Top 100

Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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Steven Wright Quote: “If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I was an only child, eventually.”
Steven Wright Quote: “The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”
Steven Wright Quote: “My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
Steven Wright Quote: “My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.”
Steven Wright Quote: “The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
Steven Wright Quote: “What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
Steven Wright Quote: “At one point he decided enough was enough.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”
Steven Wright Quote: “My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.”
Steven Wright Quote: “There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.””
Steven Wright Quote: “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”
Steven Wright Quote: “One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .”
Steven Wright Quote: “Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don’t know what that means.”
Steven Wright Quote: “The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”
Steven Wright Quote: “My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I like to skate on the other side of the ice.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.””
Steven Wright Quote: “I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.”
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