Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.”

— Jay Leno

352. “What’s the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.”

— Jay Leno

353. “President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?”

— Jay Leno

354. “Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.”

— Jay Leno

355. “Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.”

— Jay Leno

356. “Here’s an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That’s pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren’t involved, our kids can beat anybody.”

— Jay Leno

357. “The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends.”

— Jay Leno

358. “Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that’s according to Saddam’s campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.”

— Jay Leno

359. “In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it’s him...”

— Jay Leno

360. “The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.”

— Jay Leno

361. “Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn’t wait to get an envelope full of white powder.”

— Jay Leno

362. “Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.”

— Jay Leno

363. “Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.”

— Jay Leno

364. “A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.”

— Jay Leno

365. “President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.”

— Jay Leno

366. “Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that’s when you know a congressman’s in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.”

— Jay Leno

367. “If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.”

— Jay Leno

368. “Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.”

— Jay Leno

369. “Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet.”

— Jay Leno

370. “President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.”

— Jay Leno

371. “What’s going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don’t want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won’t be recognized.”

— Jay Leno

372. “Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!”

— Jay Leno

373. “We live in what’s called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.”

— Jay Leno

374. “The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?”

— Jay Leno

375. “You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one.”

— Jay Leno

376. “Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.”

— Jay Leno

377. “Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can’t vote again. It’s a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.”

— Jay Leno

378. “Iraq began destroying those missiles they don’t have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.”

— Jay Leno

379. “But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!”

— Jay Leno

380. “Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There’s a switch – the environment hurting Bush.”

— Jay Leno

381. “The circus doesn’t stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.”

— Jay Leno

382. “More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.”

— Jay Leno

383. “This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That’s like a record.”

— Jay Leno

384. “Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’”

— Jay Leno

385. “Here’s the latest from the Pentagon – the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

386. “There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.”

— Jay Leno

387. “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”

— Jay Leno

388. “A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.”

— Jay Leno

389. “The nation’s largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to ‘screw you.’”

— Jay Leno

390. “In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we’ll try it in New Orleans.”

— Jay Leno

391. “We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn’t that a little backwards?”

— Jay Leno

392. “In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items – like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.”

— Jay Leno

393. “Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.”

— Jay Leno

394. “President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that’s primarily Spanish.”

— Jay Leno

395. “A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn’t his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies.”

— Jay Leno

396. “Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the ‘Hardball’ show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left.”

— Jay Leno

397. “President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.”

— Jay Leno

398. “Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.”

— Jay Leno

399. “The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.”

— Jay Leno

400. “You’ve got Bush and Gore headed to the Supreme Court. You’ve got George W. Bush’s intelligence will be pitted against Al Gore’s honesty. This is more like a case for small claims court.”

— Jay Leno