Top 100

Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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Jay Leno Quote: “I’m a staunch Independant. Every time I think I am a Republican, they do something greedy, and every time I think I am a Democrat, they go and do someting stupid.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant.”
Jay Leno Quote: “My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?”
Jay Leno Quote: “I like cars that are ahead of their times, and that were noble failures because they were built to a higher standard than the consumer needed. Cars like the Wills Sainte Claire or the Duesenberg.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The Houston Astros want to change the name of Enron Field where they play. I guess the Enron name could cause problems for them. Like players could steal a base and then deny it.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in Fortune or Money magazine?”
Jay Leno Quote: “Starbuck’s is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck’s price.”
Jay Leno Quote: “According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they’ll be able to address the viewers by name.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The games haven’t even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don’t flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it’s like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.”
Jay Leno Quote: “There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it’s safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.”
Jay Leno Quote: “CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.”
Jay Leno Quote: “In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we’re doing anonymously.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He’s saying it was just the liquor talking.”
Jay Leno Quote: “The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low – in other words, Bush is back on the job.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That’s so typical. Two cyborgs, ‘Oh, let’s blame the humans.’”
Jay Leno Quote: “John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, ‘Hey, shut up! What’s the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!’”
Jay Leno Quote: “Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.”
Jay Leno Quote: “In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.”
Jay Leno Quote: “And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.”
Jay Leno Quote: “People don’t mind if you have a lot of money if they know you’re working for it.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?”
Jay Leno Quote: “When they said “Make love, not war” at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent – over $500,000 a year. She’s in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.”
Jay Leno Quote: “North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.”
Jay Leno Quote: “President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.”
Jay Leno Quote: “How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?”
Jay Leno Quote: “Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.”
Jay Leno Quote: “We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does.”
Jay Leno Quote: “As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns.”
Jay Leno Quote: “According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, ‘What? We had a plan?’”
Jay Leno Quote: “Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.”
Jay Leno Quote: “I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.”
Jay Leno Quote: “A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they saw guys going to work out at a Zumba dance studio.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, “Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England”.”
Jay Leno Quote: “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us.”
Jay Leno Quote: “How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?”
Jay Leno Quote: “I’m going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time.”
Jay Leno Quote: “Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next – a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box.”
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