Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.”

— Jay Leno

352. “Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that’s when you know a congressman’s in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.”

— Jay Leno

353. “Well, it looks like we’ve moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?”

— Jay Leno

354. “A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.”

— Jay Leno

355. “Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.”

— Jay Leno

356. “More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.”

— Jay Leno

357. “This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That’s like a record.”

— Jay Leno

358. “Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’”

— Jay Leno

359. “Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn’t it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn’t do coke goes to Columbia.”

— Jay Leno

360. “The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.”

— Jay Leno

361. “Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet.”

— Jay Leno

362. “President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.”

— Jay Leno

363. “In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it’s him...”

— Jay Leno

364. “The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.”

— Jay Leno

365. “Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.”

— Jay Leno

366. “Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.”

— Jay Leno

367. “President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him ‘sir’ instead of ‘Mr. President.’ Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?”

— Jay Leno

368. “Iraq began destroying those missiles they don’t have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.”

— Jay Leno

369. “According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.”

— Jay Leno

370. “We live in what’s called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.”

— Jay Leno

371. “The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?”

— Jay Leno

372. “Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.”

— Jay Leno

373. “When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you’re on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.”

— Jay Leno

374. “President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.”

— Jay Leno

375. “If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.”

— Jay Leno

376. “Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean’s crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won’t campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: ‘Aaghhhh.’”

— Jay Leno

377. “Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.”

— Jay Leno

378. “Here’s an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That’s pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren’t involved, our kids can beat anybody.”

— Jay Leno

379. “The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends.”

— Jay Leno

380. “Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that’s according to Saddam’s campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.”

— Jay Leno

381. “What’s going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don’t want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won’t be recognized.”

— Jay Leno

382. “General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don’t win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don’t even win elections.”

— Jay Leno

383. “Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn’t wait to get an envelope full of white powder.”

— Jay Leno

384. “Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it’s different – his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.”

— Jay Leno

385. “When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.”

— Jay Leno

386. “If Arnold is elected, you know who I’d feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s your reprieve, and you hear ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’”

— Jay Leno

387. “It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.”

— Jay Leno

388. “Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the ‘Hardball’ show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left.”

— Jay Leno

389. “President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.”

— Jay Leno

390. “President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.”

— Jay Leno

391. “John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the ‘comeback kid.’ That used to be Bill Clinton’s name – because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.”

— Jay Leno

392. “At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.”

— Jay Leno

393. “The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.”

— Jay Leno

394. “Here’s the latest from the Pentagon – the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

395. “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”

— Jay Leno

396. “Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.”

— Jay Leno

397. “Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.”

— Jay Leno

398. “President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, ‘Joe Biden.’”

— Jay Leno

399. “The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?”

— Jay Leno

400. “In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren’t allowed to associate with known felons.”

— Jay Leno