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Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright Quote: “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The speed of time is one second per second.”

The speed of time is one second per second.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.”

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

— Steven Wright

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