Top 100

Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2023 Update)
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Steven Wright Quote: “How young can you die of old age?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I had my coat hangers spayed.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
Steven Wright Quote: “The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”
Steven Wright Quote: “How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?”
Steven Wright Quote: “If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don’t know what that means.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I invented the cordless extension cord.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?”
Steven Wright Quote: “What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!”
Steven Wright Quote: “Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?”
Steven Wright Quote: “My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I had amnesia once or twice.”
Steven Wright Quote: “After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ’woman.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?”
Steven Wright Quote: “What do batteries run on?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Because I don’t believe everything I read.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Clones are people two.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.”
Steven Wright Quote: “How do you get off a non-stop flight?”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”
Steven Wright Quote: “All the plants in my house are dead – I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.”
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