Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment.”

— Jay Leno

302. “There is a video out now on how to please men. Here’s tip number 1: Just show up!”

— Jay Leno

303. “Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.”

— Jay Leno

304. “Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn’t a car guy.”

— Jay Leno

305. “Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it.”

— Jay Leno

306. “President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?”

— Jay Leno

307. “Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.”

— Jay Leno

308. “This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.”

— Jay Leno

309. “Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.”

— Jay Leno

310. “Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!”

— Jay Leno

311. “The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November.”

— Jay Leno

312. “Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.”

— Jay Leno

313. “What’s the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.”

— Jay Leno

314. “Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.”

— Jay Leno

315. “George W. Bush loves golf because it’s like the election – low score wins.”

— Jay Leno

316. “My wife loves Europe, but to me it’s a bad day at a theme park.”

— Jay Leno

317. “A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.”

— Jay Leno

318. “Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.”

— Jay Leno

319. “Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!”

— Jay Leno

320. “The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn’t have the problem.”

— Jay Leno

321. “The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.”

— Jay Leno

322. “Show business is like Champagne. You’ll appreciate it more if you don’t drink it everyday.”

— Jay Leno

323. “The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

— Jay Leno

324. “Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can’t claim his voice wasn’t heard.”

— Jay Leno

325. “Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.”

— Jay Leno

326. “Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.”

— Jay Leno

327. “Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.”

— Jay Leno

328. “A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.”

— Jay Leno

329. “The circus doesn’t stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.”

— Jay Leno

330. “I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It’s kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.”

— Jay Leno

331. “President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme – “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn’t that a condom ad?”

— Jay Leno

332. “Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.”

— Jay Leno

333. “In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.”

— Jay Leno

334. “You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.”

— Jay Leno

335. “John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he’s one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn’t it more like one in a trillion?”

— Jay Leno

336. “Experts are saying that President Bush’s goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don’t we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?”

— Jay Leno

337. “According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama’s Twitter followers are fake. They don’t even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn’t be any jobs for them.”

— Jay Leno

338. “Isn’t this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn’t remember anything.”

— Jay Leno

339. “Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we’ve been waiting for: “Former president George Bush”.”

— Jay Leno

340. “It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It’s not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it’s all the walking around you do trying to find your car.”

— Jay Leno

341. “President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?”

— Jay Leno

342. “Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.”

— Jay Leno

343. “Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There’s a switch – the environment hurting Bush.”

— Jay Leno

344. “A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.”

— Jay Leno

345. “The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.”

— Jay Leno

346. “It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement.”

— Jay Leno

347. “Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!”

— Jay Leno

348. “You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one.”

— Jay Leno

349. “Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can’t vote again. It’s a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.”

— Jay Leno

350. “The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That’s a huge night for college players. That’s the night they start being paid over the table.”

— Jay Leno