Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “Every year Steve Kaufman supports the charity “Love Ride” by donating a painting to this cause.”

— Jay Leno

252. “I went to see that movie ‘From Hell,’ or as Osama bin Laden calls it – ‘Roots.’”

— Jay Leno

253. “Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center.”

— Jay Leno

254. “They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over.”

— Jay Leno

255. “They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.”

— Jay Leno

256. “John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician.”

— Jay Leno

257. “President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He’s going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he’s back in the National Guard.”

— Jay Leno

258. “There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.”

— Jay Leno

259. “Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.”

— Jay Leno

260. “The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.”

— Jay Leno

261. “Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help.”

— Jay Leno

262. “President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It’s a stationary bike.”

— Jay Leno

263. “Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.”

— Jay Leno

264. “Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.”

— Jay Leno

265. “Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.”

— Jay Leno

266. “US officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I’m no a veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds?”

— Jay Leno

267. “Jesse Jackson’s in trouble. They’re going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize.”

— Jay Leno

268. “Here’s an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.”

— Jay Leno

269. “Show business pays you a lot of money because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.”

— Jay Leno

270. “I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.”

— Jay Leno

271. “A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.”

— Jay Leno

272. “President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.”

— Jay Leno

273. “One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama.”

— Jay Leno

274. “Enron’s president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as “karma.” The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree’s entire life savings.”

— Jay Leno

275. “Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.”

— Jay Leno

276. “President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.”

— Jay Leno

277. “Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What’s next, a health care plan?”

— Jay Leno

278. “The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night.”

— Jay Leno

279. “Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.”

— Jay Leno

280. “California Governor Gray Davis visited an elementary school here in Los Angeles where he taught a class. I don’t want to say he was unpopular but the kids gave him a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker.”

— Jay Leno

281. “The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

282. “So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.”

— Jay Leno

283. “The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.”

— Jay Leno

284. “Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment.”

— Jay Leno

285. “There is a video out now on how to please men. Here’s tip number 1: Just show up!”

— Jay Leno

286. “Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.”

— Jay Leno

287. “Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn’t a car guy.”

— Jay Leno

288. “Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it.”

— Jay Leno

289. “President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?”

— Jay Leno

290. “Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.”

— Jay Leno

291. “This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.”

— Jay Leno

292. “Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.”

— Jay Leno

293. “Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!”

— Jay Leno

294. “The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November.”

— Jay Leno

295. “Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.”

— Jay Leno

296. “You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, ‘Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.’”

— Jay Leno

297. “But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!”

— Jay Leno

298. “Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It’s ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let’s bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They’ll know how to take care of him!”

— Jay Leno

299. “They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, ‘Oh, what a coincidence, that’s how I got picked.’”

— Jay Leno

300. “It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.”

— Jay Leno