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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quote: “Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.”

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.”

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.”

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?”

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.”

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.”

I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.”

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.””

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?”

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.”

I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.”

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.”

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she’s 6. While both criminal, they’re very different circumstances.”

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she’s 6. While both criminal, they’re very different circumstances.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.”

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I can’t stop thinking like this.”

I can’t stop thinking like this.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?”

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.”

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m addicted to placebos.”

I’m addicted to placebos.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Because I don’t believe everything I read.”

Because I don’t believe everything I read.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.”

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was an only child, eventually.”

I was an only child, eventually.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.”

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.”

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.”

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.”

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.”

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.”

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.”

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.”

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.”

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.”

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The sky already fell. Now what?”

The sky already fell. Now what?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.””

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.”

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.”

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.”

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.”

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I took a baby shower.”

I took a baby shower.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

— Steven Wright


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