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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quote: “I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.”

I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?”

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.”

Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.”

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.”

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.”

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.”

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.”

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.”

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I had my coat hangers spayed.”

I had my coat hangers spayed.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Even snakes are afraid of snakes.”

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My father was a small claims court jester.”

My father was a small claims court jester.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.””

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Hermits have no peer pressure.”

Hermits have no peer pressure.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.”

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “A metaphor is like a simile.”

A metaphor is like a simile.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?””

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.”

They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?”

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.”

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?”

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.”

Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’”

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.”

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.”

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.”

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.”

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.”

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.”

Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?”

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?”

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.”

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.

— Steven Wright

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