Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)

1. “Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”

— Jay Leno

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Valentine's Day Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes, Funny Love Quotes

2. “I believe engineers will save the world.”

— Jay Leno

3. “Ambition beats genius 99% of the time.”

— Jay Leno

4. “Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.”

— Jay Leno

5. “If you restore a car, and you’re making money, then you’re doing it wrong.”

— Jay Leno

6. “If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”

— Jay Leno

7. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.”

— Jay Leno

8. “If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.”

— Jay Leno

9. “Happiness is a privilege.”

— Jay Leno

10. “I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.”

— Jay Leno

11. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”

— Jay Leno

12. “The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here’s my question. If we’re on the surface of Mars, aren’t we the UFO?”

— Jay Leno

13. “Jesse Jackson’s wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night.”

— Jay Leno

14. “Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.”

— Jay Leno

15. “Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed.”

— Jay Leno

16. “Changing the story until you believe it.”

— Jay Leno

17. “If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself.”

— Jay Leno

18. “Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.”

— Jay Leno

19. “Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.”

— Jay Leno

20. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.”

— Jay Leno

21. “You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.”

— Jay Leno

22. “I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.”

— Jay Leno

23. “When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend.”

— Jay Leno

24. “My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?”

— Jay Leno

25. “The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.”

— Jay Leno

26. “The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there’s nothing worth fighting about.”

— Jay Leno

27. “President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.”

— Jay Leno

28. “The car was the iPhone of the 20th century. Kids these days don’t have to drive anymore. They just go there virtually.”

— Jay Leno

29. “The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.”

— Jay Leno

30. “We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?”

— Jay Leno

31. “There’s this big pie in show business, and you physically can’t eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.”

— Jay Leno

32. “In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million?”

— Jay Leno

33. “In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.”

— Jay Leno

34. “In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn’t it? It’s over! Apparently we surrendered!”

— Jay Leno

35. “According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought.”

— Jay Leno

36. “Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.”

— Jay Leno

37. “Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That’s so typical. Two cyborgs, ‘Oh, let’s blame the humans.’”

— Jay Leno

38. “Wikipedia was offline after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. It was pretty bad. For a while there, people had nowhere to go for phony, inaccurate information.”

— Jay Leno

39. “President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like ‘the rerun of a bad movie.’ Well sure, there’s a Bush in the White House, the economy’s going to hell, we’re going to war over oil. I’ve seen this movie, haven’t I?”

— Jay Leno

40. “Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.”

— Jay Leno

41. “Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.”

— Jay Leno

42. “The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”

— Jay Leno

43. “Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years – or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.”

— Jay Leno

44. “According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.”

— Jay Leno

45. “If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.”

— Jay Leno

46. “I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.”

— Jay Leno

47. “The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.”

— Jay Leno

48. “Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around.”

— Jay Leno

49. “McDonald’s announced that it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?”

— Jay Leno

50. “As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It’s about gasoline.”

— Jay Leno