Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “According to today’s Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he’s a uniter!”

— Jay Leno

252. “At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.”

— Jay Leno

253. “Every year Steve Kaufman supports the charity “Love Ride” by donating a painting to this cause.”

— Jay Leno

254. “One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama.”

— Jay Leno

255. “Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.”

— Jay Leno

256. “A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.”

— Jay Leno

257. “President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.”

— Jay Leno

258. “They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over.”

— Jay Leno

259. “They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.”

— Jay Leno

260. “Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What’s next, a health care plan?”

— Jay Leno

261. “President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It’s a stationary bike.”

— Jay Leno

262. “Here’s an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.”

— Jay Leno

263. “Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center.”

— Jay Leno

264. “President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.”

— Jay Leno

265. “Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.”

— Jay Leno

266. “The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.”

— Jay Leno

267. “Enron’s president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as “karma.” The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree’s entire life savings.”

— Jay Leno

268. “US officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I’m no a veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds?”

— Jay Leno

269. “Jesse Jackson’s in trouble. They’re going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize.”

— Jay Leno

270. “A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on.”

— Jay Leno

271. “Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.”

— Jay Leno

272. “Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.”

— Jay Leno

273. “Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn’t a car guy.”

— Jay Leno

274. “If politicians all told the truth, we’d be out of business.”

— Jay Leno

275. “Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.”

— Jay Leno

276. “Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That’s scary.”

— Jay Leno

277. “Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the ‘Wizard of Oz’ ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.”

— Jay Leno

278. “There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad.”

— Jay Leno

279. “The other night, President Bush’s press conference was pre-empted by ‘American Idol.’ You know the difference between President Bush and ‘American Idol?’ See, on ‘American Idol,’ the one with the most votes wins.”

— Jay Leno

280. “There is a video out now on how to please men. Here’s tip number 1: Just show up!”

— Jay Leno

281. “American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.”

— Jay Leno

282. “They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, ‘Oh, what a coincidence, that’s how I got picked.’”

— Jay Leno

283. “This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.”

— Jay Leno

284. “There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.”

— Jay Leno

285. “Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!”

— Jay Leno

286. “You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, ‘Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.’”

— Jay Leno

287. “The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

288. “John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician.”

— Jay Leno

289. “You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez.”

— Jay Leno

290. “Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.”

— Jay Leno

291. “The first lady said about her husband, ‘I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.’ And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

292. “People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans.”

— Jay Leno

293. “It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.”

— Jay Leno

294. “So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.”

— Jay Leno

295. “The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.”

— Jay Leno

296. “The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November.”

— Jay Leno

297. “Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.”

— Jay Leno

298. “Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.”

— Jay Leno

299. “I went to see that movie ‘From Hell,’ or as Osama bin Laden calls it – ‘Roots.’”

— Jay Leno

300. “President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?”

— Jay Leno