Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.”

— Jay Leno

152. “I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for ‘Running off to Canada.’”

— Jay Leno

153. “When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.”

— Jay Leno

154. “All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.”

— Jay Leno

155. “In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.”

— Jay Leno

156. “Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we’re friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I’ve done Politically Incorrect several times. There’s no reason to think competition has to be adversarial.”

— Jay Leno

157. “Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I’m surprised people aren’t calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait ’till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning.”

— Jay Leno

158. “It seems that England’s royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that’s what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.”

— Jay Leno

159. “Well, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is back – not for gays in the military. It’s President Obama’s new policy for questions about Libya. Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

— Jay Leno

160. “A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?”

— Jay Leno

161. “Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There’s no way to win! If Osama dies, you don’t get paid. If you’re found, you get killed.”

— Jay Leno

162. “So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?”

— Jay Leno

163. “You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.”

— Jay Leno

164. “Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.”

— Jay Leno

165. “President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That’s why it’s a 60-second spot.”

— Jay Leno

166. “The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.”

— Jay Leno

167. “A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig’s brain to a man’s brain – and the man’s brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.”

— Jay Leno

168. “I’m going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time.”

— Jay Leno

169. “Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next – a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box.”

— Jay Leno

170. “John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate.”

— Jay Leno

171. “Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it’s the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.”

— Jay Leno

172. “I didn’t realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.”

— Jay Leno

173. “Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.”

— Jay Leno

174. “With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.”

— Jay Leno

175. “Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory.”

— Jay Leno

176. “President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they’d never be able to tell him what’s in the newspapers every day.”

— Jay Leno

177. “The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we’re getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?”

— Jay Leno

178. “An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.”

— Jay Leno

179. “In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.”

— Jay Leno

180. “Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.”

— Jay Leno

181. “For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin’s Secret Service code name is ‘Denali.’ Turns out ‘Denali’ is an old Eskimo name that means ‘Dan Quayle.’”

— Jay Leno

182. “When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, ‘I never heard of him, but then again, I don’t listen to that rap.’”

— Jay Leno

183. “Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.”

— Jay Leno

184. “Heating bills this winter are the highest they’ve been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It’s called global warming.”

— Jay Leno

185. “If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.”

— Jay Leno

186. “Congratulation s to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.”

— Jay Leno

187. “When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that’s when you know they’re serious about being president of the United States.”

— Jay Leno

188. “French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.”

— Jay Leno

189. “Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I’m no expert, but isn’t that a horse?”

— Jay Leno

190. “Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster – mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.”

— Jay Leno

191. “Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn’t know, Arnold’s staff didn’t know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn’t get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.”

— Jay Leno

192. “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.”

— Jay Leno

193. “Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it’s amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don’t like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?”

— Jay Leno

194. “The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.”

— Jay Leno

195. “There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.”

— Jay Leno

196. “Big scandal on the new ‘Survivor’ series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.”

— Jay Leno

197. “It’s just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that’s when we’ll be going.”

— Jay Leno

198. “Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn’t win, that’s going to be one heck of an election night party.”

— Jay Leno

199. “I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, ‘Is everything okay?’ He said, ‘You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.’ That seems a little personal to me.”

— Jay Leno

200. “My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn. It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown. Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after you eat it.”

— Jay Leno