Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “The other night, President Bush’s press conference was pre-empted by ‘American Idol.’ You know the difference between President Bush and ‘American Idol?’ See, on ‘American Idol,’ the one with the most votes wins.”

— Jay Leno

302. “If politicians all told the truth, we’d be out of business.”

— Jay Leno

303. “You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez.”

— Jay Leno

304. “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?”

— Jay Leno

305. “American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.”

— Jay Leno

306. “Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.”

— Jay Leno

307. “People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans.”

— Jay Leno

308. “The first lady said about her husband, ‘I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.’ And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.”

— Jay Leno

309. “Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That’s scary.”

— Jay Leno

310. “Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the ‘Wizard of Oz’ ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.”

— Jay Leno

311. “There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad.”

— Jay Leno

312. “You know what I’m doing for Easter? I’m gonna be hanging with my Peeps.”

— Jay Leno

313. “Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.”

— Jay Leno

314. “A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.”

— Jay Leno

315. “The circus doesn’t stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.”

— Jay Leno

316. “I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It’s kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.”

— Jay Leno

317. “President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme – “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn’t that a condom ad?”

— Jay Leno

318. “Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.”

— Jay Leno

319. “In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.”

— Jay Leno

320. “You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.”

— Jay Leno

321. “John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he’s one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn’t it more like one in a trillion?”

— Jay Leno

322. “Experts are saying that President Bush’s goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don’t we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?”

— Jay Leno

323. “Isn’t this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn’t remember anything.”

— Jay Leno

324. “Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we’ve been waiting for: “Former president George Bush”.”

— Jay Leno

325. “It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It’s not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it’s all the walking around you do trying to find your car.”

— Jay Leno

326. “According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama’s Twitter followers are fake. They don’t even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn’t be any jobs for them.”

— Jay Leno

327. “What’s the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.”

— Jay Leno

328. “Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.”

— Jay Leno

329. “George W. Bush loves golf because it’s like the election – low score wins.”

— Jay Leno

330. “My wife loves Europe, but to me it’s a bad day at a theme park.”

— Jay Leno

331. “A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.”

— Jay Leno

332. “Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.”

— Jay Leno

333. “Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!”

— Jay Leno

334. “The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn’t have the problem.”

— Jay Leno

335. “The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.”

— Jay Leno

336. “Show business is like Champagne. You’ll appreciate it more if you don’t drink it everyday.”

— Jay Leno

337. “The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

— Jay Leno

338. “Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can’t claim his voice wasn’t heard.”

— Jay Leno

339. “Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.”

— Jay Leno

340. “Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.”

— Jay Leno

341. “Iraq began destroying those missiles they don’t have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.”

— Jay Leno

342. “According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.”

— Jay Leno

343. “We live in what’s called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.”

— Jay Leno

344. “The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?”

— Jay Leno

345. “Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.”

— Jay Leno

346. “When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you’re on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.”

— Jay Leno

347. “President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.”

— Jay Leno

348. “If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.”

— Jay Leno

349. “Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean’s crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won’t campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: ‘Aaghhhh.’”

— Jay Leno

350. “Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.”

— Jay Leno