Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “I went to see that movie ‘From Hell,’ or as Osama bin Laden calls it – ‘Roots.’”

— Jay Leno

302. “President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?”

— Jay Leno

303. “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?”

— Jay Leno

304. “Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.”

— Jay Leno

305. “Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.”

— Jay Leno

306. “Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.”

— Jay Leno

307. “Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.”

— Jay Leno

308. “President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”

— Jay Leno

309. “Experts are saying that President Bush’s goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don’t we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?”

— Jay Leno

310. “Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment.”

— Jay Leno

311. “Show business pays you a lot of money because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.”

— Jay Leno

312. “The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

— Jay Leno

313. “John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he’s one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn’t it more like one in a trillion?”

— Jay Leno

314. “Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can’t claim his voice wasn’t heard.”

— Jay Leno

315. “Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.”

— Jay Leno

316. “I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It’s kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.”

— Jay Leno

317. “President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme – “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn’t that a condom ad?”

— Jay Leno

318. “Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.”

— Jay Leno

319. “The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn’t have the problem.”

— Jay Leno

320. “Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.”

— Jay Leno

321. “Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it.”

— Jay Leno

322. “According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama’s Twitter followers are fake. They don’t even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn’t be any jobs for them.”

— Jay Leno

323. “Isn’t this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn’t remember anything.”

— Jay Leno

324. “Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we’ve been waiting for: “Former president George Bush”.”

— Jay Leno

325. “It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It’s not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it’s all the walking around you do trying to find your car.”

— Jay Leno

326. “My wife loves Europe, but to me it’s a bad day at a theme park.”

— Jay Leno

327. “A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.”

— Jay Leno

328. “The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.”

— Jay Leno

329. “Show business is like Champagne. You’ll appreciate it more if you don’t drink it everyday.”

— Jay Leno

330. “Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.”

— Jay Leno

331. “A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.”

— Jay Leno

332. “Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It’s ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let’s bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They’ll know how to take care of him!”

— Jay Leno

333. “George W. Bush loves golf because it’s like the election – low score wins.”

— Jay Leno

334. “In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.”

— Jay Leno

335. “Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it’s different – his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.”

— Jay Leno

336. “President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him ‘sir’ instead of ‘Mr. President.’ Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?”

— Jay Leno

337. “When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.”

— Jay Leno

338. “If Arnold is elected, you know who I’d feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s your reprieve, and you hear ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’”

— Jay Leno

339. “Well, it looks like we’ve moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?”

— Jay Leno

340. “A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.”

— Jay Leno

341. “Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!”

— Jay Leno

342. “General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don’t win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don’t even win elections.”

— Jay Leno

343. “The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That’s a huge night for college players. That’s the night they start being paid over the table.”

— Jay Leno

344. “When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you’re on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.”

— Jay Leno

345. “Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn’t it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn’t do coke goes to Columbia.”

— Jay Leno

346. “The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.”

— Jay Leno

347. “A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.”

— Jay Leno

348. “The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.”

— Jay Leno

349. “It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement.”

— Jay Leno

350. “According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.”

— Jay Leno