Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, ‘Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.’”

— Jay Leno

352. “President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?”

— Jay Leno

353. “Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.”

— Jay Leno

354. “Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.”

— Jay Leno

355. “Here’s an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That’s pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren’t involved, our kids can beat anybody.”

— Jay Leno

356. “The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends.”

— Jay Leno

357. “Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that’s according to Saddam’s campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.”

— Jay Leno

358. “In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it’s him...”

— Jay Leno

359. “The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.”

— Jay Leno

360. “Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn’t wait to get an envelope full of white powder.”

— Jay Leno

361. “Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.”

— Jay Leno

362. “Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.”

— Jay Leno

363. “It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It’s not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it’s all the walking around you do trying to find your car.”

— Jay Leno

364. “A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.”

— Jay Leno

365. “President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.”

— Jay Leno

366. “Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that’s when you know a congressman’s in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.”

— Jay Leno

367. “If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.”

— Jay Leno

368. “Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.”

— Jay Leno

369. “Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet.”

— Jay Leno

370. “President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.”

— Jay Leno

371. “Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!”

— Jay Leno

372. “We live in what’s called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.”

— Jay Leno

373. “The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?”

— Jay Leno

374. “You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one.”

— Jay Leno

375. “Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.”

— Jay Leno

376. “Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can’t vote again. It’s a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.”

— Jay Leno

377. “Show business is like Champagne. You’ll appreciate it more if you don’t drink it everyday.”

— Jay Leno

378. “There are over 30 doctors running for the US Congress this year. That’s going to be rather strange. Half the time these folks will be playing God and asking women to take their clothes off and the other half the time they will be doctors.”

— Jay Leno

379. “It’s always bad news when you kill your date.”

— Jay Leno

380. “More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.”

— Jay Leno

381. “President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him ‘sir’ instead of ‘Mr. President.’ Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?”

— Jay Leno

382. “When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.”

— Jay Leno

383. “Here’s the latest from the Pentagon – the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

384. “There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.”

— Jay Leno

385. “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”

— Jay Leno

386. “A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.”

— Jay Leno

387. “The nation’s largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to ‘screw you.’”

— Jay Leno

388. “In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we’ll try it in New Orleans.”

— Jay Leno

389. “We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn’t that a little backwards?”

— Jay Leno

390. “The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That’s a huge night for college players. That’s the night they start being paid over the table.”

— Jay Leno

391. “In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items – like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.”

— Jay Leno

392. “When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you’re on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.”

— Jay Leno

393. “President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that’s primarily Spanish.”

— Jay Leno

394. “Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.”

— Jay Leno

395. “Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the ‘Hardball’ show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left.”

— Jay Leno

396. “President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.”

— Jay Leno

397. “Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.”

— Jay Leno

398. “The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.”

— Jay Leno

399. “You’ve got Bush and Gore headed to the Supreme Court. You’ve got George W. Bush’s intelligence will be pitted against Al Gore’s honesty. This is more like a case for small claims court.”

— Jay Leno

400. “The New York Times has had fake stories. CBS has had fake stories. And now Newsweek had a fake story. You realize the only one that hasn’t had to print a retraction is the National Inquirer.”

— Jay Leno