Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”

— Steven Wright

352. “I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.”

— Steven Wright

353. “I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.”

— Steven Wright

354. “I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.”

— Steven Wright

355. “Do fish get cramps after eating?”

— Steven Wright

356. “I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.”

— Steven Wright

357. “I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.”

— Steven Wright

358. “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

— Steven Wright

359. “I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.”

— Steven Wright

360. “I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.”

— Steven Wright

361. “My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.”

— Steven Wright

362. “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”

— Steven Wright

363. “Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?”

— Steven Wright

364. “You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

— Steven Wright

365. “Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.”

— Steven Wright

366. “I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’”

— Steven Wright

367. “Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.”

— Steven Wright

368. “If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?”

— Steven Wright

369. “I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise.”

— Steven Wright

370. “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’”

— Steven Wright

371. “I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.””

— Steven Wright

372. “Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?”

— Steven Wright

373. “I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.”

— Steven Wright

374. “Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses.” -author of Meditations in Green.”

— Steven Wright

375. “I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.”

— Steven Wright

376. “The sky already fell. Now what?”

— Steven Wright

377. “I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.”

— Steven Wright

378. “To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.”

— Steven Wright

379. “I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.”

— Steven Wright

380. “Day One: Still tired from the move.”

— Steven Wright

381. “I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

— Steven Wright

382. “Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”

— Steven Wright

383. “All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.”

— Steven Wright

384. “I saw a want ad. “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.””

— Steven Wright

385. “I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.”

— Steven Wright

386. “When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’”

— Steven Wright

387. “I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.”

— Steven Wright

388. “Harold under his breath: “Ms. Yuka, I would love to kiss the backs of your legs while you were in line in a bank.”

— Steven Wright

389. “When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.”

— Steven Wright

390. “I was skydiving horizontally.”

— Steven Wright

391. “Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.”

— Steven Wright

392. “Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?”

— Steven Wright

393. “If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

— Steven Wright

394. “If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.”

— Steven Wright

395. “I donated my body to science... fiction.”

— Steven Wright

396. “I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.”

— Steven Wright

397. “One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.”

— Steven Wright

398. “I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.”

— Steven Wright

399. “How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?”

— Steven Wright

400. “I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.”

— Steven Wright