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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quote: “I washed mud off of mud.”

I washed mud off of mud.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.”

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.”

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.”

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m a peripheral visionary.”

I’m a peripheral visionary.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.”

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?”

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?”

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’”

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.”

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?”

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.”

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’”

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.”

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.”

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.”

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Whatever happened to preparations A through G?”

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.”

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

— Steven Wright



Steven Wright Quote: “You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.”

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.”

The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.”

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.”

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.”

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?”

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.”

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.”

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.

— Steven Wright


Steven Wright Quote: “I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.”

I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.

— Steven Wright


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