Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “Here’s an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That’s pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren’t involved, our kids can beat anybody.”

— Jay Leno

352. “The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends.”

— Jay Leno

353. “Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that’s according to Saddam’s campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.”

— Jay Leno

354. “What’s going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don’t want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won’t be recognized.”

— Jay Leno

355. “General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don’t win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don’t even win elections.”

— Jay Leno

356. “Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn’t wait to get an envelope full of white powder.”

— Jay Leno

357. “Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it’s different – his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.”

— Jay Leno

358. “When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.”

— Jay Leno

359. “If Arnold is elected, you know who I’d feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s your reprieve, and you hear ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’”

— Jay Leno

360. “President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?”

— Jay Leno

361. “Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.”

— Jay Leno

362. “Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There’s a switch – the environment hurting Bush.”

— Jay Leno

363. “The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.”

— Jay Leno

364. “It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement.”

— Jay Leno

365. “A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.”

— Jay Leno

366. “Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!”

— Jay Leno

367. “You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one.”

— Jay Leno

368. “Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can’t vote again. It’s a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.”

— Jay Leno

369. “The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That’s a huge night for college players. That’s the night they start being paid over the table.”

— Jay Leno

370. “A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.”

— Jay Leno

371. “Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that’s when you know a congressman’s in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.”

— Jay Leno

372. “Well, it looks like we’ve moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?”

— Jay Leno

373. “A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.”

— Jay Leno

374. “Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.”

— Jay Leno

375. “More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.”

— Jay Leno

376. “This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That’s like a record.”

— Jay Leno

377. “Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’”

— Jay Leno

378. “Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn’t it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn’t do coke goes to Columbia.”

— Jay Leno

379. “The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.”

— Jay Leno

380. “Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet.”

— Jay Leno

381. “President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.”

— Jay Leno

382. “In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it’s him...”

— Jay Leno

383. “The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.”

— Jay Leno

384. “Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.”

— Jay Leno

385. “Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.”

— Jay Leno

386. “President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him ‘sir’ instead of ‘Mr. President.’ Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?”

— Jay Leno

387. “Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.”

— Jay Leno

388. “The New York Times has had fake stories. CBS has had fake stories. And now Newsweek had a fake story. You realize the only one that hasn’t had to print a retraction is the National Inquirer.”

— Jay Leno

389. “There are over 30 doctors running for the US Congress this year. That’s going to be rather strange. Half the time these folks will be playing God and asking women to take their clothes off and the other half the time they will be doctors.”

— Jay Leno

390. “A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn’t his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies.”

— Jay Leno

391. “According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay.”

— Jay Leno

392. “We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn’t that a little backwards?”

— Jay Leno

393. “In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items – like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.”

— Jay Leno

394. “As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I’ll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.”

— Jay Leno

395. “We should make politicians dress like race car drivers – when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.”

— Jay Leno

396. “There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.”

— Jay Leno

397. “To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!”

— Jay Leno

398. “It’s always bad news when you kill your date.”

— Jay Leno

399. “Border agents have now been issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls? Don’t these people eat jalapenos? Isn’t that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy?”

— Jay Leno

400. “Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.”

— Jay Leno