Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Major heat wave in India – 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to hear if their job is being outsourced to India.”

— Jay Leno

202. “Usain Bolt won the gold for the men’s 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school – kind of like Mitt Romney.”

— Jay Leno

203. “I’ve lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.”

— Jay Leno

204. “Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.”

— Jay Leno

205. “BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.”

— Jay Leno

206. “If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? “Does the Devil really wear Prada?””

— Jay Leno

207. “Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

208. “Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald’s hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.”

— Jay Leno

209. “The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they’re called taxi cabs.”

— Jay Leno

210. “Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.”

— Jay Leno

211. “That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that’s 360 virgins.”

— Jay Leno

212. “55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!”

— Jay Leno

213. “More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We’re not sure when, we’re not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company?”

— Jay Leno

214. “The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.”

— Jay Leno

215. “The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. Pollution? It’s those damn trees.”

— Jay Leno

216. “Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti.”

— Jay Leno

217. “I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.”

— Jay Leno

218. “Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can’t decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can’t figure out which one is more embarrassing.”

— Jay Leno

219. “My dad’s idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.”

— Jay Leno

220. “As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam.”

— Jay Leno

221. “The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too.”

— Jay Leno

222. “Halloween’s coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5 billion pieces of candy.”

— Jay Leno

223. “Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he’d be charging $2.99 a minute.”

— Jay Leno

224. “China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.”

— Jay Leno

225. “It’s not called cocaine any more. It’s now referred to as Crack Classic.”

— Jay Leno

226. “Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really – how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?”

— Jay Leno

227. “President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?”

— Jay Leno

228. “Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.”

— Jay Leno

229. “Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it’s due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it’s just a temporary thing.”

— Jay Leno

230. “Scientists believe that monkeys can be taught to think, lie and even play politics within their community. If we can just teach them to cheat on their wives we can save millions on congressional salaries.”

— Jay Leno

231. “British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.”

— Jay Leno

232. “One thing about mildly dyslexic people – they’re good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal.”

— Jay Leno

233. “Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?”

— Jay Leno

234. “Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11.”

— Jay Leno

235. “As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I’m sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.”

— Jay Leno

236. “John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.”

— Jay Leno

237. “I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...”

— Jay Leno

238. “Jesse Jackson’s in trouble. They’re going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize.”

— Jay Leno

239. “I don’t know why people are surprised the French don’t want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France.”

— Jay Leno

240. “A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on.”

— Jay Leno

241. “Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.”

— Jay Leno

242. “Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it’s not actually Martha. It’s a doctored photo. They put Martha’s head on a slimmer woman’s body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, ‘Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman’s body, I’d stay in prison.’”

— Jay Leno

243. “Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.”

— Jay Leno

244. “The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night.”

— Jay Leno

245. “I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.”

— Jay Leno

246. “Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help.”

— Jay Leno

247. “President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He’s going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he’s back in the National Guard.”

— Jay Leno

248. “According to today’s Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he’s a uniter!”

— Jay Leno

249. “At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.”

— Jay Leno

250. “Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.”

— Jay Leno