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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quote: “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “What a nice night for an evening.”

What a nice night for an evening.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.”

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?”

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quotes: “It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.” — Dean Koontz

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.

— Dean Koontz


Steven Wright Quote: “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.”

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Half the people you know are below average.”

Half the people you know are below average.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.””

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “A fool and his money are soon partying.”

A fool and his money are soon partying.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.”

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.”

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.”

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.”

I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.”

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.”

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.”

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.”

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Do you have any toy train schedules?”

Do you have any toy train schedules?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.”

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...”

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

— Steven Wright


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