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Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2023 Update)
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Steven Wright Quote: “I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I’m actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Do fish get cramps after eating?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.”
Steven Wright Quote: “My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise.”
Steven Wright Quote: “You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’”
Steven Wright Quote: “The sky already fell. Now what?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Day One: Still tired from the move.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a want ad. “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.””
Steven Wright Quote: “Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses.” -author of Meditations in Green.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’”
Steven Wright Quote: “All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.””
Steven Wright Quote: “I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.”
Steven Wright Quote: “To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.”
Steven Wright Quote: “If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I was skydiving horizontally.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”
Steven Wright Quote: “When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’”
Steven Wright Quote: “Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Is it possible to be totally partial?”
Steven Wright Quote: “Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.”
Steven Wright Quote: “Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.”
Steven Wright Quote: “One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”
Steven Wright Quote: “It usually helps me write by reading – somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.”
Steven Wright Quote: “I donated my body to science... fiction.”
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