Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.”

— Steven Wright

152. “I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.”

— Steven Wright

153. “Do you have any toy train schedules?”

— Steven Wright

154. “Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.”

— Steven Wright

155. “I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.”

— Steven Wright

156. “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

— Steven Wright

157. “The other day I... uh, no, that wasn’t me.”

— Steven Wright

158. “Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.”

— Steven Wright

159. “When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’”

— Steven Wright

160. “I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”

— Steven Wright

161. “I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

— Steven Wright

162. “I washed mud off of mud.”

— Steven Wright

163. “I’m addicted to placebos.”

— Steven Wright

164. “Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?”

— Steven Wright

165. “I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.”

— Steven Wright

166. “If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?”

— Steven Wright

167. “Women. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ’em.”

— Steven Wright

168. “I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”

— Steven Wright

169. “I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.”

— Steven Wright

170. “Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.”

— Steven Wright

171. “In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.”

— Steven Wright

172. “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

— Steven Wright

173. “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

— Steven Wright

174. “My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.”

— Steven Wright

175. “My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”

— Steven Wright

176. “Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?””

— Steven Wright

177. “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.”

— Steven Wright

178. “You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.”

— Steven Wright

179. “It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.”

— Steven Wright

180. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”

— Steven Wright

181. “The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.”

— Steven Wright

182. “I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’”

— Steven Wright

183. “I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.”

— Steven Wright

184. “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”

— Steven Wright

185. “Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

— Steven Wright

186. “I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.”

— Steven Wright

187. “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

— Steven Wright

188. “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read””

— Steven Wright

189. “If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.”

— Steven Wright

190. “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”

— Steven Wright

191. “I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

— Steven Wright

192. “Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

— Steven Wright

193. “If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

— Steven Wright

194. “I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”

— Steven Wright

195. “Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.”

— Steven Wright

196. “I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

— Steven Wright

197. “I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.”

— Steven Wright

198. “The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”

— Steven Wright

199. “I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.””

— Steven Wright

200. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

— Steven Wright