Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.”

— Steven Wright

152. “I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.”

— Steven Wright

153. “For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.”

— Steven Wright

154. “Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s??”

— Steven Wright

155. “Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Real Quotes

156. “Do you have any toy train schedules?”

— Steven Wright

157. “I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.”

— Steven Wright

158. “I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.”

— Steven Wright

159. “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

— Steven Wright

160. “I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

— Steven Wright

161. “Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.”

— Steven Wright

162. “The other day I... uh, no, that wasn’t me.”

— Steven Wright

163. “I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”

— Steven Wright

164. “I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Reading Quotes

165. “I washed mud off of mud.”

— Steven Wright

166. “I’m addicted to placebos.”

— Steven Wright

167. “Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?”

— Steven Wright

168. “I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.”

— Steven Wright

169. “If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?”

— Steven Wright

170. “Women. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ’em.”

— Steven Wright

171. “I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”

— Steven Wright

172. “I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.”

— Steven Wright

173. “Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.”

— Steven Wright

174. “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

— Steven Wright

175. “In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.”

— Steven Wright

176. “My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”

— Steven Wright

177. “I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.”

— Steven Wright

178. “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

— Steven Wright

179. “My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.”

— Steven Wright

180. “Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?””

— Steven Wright

181. “You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.”

— Steven Wright

182. “It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.”

— Steven Wright

183. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Reading Quotes

184. “The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.”

— Steven Wright

185. “I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’”

— Steven Wright

186. “Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

— Steven Wright

187. “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”

— Steven Wright

188. “I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.”

— Steven Wright

189. “I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.”

— Steven Wright

190. “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

— Steven Wright

191. “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

— Steven Wright

192. “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read””

— Steven Wright

193. “If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.”

— Steven Wright

194. “A metaphor is like a simile.”

— Steven Wright

195. “If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

— Steven Wright

196. “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”

— Steven Wright

197. “I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”

— Steven Wright

198. “Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

— Steven Wright

199. “The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.”

— Steven Wright

200. “Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.”

— Steven Wright