Top 100

Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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Steven Wright Quote: “Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’”
Steven Wright Quote: “Whatever happened to preparations A through G?”
Steven Wright Quote: “The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”
Steven Wright Quote: “They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I just lost a buttonhole.”
Steven Wright Quote: “In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’”
Steven Wright Quote: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Hermits have no peer pressure.”
Steven Wright Quote: “They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Even snakes are afraid of snakes.”
Steven Wright Quote: “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
Steven Wright Quote: “While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?””
Steven Wright Quote: “Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’”
Steven Wright Quote: “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”
Steven Wright Quote: “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?”
Steven Wright Quote: “My father was a small claims court jester.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”
Steven Wright Quote: “What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”
Steven Wright Quote: “How can there be self-help groups?”
Steven Wright Quote: “My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”
Steven Wright Quote: “A metaphor is like a simile.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Clones are people two.”
Steven Wright Quote: “People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.”
Steven Wright Quote: “My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’”
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