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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quote: “If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “Clones are people two.”

Clones are people two.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.”

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .”

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?”

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!”

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.”

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “What do batteries run on?”

What do batteries run on?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.”

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’”

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’”

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.”

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?”

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.”

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.”

I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

I’m not naked, I’m in the band.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?”

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was skydiving horizontally.”

I was skydiving horizontally.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.”

I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.”

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.”

I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise.”

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.”

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I had amnesia once or twice.”

I had amnesia once or twice.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still...”

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still...

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.”

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.”

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.”

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.”

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’”

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.”

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.”

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”

They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I just lost a buttonhole.”

I just lost a buttonhole.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.”

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

— Steven Wright


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