Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 3 of 10

101. “Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.”

— Jay Leno

102. “Some sad news, President Bush’s lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn’t even know Tony Blair was sick?”

— Jay Leno

103. “I’m a staunch Independant. Every time I think I am a Republican, they do something greedy, and every time I think I am a Democrat, they go and do someting stupid.”

— Jay Leno

104. “According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that’s why John Kerry had all that Botox – his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.”

— Jay Leno

105. “They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it’s not the bun?”

— Jay Leno

106. “Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge?”

— Jay Leno

107. “I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is ‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’”

— Jay Leno

108. “The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, can’t blame me for that one.’”

— Jay Leno

109. “I like cars that are ahead of their times, and that were noble failures because they were built to a higher standard than the consumer needed. Cars like the Wills Sainte Claire or the Duesenberg.”

— Jay Leno

110. “The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code – they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.”

— Jay Leno

111. “Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.”

— Jay Leno

112. “President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.”

— Jay Leno

113. “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us.”

— Jay Leno

114. “President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.”

— Jay Leno

115. “Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.”

— Jay Leno

116. “Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men’s soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.”

— Jay Leno

117. “There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it’s safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.”

— Jay Leno

118. “I looked up the word POLITICS in the dictionary, and it’s actually a combination of two words: poli, which means ‘many,’ and tics, which means ‘bloodsuckers.’”

— Jay Leno

119. “Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.”

— Jay Leno

120. “Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.”

— Jay Leno

121. “Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant.”

— Jay Leno

122. “Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”

— Jay Leno

123. “The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in Fortune or Money magazine?”

— Jay Leno

124. “In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we’re doing anonymously.”

— Jay Leno

125. “Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.”

— Jay Leno

126. “Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.”

— Jay Leno

127. “How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?”

— Jay Leno

128. “People don’t mind if you have a lot of money if they know you’re working for it.”

— Jay Leno

129. “The Houston Astros want to change the name of Enron Field where they play. I guess the Enron name could cause problems for them. Like players could steal a base and then deny it.”

— Jay Leno

130. “If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.”

— Jay Leno

131. “In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.”

— Jay Leno

132. “CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.”

— Jay Leno

133. “The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low – in other words, Bush is back on the job.”

— Jay Leno

134. “I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for ‘Running off to Canada.’”

— Jay Leno

135. “Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, “Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England”.”

— Jay Leno

136. “Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they’ll be able to address the viewers by name.”

— Jay Leno

137. “Starbuck’s is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck’s price.”

— Jay Leno

138. “The games haven’t even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don’t flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it’s like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.”

— Jay Leno

139. “When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.”

— Jay Leno

140. “Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.”

— Jay Leno

141. “When they said “Make love, not war” at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.”

— Jay Leno

142. “I’m going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time.”

— Jay Leno

143. “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.”

— Jay Leno

144. “Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.”

— Jay Leno

145. “How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?”

— Jay Leno

146. “I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.”

— Jay Leno

147. “And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.”

— Jay Leno

148. “A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they saw guys going to work out at a Zumba dance studio.”

— Jay Leno

149. “My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn. It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown. Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after you eat it.”

— Jay Leno

150. “Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He’s saying it was just the liquor talking.”

— Jay Leno