Top 100

Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)

Steven Wright Quote: “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
Steven Wright Quote: “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
Steven Wright Quote: “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
Steven Wright Quote: “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
Steven Wright Quote: “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
Steven Wright Quote: “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
Steven Wright Quote: “The speed of time is one second per second.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”
Steven Wright Quote: “How come abbreviated is such a long word?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”
Steven Wright Quote: “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Steven Wright Quote: “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”
Steven Wright Quote: “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
Steven Wright Quote: “No one is listening until you make a mistake.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”
Steven Wright Quote: “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
Steven Wright Quote: “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?”
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