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Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2023 Update)
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Steven Wright Quote: “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?”
Steven Wright Quote: “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
Steven Wright Quote: “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
Steven Wright Quote: “99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Half the people you know are below average.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Does fuzzy logic tickle?”
Steven Wright Quote: “It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.”
Steven Wright Quote: “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”
Steven Wright Quote: “The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.””
Steven Wright Quote: “What a nice night for an evening.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.”
Steven Wright Quote: “A fool and his money are soon partying.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”
Steven Wright Quote: “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”
Steven Wright Quote: “My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”
Steven Wright Quote: “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
Steven Wright Quote: “My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”
Steven Wright Quote: “How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”
Steven Wright Quote: “All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.”
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