Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It’s about gasoline.”

— Jay Leno

52. “Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.”

— Jay Leno

53. “The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That’s something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.”

— Jay Leno

54. “Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.”

— Jay Leno

55. “Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!”

— Jay Leno

56. “BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.”

— Jay Leno

57. “Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.”

— Jay Leno

58. “Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed.”

— Jay Leno

59. “That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that’s 360 virgins.”

— Jay Leno

60. “When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking.”

— Jay Leno

61. “The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...”

— Jay Leno

62. “I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.”

— Jay Leno

63. “They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he’s going after the wealthy in this country, he’s not just talking. He’s doing it!”

— Jay Leno

64. “An intruder broke into Mike Tyson’s hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don’t know what’s scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you’re sleeping or breaking into someone else’s room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.”

— Jay Leno

65. “Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.”

— Jay Leno

66. “That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They’re in bed and she’s says, ‘In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.’”

— Jay Leno

67. “Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.”

— Jay Leno

68. “According to a new UN report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad, when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet.”

— Jay Leno

69. “People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn’t Ali, leave a little extra time.”

— Jay Leno

70. “New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”

— Jay Leno

71. “Today is February 14th – St. Valentine’s day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.”

— Jay Leno

72. “The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.”

— Jay Leno

73. “This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she’ll get his money, he’ll be dead in a week.”

— Jay Leno

74. “A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.”

— Jay Leno

75. “A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.”

— Jay Leno

76. “Regulations force people to do better.”

— Jay Leno

77. “I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go.”

— Jay Leno

78. “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’”

— Jay Leno

79. “I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!””

— Jay Leno

80. “America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.”

— Jay Leno

81. “Fox News has changed its slogan from ‘Fair and Balanced’ to ‘See, I told you so!’”

— Jay Leno

82. “A Christmas tree – the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.”

— Jay Leno

83. “An Israeli man’s life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man’s heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can’t stop throwing rocks at himself.”

— Jay Leno

84. “Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you’re really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it’s the greatest thing in the world.”

— Jay Leno

85. “The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn’t work out. Apparently she couldn’t handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had.”

— Jay Leno

86. “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”

— Jay Leno

87. “As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.”

— Jay Leno

88. “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”

— Jay Leno

89. “If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.”

— Jay Leno

90. “Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people; they’re just acquaintances.”

— Jay Leno

91. “Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That’s a comforting thought the next time you’re getting ready to get on the roller coaster!”

— Jay Leno

92. “Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she’ll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she’s going from the big house to an even bigger house.”

— Jay Leno

93. “It’s fun when you’re driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don’t. I mean, I don’t want to put on sunglasses. That’s why I’m in show business.”

— Jay Leno

94. “This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it “white people.””

— Jay Leno

95. “Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.”

— Jay Leno

96. “It’s cold out. It’s even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.”

— Jay Leno

97. “If I have one advantage, it’s that I will try to work harder than the next guy.”

— Jay Leno

98. “The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.”

— Jay Leno

99. “A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.”

— Jay Leno

100. “President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal?”

— Jay Leno