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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quote: “I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.”

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.”

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.”

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.”

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “How can there be self-help groups?”

How can there be self-help groups?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.”

I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.”

I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?”

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’”

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “At one point he decided enough was enough.”

At one point he decided enough was enough.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.”

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’”

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’”

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’”

I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.”

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s??”

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s??

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.”

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Snakes have no arms. That’s why they don’t wear vests.”

Snakes have no arms. That’s why they don’t wear vests.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...”

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?”

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.”

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’”

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.”

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?”

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.”

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.”

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

— Steven Wright


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