Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2025 Update)
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351. “Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.”

— Jay Leno

352. “Here’s an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That’s pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren’t involved, our kids can beat anybody.”

— Jay Leno

353. “The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends.”

— Jay Leno

354. “Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that’s according to Saddam’s campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.”

— Jay Leno

355. “In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it’s him...”

— Jay Leno

356. “The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.”

— Jay Leno

357. “Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn’t wait to get an envelope full of white powder.”

— Jay Leno

358. “Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.”

— Jay Leno

359. “Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.”

— Jay Leno

360. “A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.”

— Jay Leno

361. “President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.”

— Jay Leno

362. “Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that’s when you know a congressman’s in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.”

— Jay Leno

363. “If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.”

— Jay Leno

364. “Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.”

— Jay Leno

365. “Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet.”

— Jay Leno

366. “President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.”

— Jay Leno

367. “What’s going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don’t want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won’t be recognized.”

— Jay Leno

368. “Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!”

— Jay Leno

369. “We live in what’s called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.”

— Jay Leno

370. “The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?”

— Jay Leno

371. “You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one.”

— Jay Leno

372. “Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.”

— Jay Leno

373. “Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can’t vote again. It’s a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.”

— Jay Leno

374. “Iraq began destroying those missiles they don’t have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.”

— Jay Leno

375. “But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!”

— Jay Leno

376. “Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There’s a switch – the environment hurting Bush.”

— Jay Leno

377. “The circus doesn’t stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.”

— Jay Leno

378. “More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.”

— Jay Leno

379. “This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That’s like a record.”

— Jay Leno

380. “Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’”

— Jay Leno

381. “Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it’s different – his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.”

— Jay Leno

382. “President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him ‘sir’ instead of ‘Mr. President.’ Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?”

— Jay Leno

383. “When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.”

— Jay Leno

384. “If Arnold is elected, you know who I’d feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s your reprieve, and you hear ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’”

— Jay Leno

385. “Here’s the latest from the Pentagon – the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

386. “We should make politicians dress like race car drivers – when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.”

— Jay Leno

387. “There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.”

— Jay Leno

388. “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”

— Jay Leno

389. “A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.”

— Jay Leno

390. “The nation’s largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to ‘screw you.’”

— Jay Leno

391. “In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we’ll try it in New Orleans.”

— Jay Leno

392. “Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”

— Jay Leno

393. “We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn’t that a little backwards?”

— Jay Leno

394. “In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items – like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.”

— Jay Leno

395. “President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that’s primarily Spanish.”

— Jay Leno

396. “Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.”

— Jay Leno

397. “A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn’t his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies.”

— Jay Leno

398. “Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the ‘Hardball’ show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left.”

— Jay Leno

399. “President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.”

— Jay Leno

400. “Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.”

— Jay Leno