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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quote: “I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.””

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.”

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Is it possible to be totally partial?”

Is it possible to be totally partial?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I invented the cordless extension cord.”

I invented the cordless extension cord.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.”

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.”

I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read””

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I like to skate on the other side of the ice.”

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.”

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?”

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”

I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?”

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?”

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.”

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a want ad. “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.””

I saw a want ad. “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.”

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.”

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ’woman.”

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ’woman.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.”

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How young can you die of old age?”

How young can you die of old age?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Day One: Still tired from the move.”

Day One: Still tired from the move.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?”

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?”

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Do fish get cramps after eating?”

Do fish get cramps after eating?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.”

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.”

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.”

I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?””

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.”

It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “All the plants in my house are dead – I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.”

All the plants in my house are dead – I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.”

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.”

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?”

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?”

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?”

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

— Steven Wright


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