Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?”

— Jay Leno

152. “Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.”

— Jay Leno

153. “Well, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is back – not for gays in the military. It’s President Obama’s new policy for questions about Libya. Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

— Jay Leno

154. “John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, ‘Hey, shut up! What’s the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!’”

— Jay Leno

155. “As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.”

— Jay Leno

156. “Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent – over $500,000 a year. She’s in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.”

— Jay Leno

157. “Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns.”

— Jay Leno

158. “North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.”

— Jay Leno

159. “We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does.”

— Jay Leno

160. “It seems that England’s royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that’s what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.”

— Jay Leno

161. “For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin’s Secret Service code name is ‘Denali.’ Turns out ‘Denali’ is an old Eskimo name that means ‘Dan Quayle.’”

— Jay Leno

162. “According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, ‘What? We had a plan?’”

— Jay Leno

163. “One thing about mildly dyslexic people – they’re good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal.”

— Jay Leno

164. “President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.”

— Jay Leno

165. “The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.”

— Jay Leno

166. “Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it’s the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.”

— Jay Leno

167. “Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster – mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.”

— Jay Leno

168. “More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it’s only one 72-year-old virgin.”

— Jay Leno

169. “Congratulation s to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.”

— Jay Leno

170. “Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.”

— Jay Leno

171. “When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, ‘I never heard of him, but then again, I don’t listen to that rap.’”

— Jay Leno

172. “Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.”

— Jay Leno

173. “John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate.”

— Jay Leno

174. “French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.”

— Jay Leno

175. “It’s casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they’re casually going through everybody’s phone calls and records.”

— Jay Leno

176. “I’ve lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.”

— Jay Leno

177. “Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I’m surprised people aren’t calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait ’till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning.”

— Jay Leno

178. “All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.”

— Jay Leno

179. “Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.”

— Jay Leno

180. “I didn’t realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.”

— Jay Leno

181. “In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.”

— Jay Leno

182. “With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.”

— Jay Leno

183. “A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?”

— Jay Leno

184. “Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There’s no way to win! If Osama dies, you don’t get paid. If you’re found, you get killed.”

— Jay Leno

185. “So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?”

— Jay Leno

186. “Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next – a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box.”

— Jay Leno

187. “You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.”

— Jay Leno

188. “President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That’s why it’s a 60-second spot.”

— Jay Leno

189. “Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we’re friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I’ve done Politically Incorrect several times. There’s no reason to think competition has to be adversarial.”

— Jay Leno

190. “A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig’s brain to a man’s brain – and the man’s brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.”

— Jay Leno

191. “Usain Bolt won the gold for the men’s 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school – kind of like Mitt Romney.”

— Jay Leno

192. “In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.”

— Jay Leno

193. “When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that’s when you know they’re serious about being president of the United States.”

— Jay Leno

194. “Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory.”

— Jay Leno

195. “Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it’s amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don’t like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?”

— Jay Leno

196. “Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.”

— Jay Leno

197. “Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I’m no expert, but isn’t that a horse?”

— Jay Leno

198. “Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn’t know, Arnold’s staff didn’t know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn’t get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.”

— Jay Leno

199. “President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”

— Jay Leno

200. “President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they’d never be able to tell him what’s in the newspapers every day.”

— Jay Leno