Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

— Steven Wright

152. “The other day I... uh, no, that wasn’t me.”

— Steven Wright

153. “When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’”

— Steven Wright

154. “I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”

— Steven Wright

155. “I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

— Steven Wright

156. “I washed mud off of mud.”

— Steven Wright

157. “The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...”

— Steven Wright

158. “I’m addicted to placebos.”

— Steven Wright

159. “In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’”

— Steven Wright

160. “Snakes have no arms. That’s why they don’t wear vests.”

— Steven Wright

161. “I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.”

— Steven Wright

162. “Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?”

— Steven Wright

163. “If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?”

— Steven Wright

164. “I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.”

— Steven Wright

165. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

— Steven Wright

166. “I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”

— Steven Wright

167. “Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.”

— Steven Wright

168. “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

— Steven Wright

169. “Women. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ’em.”

— Steven Wright

170. “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

— Steven Wright

171. “My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.”

— Steven Wright

172. “Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?””

— Steven Wright

173. “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.”

— Steven Wright

174. “You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.”

— Steven Wright

175. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”

— Steven Wright

176. “It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.”

— Steven Wright

177. “The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.”

— Steven Wright

178. “My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”

— Steven Wright

179. “I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.”

— Steven Wright

180. “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”

— Steven Wright

181. “Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

— Steven Wright

182. “I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’”

— Steven Wright

183. “I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.”

— Steven Wright

184. “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

— Steven Wright

185. “I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.”

— Steven Wright

186. “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read””

— Steven Wright

187. “Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

— Steven Wright

188. “If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.”

— Steven Wright

189. “I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

— Steven Wright

190. “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”

— Steven Wright

191. “I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”

— Steven Wright

192. “If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

— Steven Wright

193. “Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.”

— Steven Wright

194. “I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

— Steven Wright

195. “Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.”

— Steven Wright

196. “The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”

— Steven Wright

197. “I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.””

— Steven Wright

198. “In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.”

— Steven Wright

199. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

— Steven Wright

200. “I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.”

— Steven Wright