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Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2025 Update)

Steven Wright Quote: “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

1. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

2. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

3. “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Creative Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Short Funny Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

4. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Clever Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Monday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

5. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Demotivational Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

6. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

7. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

8. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Humor Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

9. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Motivational Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

10. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Imagination Quotes, Crazy Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

11. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Depression Quotes, Anger Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

12. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

13. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes, Humility Quotes, Quotes About Laughter

Steven Wright Quote: “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

14. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

15. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

16. “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Demotivational Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

17. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

18. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

19. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Short Funny Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

20. “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

21. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

22. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

$Steven Wright Quote: “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”$

23. “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

24. “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

25. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “The speed of time is one second per second.”

26. “The speed of time is one second per second.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

27. “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Summer Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

28. “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

29. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”

30. “I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

31. “You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

32. “How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

33. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

Steven Wright Quote: “I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”

34. “I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

35. “No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

36. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.”

37. “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

38. “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

39. “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

40. “I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”

41. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

42. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”

43. “The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”

44. “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

45. “I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”

46. “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

47. “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “Half the people you know are below average.”

48. “Half the people you know are below average.”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

49. “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

— Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quote: “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

50. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

— Steven Wright

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