Top 500 Jay Leno Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.”

— Jay Leno

302. “President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”

— Jay Leno

303. “Experts are saying that President Bush’s goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don’t we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?”

— Jay Leno

304. “Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the ‘Wizard of Oz’ ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.”

— Jay Leno

305. “More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it’s only one 72-year-old virgin.”

— Jay Leno

306. “Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment.”

— Jay Leno

307. “Show business pays you a lot of money because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.”

— Jay Leno

308. “There is a video out now on how to please men. Here’s tip number 1: Just show up!”

— Jay Leno

309. “The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

— Jay Leno

310. “John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he’s one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn’t it more like one in a trillion?”

— Jay Leno

311. “Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can’t claim his voice wasn’t heard.”

— Jay Leno

312. “Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.”

— Jay Leno

313. “I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It’s kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.”

— Jay Leno

314. “President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme – “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn’t that a condom ad?”

— Jay Leno

315. “Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.”

— Jay Leno

316. “Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.”

— Jay Leno

317. “There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.”

— Jay Leno

318. “The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn’t have the problem.”

— Jay Leno

319. “Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.”

— Jay Leno

320. “John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician.”

— Jay Leno

321. “Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it.”

— Jay Leno

322. “According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama’s Twitter followers are fake. They don’t even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn’t be any jobs for them.”

— Jay Leno

323. “Isn’t this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn’t remember anything.”

— Jay Leno

324. “Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we’ve been waiting for: “Former president George Bush”.”

— Jay Leno

325. “My wife loves Europe, but to me it’s a bad day at a theme park.”

— Jay Leno

326. “A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.”

— Jay Leno

327. “The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.”

— Jay Leno

328. “Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.”

— Jay Leno

329. “Iraq began destroying those missiles they don’t have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.”

— Jay Leno

330. “But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!”

— Jay Leno

331. “Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There’s a switch – the environment hurting Bush.”

— Jay Leno

332. “The circus doesn’t stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.”

— Jay Leno

333. “This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That’s like a record.”

— Jay Leno

334. “Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’”

— Jay Leno

335. “Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.”

— Jay Leno

336. “Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it’s different – his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.”

— Jay Leno

337. “If Arnold is elected, you know who I’d feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s your reprieve, and you hear ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’”

— Jay Leno

338. “Well, it looks like we’ve moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?”

— Jay Leno

339. “A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.”

— Jay Leno

340. “Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!”

— Jay Leno

341. “General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don’t win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don’t even win elections.”

— Jay Leno

342. “Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn’t it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn’t do coke goes to Columbia.”

— Jay Leno

343. “The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.”

— Jay Leno

344. “A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.”

— Jay Leno

345. “The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.”

— Jay Leno

346. “It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement.”

— Jay Leno

347. “According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.”

— Jay Leno

348. “This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.”

— Jay Leno

349. “You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.”

— Jay Leno

350. “What’s the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.”

— Jay Leno