Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’”

— Steven Wright

202. “Whatever happened to preparations A through G?”

— Steven Wright

203. “The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”

— Steven Wright

204. “In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”

— Steven Wright

205. “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”

— Steven Wright

206. “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

— Steven Wright

207. “They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.”

— Steven Wright

208. “I just lost a buttonhole.”

— Steven Wright

209. “Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”

— Steven Wright

210. “When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.”

— Steven Wright

211. “I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’”

— Steven Wright

212. “I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.”

— Steven Wright

213. “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

— Steven Wright

214. “I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.”

— Steven Wright

215. “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.”

— Steven Wright

216. “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

— Steven Wright

217. “I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”

— Steven Wright

218. “Hermits have no peer pressure.”

— Steven Wright

219. “Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?”

— Steven Wright

220. “When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said.”

— Steven Wright

221. “They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”

— Steven Wright

222. “Even snakes are afraid of snakes.”

— Steven Wright

223. “Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?”

— Steven Wright

224. “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”

— Steven Wright

225. “I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

226. “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

— Steven Wright

227. “I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

— Steven Wright

228. “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

— Steven Wright

229. “I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

— Steven Wright

230. “Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”

— Steven Wright

231. “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

— Steven Wright

232. “Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

— Steven Wright

233. “While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?””

— Steven Wright

234. “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

— Steven Wright

235. “I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.”

— Steven Wright

236. “I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’”

— Steven Wright

237. “My father was a small claims court jester.”

— Steven Wright

238. “My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.”

— Steven Wright

239. “How can there be self-help groups?”

— Steven Wright

240. “What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”

— Steven Wright

241. “Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?”

— Steven Wright

242. “When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

— Steven Wright

243. “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

— Steven Wright

244. “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

— Steven Wright

245. “A metaphor is like a simile.”

— Steven Wright

246. “I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.”

— Steven Wright

247. “Clones are people two.”

— Steven Wright

248. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

— Steven Wright

249. “People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.”

— Steven Wright

250. “My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’”

— Steven Wright