Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we’re getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?”

— Jay Leno

202. “British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.”

— Jay Leno

203. “Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.”

— Jay Leno

204. “I don’t know why people are surprised the French don’t want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France.”

— Jay Leno

205. “Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.”

— Jay Leno

206. “An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.”

— Jay Leno

207. “Heating bills this winter are the highest they’ve been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It’s called global warming.”

— Jay Leno

208. “55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!”

— Jay Leno

209. “Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.”

— Jay Leno

210. “I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, ‘Is everything okay?’ He said, ‘You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.’ That seems a little personal to me.”

— Jay Leno

211. “It’s just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that’s when we’ll be going.”

— Jay Leno

212. “Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald’s hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.”

— Jay Leno

213. “Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he’d be charging $2.99 a minute.”

— Jay Leno

214. “China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.”

— Jay Leno

215. “Big scandal on the new ‘Survivor’ series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.”

— Jay Leno

216. “If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? “Does the Devil really wear Prada?””

— Jay Leno

217. “Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

218. “Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti.”

— Jay Leno

219. “As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I’m sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.”

— Jay Leno

220. “More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We’re not sure when, we’re not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company?”

— Jay Leno

221. “Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn’t win, that’s going to be one heck of an election night party.”

— Jay Leno

222. “The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they’re called taxi cabs.”

— Jay Leno

223. “The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.”

— Jay Leno

224. “The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.”

— Jay Leno

225. “John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.”

— Jay Leno

226. “The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. Pollution? It’s those damn trees.”

— Jay Leno

227. “Major heat wave in India – 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to hear if their job is being outsourced to India.”

— Jay Leno

228. “Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.”

— Jay Leno

229. “There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.”

— Jay Leno

230. “President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?”

— Jay Leno

231. “My dad’s idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.”

— Jay Leno

232. “A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on.”

— Jay Leno

233. “Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it’s due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it’s just a temporary thing.”

— Jay Leno

234. “According to today’s Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he’s a uniter!”

— Jay Leno

235. “It’s not called cocaine any more. It’s now referred to as Crack Classic.”

— Jay Leno

236. “Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?”

— Jay Leno

237. “In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said “I believe in god.” But of course The Donald was talking about Himself.”

— Jay Leno

238. “Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11.”

— Jay Leno

239. “The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too.”

— Jay Leno

240. “Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it’s not actually Martha. It’s a doctored photo. They put Martha’s head on a slimmer woman’s body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, ‘Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman’s body, I’d stay in prison.’”

— Jay Leno

241. “Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really – how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?”

— Jay Leno

242. “Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.”

— Jay Leno

243. “Halloween’s coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5 billion pieces of candy.”

— Jay Leno

244. “Scientists believe that monkeys can be taught to think, lie and even play politics within their community. If we can just teach them to cheat on their wives we can save millions on congressional salaries.”

— Jay Leno

245. “I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.”

— Jay Leno

246. “Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can’t decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can’t figure out which one is more embarrassing.”

— Jay Leno

247. “As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam.”

— Jay Leno

248. “Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.”

— Jay Leno

249. “I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...”

— Jay Leno

250. “At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.”

— Jay Leno