Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2023 Update)
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301. “How young can you die of old age?”

— Steven Wright

302. “I had my coat hangers spayed.”

— Steven Wright

303. “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

— Steven Wright

304. “The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.”

— Steven Wright

305. “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

— Steven Wright

306. “Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

— Steven Wright

307. “How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?”

— Steven Wright

308. “If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?”

— Steven Wright

309. “Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”

— Steven Wright

310. “I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don’t know what that means.”

— Steven Wright

311. “Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”

— Steven Wright

312. “I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.”

— Steven Wright

313. “I invented the cordless extension cord.”

— Steven Wright

314. “I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.”

— Steven Wright

315. “Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?”

— Steven Wright

316. “What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.”

— Steven Wright

317. “I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.”

— Steven Wright

318. “I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!”

— Steven Wright

319. “Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?”

— Steven Wright

320. “Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.”

— Steven Wright

321. “Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?”

— Steven Wright

322. “My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.”

— Steven Wright

323. “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.”

— Steven Wright

324. “I had amnesia once or twice.”

— Steven Wright

325. “After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”

— Steven Wright

326. “I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”

— Steven Wright

327. “I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.”

— Steven Wright

328. “I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.”

— Steven Wright

329. “I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ’woman.”

— Steven Wright

330. “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?”

— Steven Wright

331. “What do batteries run on?”

— Steven Wright

332. “Because I don’t believe everything I read.”

— Steven Wright

333. “When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.”

— Steven Wright

334. “If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

— Steven Wright

335. “Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?”

— Steven Wright

336. “Clones are people two.”

— Steven Wright

337. “I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.”

— Steven Wright

338. “Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.”

— Steven Wright

339. “I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.”

— Steven Wright

340. “How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

— Steven Wright

341. “When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

— Steven Wright

342. “When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.”

— Steven Wright

343. “Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?”

— Steven Wright

344. “Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”

— Steven Wright

345. “All the plants in my house are dead – I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.”

— Steven Wright

346. “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

— Steven Wright

347. “I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.”

— Steven Wright

348. “I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.”

— Steven Wright

349. “I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.”

— Steven Wright

350. “I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.”

— Steven Wright