Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”

— Jay Leno

52. “Today is February 14th – St. Valentine’s day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.”

— Jay Leno

53. “The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.”

— Jay Leno

54. “If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself.”

— Jay Leno

55. “This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she’ll get his money, he’ll be dead in a week.”

— Jay Leno

56. “A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.”

— Jay Leno

57. “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’”

— Jay Leno

58. “I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!””

— Jay Leno

59. “America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.”

— Jay Leno

60. “Fox News has changed its slogan from ‘Fair and Balanced’ to ‘See, I told you so!’”

— Jay Leno

61. “The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn’t work out. Apparently she couldn’t handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had.”

— Jay Leno

62. “Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you’re really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it’s the greatest thing in the world.”

— Jay Leno

63. “A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.”

— Jay Leno

64. “If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.”

— Jay Leno

65. “A Christmas tree – the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.”

— Jay Leno

66. “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”

— Jay Leno

67. “An Israeli man’s life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man’s heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can’t stop throwing rocks at himself.”

— Jay Leno

68. “I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go.”

— Jay Leno

69. “The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there’s nothing worth fighting about.”

— Jay Leno

70. “Regulations force people to do better.”

— Jay Leno

71. “This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it “white people.””

— Jay Leno

72. “Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.”

— Jay Leno

73. “If I have one advantage, it’s that I will try to work harder than the next guy.”

— Jay Leno

74. “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”

— Jay Leno

75. “The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.”

— Jay Leno

76. “Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she’ll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she’s going from the big house to an even bigger house.”

— Jay Leno

77. “President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal?”

— Jay Leno

78. “Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.”

— Jay Leno

79. “Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That’s a comforting thought the next time you’re getting ready to get on the roller coaster!”

— Jay Leno

80. “It’s fun when you’re driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don’t. I mean, I don’t want to put on sunglasses. That’s why I’m in show business.”

— Jay Leno

81. “A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.”

— Jay Leno

82. “The car was the iPhone of the 20th century. Kids these days don’t have to drive anymore. They just go there virtually.”

— Jay Leno

83. “Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.”

— Jay Leno

84. “Some sad news, President Bush’s lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn’t even know Tony Blair was sick?”

— Jay Leno

85. “Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people; they’re just acquaintances.”

— Jay Leno

86. “According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that’s why John Kerry had all that Botox – his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.”

— Jay Leno

87. “The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, can’t blame me for that one.’”

— Jay Leno

88. “They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it’s not the bun?”

— Jay Leno

89. “As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.”

— Jay Leno

90. “President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.”

— Jay Leno

91. “Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.”

— Jay Leno

92. “I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is ‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’”

— Jay Leno

93. “I like cars that are ahead of their times, and that were noble failures because they were built to a higher standard than the consumer needed. Cars like the Wills Sainte Claire or the Duesenberg.”

— Jay Leno

94. “Wikipedia was offline after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. It was pretty bad. For a while there, people had nowhere to go for phony, inaccurate information.”

— Jay Leno

95. “Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.”

— Jay Leno

96. “President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.”

— Jay Leno

97. “Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men’s soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.”

— Jay Leno

98. “It’s cold out. It’s even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.”

— Jay Leno

99. “Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge?”

— Jay Leno

100. “The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code – they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.”

— Jay Leno