“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
— Steven Wright
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
“It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
“43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
“Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”
“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
“I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”
“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”
“The speed of time is one second per second.”
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”
“Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
“The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”
“How come abbreviated is such a long word?”
“I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.”
“Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”
“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”
“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”
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