: “George W. Bush loves golf because it’s like the election – low score wins.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.”
Jay Leno Quote: “A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It’s ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let’s bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They’ll know how to take care of him!”
Jay Leno Quote: “In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.”
Jay Leno Quote: “You know what I’m doing for Easter? I’m gonna be hanging with my Peeps.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.”
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