Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?”

— Jay Leno

152. “I’m going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time.”

— Jay Leno

153. “President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.”

— Jay Leno

154. “Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.”

— Jay Leno

155. “John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate.”

— Jay Leno

156. “It’s casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they’re casually going through everybody’s phone calls and records.”

— Jay Leno

157. “How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?”

— Jay Leno

158. “Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.”

— Jay Leno

159. “Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it’s the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.”

— Jay Leno

160. “We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does.”

— Jay Leno

161. “The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.”

— Jay Leno

162. “As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.”

— Jay Leno

163. “With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.”

— Jay Leno

164. “In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.”

— Jay Leno

165. “Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we’re friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I’ve done Politically Incorrect several times. There’s no reason to think competition has to be adversarial.”

— Jay Leno

166. “It seems that England’s royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that’s what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.”

— Jay Leno

167. “A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?”

— Jay Leno

168. “Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There’s no way to win! If Osama dies, you don’t get paid. If you’re found, you get killed.”

— Jay Leno

169. “So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?”

— Jay Leno

170. “You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.”

— Jay Leno

171. “Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.”

— Jay Leno

172. “President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That’s why it’s a 60-second spot.”

— Jay Leno

173. “A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig’s brain to a man’s brain – and the man’s brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.”

— Jay Leno

174. “Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next – a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box.”

— Jay Leno

175. “French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.”

— Jay Leno

176. “I didn’t realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.”

— Jay Leno

177. “Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.”

— Jay Leno

178. “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.”

— Jay Leno

179. “Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory.”

— Jay Leno

180. “President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they’d never be able to tell him what’s in the newspapers every day.”

— Jay Leno

181. “The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we’re getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?”

— Jay Leno

182. “An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.”

— Jay Leno

183. “My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn. It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown. Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after you eat it.”

— Jay Leno

184. “In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.”

— Jay Leno

185. “Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.”

— Jay Leno

186. “For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin’s Secret Service code name is ‘Denali.’ Turns out ‘Denali’ is an old Eskimo name that means ‘Dan Quayle.’”

— Jay Leno

187. “When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, ‘I never heard of him, but then again, I don’t listen to that rap.’”

— Jay Leno

188. “Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.”

— Jay Leno

189. “Heating bills this winter are the highest they’ve been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It’s called global warming.”

— Jay Leno

190. “BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.”

— Jay Leno

191. “Congratulation s to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.”

— Jay Leno

192. “55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!”

— Jay Leno

193. “When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that’s when you know they’re serious about being president of the United States.”

— Jay Leno

194. “Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I’m no expert, but isn’t that a horse?”

— Jay Leno

195. “Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster – mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.”

— Jay Leno

196. “Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn’t know, Arnold’s staff didn’t know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn’t get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.”

— Jay Leno

197. “There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.”

— Jay Leno

198. “Big scandal on the new ‘Survivor’ series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.”

— Jay Leno

199. “It’s just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that’s when we’ll be going.”

— Jay Leno

200. “Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn’t win, that’s going to be one heck of an election night party.”

— Jay Leno