Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code – they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.”

— Jay Leno

102. “There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it’s safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.”

— Jay Leno

103. “Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge?”

— Jay Leno

104. “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us.”

— Jay Leno

105. “I looked up the word POLITICS in the dictionary, and it’s actually a combination of two words: poli, which means ‘many,’ and tics, which means ‘bloodsuckers.’”

— Jay Leno

106. “Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.”

— Jay Leno

107. “Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.”

— Jay Leno

108. “Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”

— Jay Leno

109. “Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant.”

— Jay Leno

110. “My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?”

— Jay Leno

111. “I’m a staunch Independant. Every time I think I am a Republican, they do something greedy, and every time I think I am a Democrat, they go and do someting stupid.”

— Jay Leno

112. “Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.”

— Jay Leno

113. “The Houston Astros want to change the name of Enron Field where they play. I guess the Enron name could cause problems for them. Like players could steal a base and then deny it.”

— Jay Leno

114. “The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in Fortune or Money magazine?”

— Jay Leno

115. “According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought.”

— Jay Leno

116. “Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.”

— Jay Leno

117. “The games haven’t even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don’t flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it’s like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.”

— Jay Leno

118. “Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.”

— Jay Leno

119. “In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we’re doing anonymously.”

— Jay Leno

120. “Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they’ll be able to address the viewers by name.”

— Jay Leno

121. “Starbuck’s is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck’s price.”

— Jay Leno

122. “CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.”

— Jay Leno

123. “In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.”

— Jay Leno

124. “People don’t mind if you have a lot of money if they know you’re working for it.”

— Jay Leno

125. “When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.”

— Jay Leno

126. “Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.”

— Jay Leno

127. “Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He’s saying it was just the liquor talking.”

— Jay Leno

128. “A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they saw guys going to work out at a Zumba dance studio.”

— Jay Leno

129. “Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.”

— Jay Leno

130. “The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low – in other words, Bush is back on the job.”

— Jay Leno

131. “Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.”

— Jay Leno

132. “Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?”

— Jay Leno

133. “I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for ‘Running off to Canada.’”

— Jay Leno

134. “When they said “Make love, not war” at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.”

— Jay Leno

135. “Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent – over $500,000 a year. She’s in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.”

— Jay Leno

136. “Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.”

— Jay Leno

137. “Well, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is back – not for gays in the military. It’s President Obama’s new policy for questions about Libya. Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

— Jay Leno

138. “North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.”

— Jay Leno

139. “Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That’s so typical. Two cyborgs, ‘Oh, let’s blame the humans.’”

— Jay Leno

140. “John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, ‘Hey, shut up! What’s the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!’”

— Jay Leno

141. “Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.”

— Jay Leno

142. “And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.”

— Jay Leno

143. “All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.”

— Jay Leno

144. “Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns.”

— Jay Leno

145. “Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I’m surprised people aren’t calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait ’till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning.”

— Jay Leno

146. “I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.”

— Jay Leno

147. “According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, ‘What? We had a plan?’”

— Jay Leno

148. “The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.”

— Jay Leno

149. “Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, “Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England”.”

— Jay Leno

150. “If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.”

— Jay Leno