Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?”

— Steven Wright

52. “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”

— Steven Wright

53. “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

— Steven Wright

54. “I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.”

— Steven Wright

55. “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

— Steven Wright

56. “I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”

— Steven Wright

57. “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

— Steven Wright

58. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

— Steven Wright

59. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

— Steven Wright

60. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”

— Steven Wright

61. “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

— Steven Wright

62. “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”

— Steven Wright

63. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

— Steven Wright

64. “99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

— Steven Wright

65. “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

— Steven Wright

66. “Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”

— Steven Wright

67. “Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

— Steven Wright

68. “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.”

— Steven Wright

69. “Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

— Steven Wright

70. “The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.””

— Steven Wright

71. “It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

— Steven Wright

72. “I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.”

— Steven Wright

73. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

— Steven Wright

74. “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

— Steven Wright

75. “I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.”

— Steven Wright

76. “A fool and his money are soon partying.”

— Steven Wright

77. “All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.”

— Steven Wright

78. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”

— Steven Wright

79. “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

— Steven Wright

80. “What a nice night for an evening.”

— Steven Wright

81. “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

— Steven Wright

82. “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

— Steven Wright

83. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

— Steven Wright

84. “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

— Steven Wright

85. “Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

— Steven Wright

86. “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

— Steven Wright

87. “If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.”

— Steven Wright

88. “My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.”

— Steven Wright

89. “I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.”

— Steven Wright

90. “I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

— Steven Wright

91. “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”

— Steven Wright

92. “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

— Steven Wright

93. “My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.”

— Steven Wright

94. “Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

— Steven Wright

95. “I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

— Steven Wright

96. “How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

— Steven Wright

97. “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

— Steven Wright

98. “My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.”

— Steven Wright

99. “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

— Steven Wright

100. “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

— Steven Wright