“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
— Steven Wright
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
“It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
“43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
“Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”
“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”
“I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
“The speed of time is one second per second.”
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”
“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
“The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”
“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”
“Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
“I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”
“How come abbreviated is such a long word?”
“Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”
“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”
“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
“I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.”
“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”
“No one is listening until you make a mistake.”
“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”
“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”
“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“What a nice night for an evening.”
“I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.”
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
“Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?”
“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
“Half the people you know are below average.”
“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.””
“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
“A fool and his money are soon partying.”
“Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”
“Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.”
“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”
“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”
“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.”
“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”
“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”
“If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.”
“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”
“I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.”
“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”
“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
“I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.”
“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.”
“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.”
“When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”
“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.”
“In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”
“I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.”
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
“Do you have any toy train schedules?”
“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
“Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.”
“I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”
“I washed mud off of mud.”
“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”
“My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.”
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