Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

— Steven Wright

202. “I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Reading Quotes

203. “The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”

— Steven Wright

204. “One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.”

— Steven Wright

205. “I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.””

— Steven Wright

206. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

— Steven Wright

207. “The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”

— Steven Wright

208. “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”

— Steven Wright

209. “Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’”

— Steven Wright

210. “Whatever happened to preparations A through G?”

— Steven Wright

211. “When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Real Quotes

212. “They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.”

— Steven Wright

213. “I just lost a buttonhole.”

— Steven Wright

214. “In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”

— Steven Wright

215. “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

— Steven Wright

216. “Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”

— Steven Wright

217. “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.”

— Steven Wright

218. “I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.”

— Steven Wright

219. “I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”

— Steven Wright

220. “I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’”

— Steven Wright

221. “When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said.”

— Steven Wright

222. “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Country Quotes

223. “They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”

— Steven Wright

224. “Even snakes are afraid of snakes.”

— Steven Wright

225. “Hermits have no peer pressure.”

— Steven Wright

226. “Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?”

— Steven Wright

227. “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”

— Steven Wright

228. “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

— Steven Wright

229. “I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

— Steven Wright

230. “I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

— Steven Wright

231. “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

— Steven Wright

232. “Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?”

— Steven Wright

233. “I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.”

— Steven Wright

234. “I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

235. “Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Real Quotes

236. “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

— Steven Wright

237. “I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’”

— Steven Wright

238. “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

— Steven Wright

239. “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

— Steven Wright

240. “While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?””

— Steven Wright

241. “Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

— Steven Wright

242. “My father was a small claims court jester.”

— Steven Wright

243. “What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”

— Steven Wright

244. “Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?”

— Steven Wright

245. “My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.”

— Steven Wright

246. “How can there be self-help groups?”

— Steven Wright

247. “When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

— Steven Wright

248. “People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.”

— Steven Wright

249. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

— Steven Wright

250. “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

— Steven Wright