Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

— Steven Wright

252. “I was an only child, eventually.”

— Steven Wright

253. “The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.”

— Steven Wright

254. “I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.”

— Steven Wright

255. “Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

— Steven Wright

256. “My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

— Steven Wright

257. “My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.”

— Steven Wright

258. “I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.”

— Steven Wright

259. “The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

— Steven Wright

260. “I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”

— Steven Wright

261. “I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

— Steven Wright

262. “What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”

— Steven Wright

263. “At one point he decided enough was enough.”

— Steven Wright

264. “Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

— Steven Wright

265. “My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.”

— Steven Wright

266. “I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.”

— Steven Wright

267. “I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”

— Steven Wright

268. “I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.”

— Steven Wright

269. “There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”

— Steven Wright

270. “One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.”

— Steven Wright

271. “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

— Steven Wright

272. “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.””

— Steven Wright

273. “I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.”

— Steven Wright

274. “I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”

— Steven Wright

275. “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

— Steven Wright

276. “If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”

— Steven Wright

277. “I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.”

— Steven Wright

278. “I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”

— Steven Wright

279. “Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?”

— Steven Wright

280. “Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.”

— Steven Wright

281. “Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.”

— Steven Wright

282. “I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .”

— Steven Wright

283. “I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.”

— Steven Wright

284. “The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.”

— Steven Wright

285. “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

— Steven Wright

286. “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

— Steven Wright

287. “I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don’t know what that means.”

— Steven Wright

288. “My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.”

— Steven Wright

289. “I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”

— Steven Wright

290. “Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?”

— Steven Wright

291. “I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”

— Steven Wright

292. “I like to skate on the other side of the ice.”

— Steven Wright

293. “Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

— Steven Wright

294. “I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.”

— Steven Wright

295. “I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.”

— Steven Wright

296. “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”

— Steven Wright

297. “I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.””

— Steven Wright

298. “I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.”

— Steven Wright

299. “I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.”

— Steven Wright

300. “I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.”

— Steven Wright