Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”

— Jay Leno

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Valentine's Day Quotes

2. “I believe engineers will save the world.”

— Jay Leno

3. “Ambition beats genius 99% of the time.”

— Jay Leno

4. “Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.”

— Jay Leno

5. “If you restore a car, and you’re making money, then you’re doing it wrong.”

— Jay Leno

6. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.”

— Jay Leno

7. “If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”

— Jay Leno

8. “Happiness is a privilege.”

— Jay Leno

9. “If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.”

— Jay Leno

10. “I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.”

— Jay Leno

11. “The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here’s my question. If we’re on the surface of Mars, aren’t we the UFO?”

— Jay Leno

12. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”

— Jay Leno

13. “Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.”

— Jay Leno

14. “Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed.”

— Jay Leno

15. “Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.”

— Jay Leno

16. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.”

— Jay Leno

17. “You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.”

— Jay Leno

18. “When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend.”

— Jay Leno

19. “I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.”

— Jay Leno

20. “The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.”

— Jay Leno

21. “President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.”

— Jay Leno

22. “We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?”

— Jay Leno

23. “In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.”

— Jay Leno

24. “There’s this big pie in show business, and you physically can’t eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.”

— Jay Leno

25. “In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn’t it? It’s over! Apparently we surrendered!”

— Jay Leno

26. “In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million?”

— Jay Leno

27. “President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like ‘the rerun of a bad movie.’ Well sure, there’s a Bush in the White House, the economy’s going to hell, we’re going to war over oil. I’ve seen this movie, haven’t I?”

— Jay Leno

28. “Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years – or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.”

— Jay Leno

29. “The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”

— Jay Leno

30. “According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.”

— Jay Leno

31. “Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.”

— Jay Leno

32. “If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.”

— Jay Leno

33. “As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It’s about gasoline.”

— Jay Leno

34. “Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around.”

— Jay Leno

35. “McDonald’s announced that it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?”

— Jay Leno

36. “The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.”

— Jay Leno

37. “The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That’s something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.”

— Jay Leno

38. “Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed.”

— Jay Leno

39. “Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!”

— Jay Leno

40. “Jesse Jackson’s wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night.”

— Jay Leno

41. “The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...”

— Jay Leno

42. “I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.”

— Jay Leno

43. “They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he’s going after the wealthy in this country, he’s not just talking. He’s doing it!”

— Jay Leno

44. “An intruder broke into Mike Tyson’s hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don’t know what’s scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you’re sleeping or breaking into someone else’s room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.”

— Jay Leno

45. “That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They’re in bed and she’s says, ‘In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.’”

— Jay Leno

46. “Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.”

— Jay Leno

47. “Changing the story until you believe it.”

— Jay Leno

48. “Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.”

— Jay Leno

49. “According to a new UN report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad, when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet.”

— Jay Leno

50. “People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn’t Ali, leave a little extra time.”

— Jay Leno