Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

— Steven Wright

102. “I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

— Steven Wright

103. “How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

— Steven Wright

104. “Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

— Steven Wright

105. “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”

— Steven Wright

106. “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

— Steven Wright

107. “My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.”

— Steven Wright

108. “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

— Steven Wright

109. “Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.”

— Steven Wright

110. “Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.”

— Steven Wright

111. “I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”

— Steven Wright

112. “I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

— Steven Wright

113. “Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.”

— Steven Wright

114. “When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

— Steven Wright

115. “Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”

— Steven Wright

116. “I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

— Steven Wright

117. “I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

— Steven Wright

118. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

— Steven Wright

119. “There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

— Steven Wright

120. “You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”

— Steven Wright

121. “I’m a peripheral visionary.”

— Steven Wright

122. “I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”

— Steven Wright

123. “Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

— Steven Wright

124. “If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

— Steven Wright

125. “I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.”

— Steven Wright

126. “I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

— Steven Wright

127. “I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.”

— Steven Wright

128. “They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”

— Steven Wright

129. “I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’”

— Steven Wright

130. “Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

— Steven Wright

131. “I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

— Steven Wright

132. “Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?”

— Steven Wright

133. “I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”

— Steven Wright

134. “The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”

— Steven Wright

135. “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

— Steven Wright

136. “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?”

— Steven Wright

137. “In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.”

— Steven Wright

138. “What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

— Steven Wright

139. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

— Steven Wright

140. “Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?”

— Steven Wright

141. “The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”

— Steven Wright

142. “If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?”

— Steven Wright

143. “For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.”

— Steven Wright

144. “I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.”

— Steven Wright

145. “Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s??”

— Steven Wright

146. “When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.”

— Steven Wright

147. “I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...”

— Steven Wright

148. “Do you have any toy train schedules?”

— Steven Wright

149. “Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

— Steven Wright

150. “Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.”

— Steven Wright